The Director's Cut: All IT wants for Christmas is...

Dear Father Christmas,

I hope this letter finds you, and finds you well.

You will remember I wrote to you last year, when things were going quite well. Unfortunately things are not so good at the moment, and so, to coin a phrase, my company needs you!

This time last year the biggest issues I was facing were:

1. Ebusiness - taking ownership of the internet in my organisation
2. How I was going to hold on to my huge ebusiness budget
3. Going live on 1 January with a project that should never have been planned for a live date right in the middle of a holiday. (Never, ever again.)

One year on, these are my biggest issues:

1. Ebusiness - offloading ownership of the internet in my organisation
2. How I am going to hold onto any kind of budget?
3. Going live on 1 January with a project that should never have been planned for a live date right in the middle of a holiday! (Never, ever again.)

Our chief executive is so stressed this year he has asked me to write to you via silicon.com and nominate presents for myself and my fellow board members. We have all been very good this year, (especially me). I have written a short sentence about each of us, so you can understand the role we play in the organisation.

Chief Executive Officer
(The man who thinks he runs the company)

An A-Z of the company building as he does not seem to be able to find his way outside of his own office. Please send a paper version only.

A joke book, to improve on his present attempts, which are not only deadly boring, but make no sense whatsoever. (That doesn't stop us laughing out of politeness and career security, though.)

Financial Director
(The man who thinks he will run the company, after the man who currently thinks he runs the company)

A new chopping board for his kitchen, so he can continue cutting things long after budget season. (Please supply a few plasters as well, as he is a bit reckless.)

A life, because he is the most boring man in the company, bar none.

Sales and Marketing Director
(The woman who can't run the company, because she would sell it)

A mobile phone - to enable her to at least phone us in the IT department when she makes a sale, so we have some advance idea of what we have just sold.

A card-key into our offices, as the way our company is portrayed in the media is completely different from how it really is!

HR Director
(The man who knows who runs the company, but it is strictly private and confidential)

A paper shredder for all of the mind-numbing forms, documents and papers that are circulated every week.

An automated Performance Related Pay scheme that calculates all of the salary increases on a completely random basis - just as we do at the moment, only faster and without hassle.

IT Director
(The man who wants to run the company but is a little too busy right now)

A clear list of project priorities for 2002. (I asked for this last year and you sent a flying pig.)

A Harry Potter wand that will enable me to have some fun with all the muggles in my organisation.

By the way, if you ever decide to make a career move, please give me a call. You have all the characteristics we are looking for in our IT team.

1. Project Management - the ability to plan, work and deliver on time, every year - I don't remember presents not arriving on time, ever - well done!

2. No one sees you delivering - so you must know how all of us feel each day!

3. You have to meet people's requirements, and expectations, no matter how unreasonable and expensive.

With very best wishes,

David