The IT girl: millennium schmillennium

Well, am I ever glad we booked that log cabin to see out the millennium. As expected, there was a hell of a storm kicked up and it was nice to have somewhere to keep our heads down while the unlucky ones, who got left out in the open, perished.

Yes, the backlash against the millennium bug was terrifying enough to watch on TV. I was relieved to be out in the country with my friends Gwynneth and Robin while bullies like Jeremy Paxman and Anne Robinson were putting the boot into the IT industry.

Can I be honest with you? Of course I knew all along there wasn't any reason to panic. I mean, really, did anyone actually believe any of that, excuse my French, cattle feed? So the power supplies were going to fail were they? And there'd be a water shortage while nuclear missiles rained down on us. If I had a pound for every time I heard about someone's friend, who works in something to do with airlines, who was going nowhere near a plane till next March, I could have flown out to my secret hideaway first class. (Not that the boat journey was bad anyway.)

OK, the pedants among you might remember my successful media campaign for my client Greenwich Median, when I wrote that "planes will fall out the sky, hospitals will shut down and children will die from information overload unless you buy a copy of Greenwich Median's CheckDisk." Already some have actually sneered at the fact that I profited from writing things like this! Can you believe that? Honestly, we just don't like success in this country do we?

Let's answer your so-called objections point by point. First, my client told me to write that. And second, couldn't you tell I was joking?

Looking back on those words, some people won't have picked up the subtle irony which underscored all 25 of the press releases I sent out in this vein. What I really meant to say (and I'm sure you picked up on this, it's just all those other clods who need a picture painting for them) was: "Hey, there's nothing to worry about at all. No big deal, but you might like to spend an afternoon tweaking a few things."

[NOTE TO SILICON ADMINISTRATORS. I DO THINK IT'S TIME SOME OF MY OLDER COLUMNS WERE TAKEN OFF THE SYSTEM NOW. DO PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO READ LAST APRIL'S COLUMN? START BY DELETING THE ONE TITLED: "KIDS WILL FRY IN EYE-MELTING HOLOCAUST"]

There were a lot of people who took it seriously though. The log cabins near us were full of these doomsayers. They provided many hours of amusement for Gwynneth 'n' Robin 'n' I as we watched them hauling endless supplies into their little huts. Yes, we had our own rations, but frankly that was the only way I was stick to my diet. I do it every year. Really.

I'm only sorry that we had a bit of a falling out but I suppose that's inevitable when you've been cooped up in a log cabin for three weeks with nothing to amuse yourself. (We would have bought a TV but Robin said there'd be nothing on in the New Year).

The flashpoint, as ever, was a trivial incident. Robin was trying to offer Gwynneth advice on what projects to do next and, as so often happens when career advice is being given, it led to tension. It didn't help that this was deep into the night and we were all very tired and upset.

"A very successful campaign, Gwynneth, very successful. You could do it all again too. Why not persuade the government that we're in danger of an alien invasion in, say, a couple of years," said Robin.

"Where are you going with this, Robin?" Gwynneth asked.

"You get a top salary for two years and, as long as aliens don't invade, you'll have proved a success," Robin pointed out.

"And what if they do invade?" Gwynneth shouted.

"Think woman! Think!" said Robin. "If they do invade you can say: 'I told you so, we didn't spend enough money.'"

Gwynneth was having none of it: "You haven't thought this through have you? It's just like last time..."

At that point Robin and Gwynneth drew themselves up to their full heights. Gwynneth, of course, towered over Robin even more than she would have done without her heels. The tension mounted; tempers frayed.

Well, it'll take too long to tell you how I defused that situation. As for the millennium... well, let's treat that like my ex-client Greenwich Median (who went into liquidation owing me several hundred pounds). Let's just write the whole thing off to experience. There's plenty more money out there somewhere.