The silicon.com Yearly Round-Up 2002

"The internet offers extensive knowledge, but it does not teach values and when values are disregarded, our very humanity is demeaned. Human beings have a vital need for time and inner quiet to ponder and examine life and its mysteries. Understanding and wisdom are the fruit of a contemplative eye upon the world, and do not come from a mere accumulation of facts, no matter how interesting."

So said Pope John Paul II back in January when the Vatican was said to be on the lookout for a Patron Saint of the Internet. No one has yet been given that great honour so we thought that, at this most holy of times when even the seriously lapsed remember what those large buildings with pointy bits on top are for, it behove us to cast a jaundiced eye over the year's news to see if anyone was deserving of beatification. The unworthy won't go away empty-handed: Santa will be on hand to pull suitable consolation prizes from his bulging sack.

1. Kay Hammond, CEO, Tamba Internet, aka the 'Internet Wife'

In January, Kay Hammond, the over-worked twenty-something boss of little-known ISP Tamba Internet, put herself up for auction on QXL and eBay. Anyone prepared to pledge £250,000 or more was in the running to become her husband. Her hectic schedule meant she'd not had time to meet her Prince Charming. She thought this was the best way to find true financial stability. Sorry, true love.

Puritanical eBay promptly kicked her off its pages, believing the auction was a tad immoral, but QXL persisted. A £1bn bid turned out to be a hoax (surprise surprise) but then one heroic hubby-in-waiting stepped forward. Ben Webb said he'd pay up to get hitched up to our Kay. But when the love-lorn exec tried to contact him, he had disappeared without trace.

She said at the time: "I was very disappointed when I found out that the bids were not genuine - I would have been happy to marry anyone who came up with the cash. I am still looking for that special someone. But I am very busy at work at the moment. Now I am not sure I would have had time for a husband anyway."

We're afraid Kay's sentiments are not entirely saintly. Getting in touch with your innermost self and finding real love against all odds is fair enough. Getting in touch with someone's big fat wallet via the web isn't. Kay gets a model of the Virgin Mary from Santa's sack as some consolation. Ho ho ho.

2. Bill Gates III, chief software architect, Microsoft

Bill's practically royalty as far as Americans are concerned, but saintly? That's another kettle of fish. He blotted his copybook at the Vatican by putting 'making holy software' down as his occupation. Nice attempt at a joke from someone not renowned for his sunny personality, but let's not forget that this is the man who dressed up as Austin Powers and Harry Potter this year, all in the name of a product launch. Ho ho ho indeed.

To be fair (for once), Gates did issue a jihad against security holes in his company's products in February, and even showed some repentance for his sins. He said he was "really annoyed" that his company had caused computer users "incredible pain" over the years.

The month-long initiative to fix all the as-yet undiscovered holes in Microsoft software was a huge success, wasn't it? Err... mmm.

Gates also accepted a bizarre award when in India recently in recognition of his efforts to fight AIDS in that country: an eight foot condom. Anyone who's had their picture taken with a giant prophylactic is unlikely to be welcome in Rome.

So sorry - it's never going to be St William. Take a copy of OS X from Santa to see how an operating system should behave.

3. H'Angus the Monkey, aka Stuart Drummond

Call centre worker Drummond, 28, used to spend his Saturday afternoons dressed up as H'Angus the Monkey - Hartlepool United's football mascot.

The man in the simian suit hit the headlines early in the year when he announced his entry into the race to become Mayor of Hartlepool. A nation laughed - and then promptly had the smirk wiped off its face when he won. His appointment meant he'd be moving in the same circles as Hartlepool MP, Peter Mandelson (a cheeky monkey in his own right).

Sadly, upon entering office, Stuart hung up his H'Angus costume. "The people of Hartlepool don't want a big, furry seven-foot monkey. They want someone who is serious, who is best for the town, who wants to put their thoughts forward."

But they voted for a big furry monkey. Nothing like electing one man and finding someone completely different taking office, is there, by George (Bush)?

Despite Stuart's Damascene revelation that he must mend his ways, his saintly credentials were crushed for ever when he was caught at a lesbian sex show in October.

He protested his innocence, claiming he was at the venue with a Sunday League team he helps run. "While I was there, I was standing at the bar talking to my friends, not taking any great interest in what was happening on stage," he said. "Nevertheless it was an error of judgment and I apologise if I have offended anyone."

Sorry Stuart: sin in haste, repent in leisure. But no papal audience for you.

Your present: a 10ft pole for use in the comfort of your own home.

For the other runners and riders, see http://www.silicon.com/a56910