The Weekly Round-Up: 16.01.04

Earlier this week a man walked into a department store in Kaiserslautern, Germany, carrying a computer he'd bought there that very day.

The man was very angry.

The sales staff asked him why he was angry.

The reason he was angry, explained the man, was that his new computer didn't work.

Oh dear, the sales staff said, that is a shame.

The helpful technical staff offered to examine the computer to determine the problem.

The man agreed.

The technical experts opened the PC, took a good look inside, ran a few diagnostic programs, analysed the results and after a quick debate identified the problem.

The reason the computer was not working, they concluded, was because someone had removed the circuitry and mechanical parts and replaced them with little potatoes.

How strange. Under the circumstances the shop's bemused staff did the only thing they could - they offered him a replacement machine, free of charge.

The man agreed, took the computer and with a brief "Danke" and "Auf Wiedersehen" went on his way, another satisfied customer.

But there's more...

Later the same day the same man returned to the shop carrying the replacement computer.

He was very angry.

The sales staff asked him why he was angry.

The man told them the replacement computer didn't work either and demanded a cash refund.

Once again the store's technical experts offered to take a look.

They opened the PC, ran a few more diagnostics, analysed the results and offered a conclusion.

The reason the replacement computer was not working was because someone had removed the circuitry and mechanical parts and replaced them with little potatoes.

At this point the pfennig (or cent) dropped and the quick-thinking sales staff decided something strange was afoot and called the Polizei.

The man was arrested.

Fraud is wrong. Crime is wrong. But whether the man was a criminal genius or potato-obsessed maniac the Round-Up has to rise and applaud his mind-boggling audacity.

To return home in victory with a replacement computer after pulling off the potato-related computer crime of the century only to spy the bag of spuds resting on the kitchen table and daring to think: 'It couldn't work again, could it?'

It seems that computer shops in Kaiserslautern are staffed by people who live in a state of blissful worldly innocence, unaware of the nefarious nature of the modern criminal.

The Guardian spoke to Roman Zukoan, a computer technician who works in an entirely different Kaiserslautern PC shop.

"It is hard to imagine how the potatoes could get into a computer's casing.

"When computers leave the factory they are packed in plastic to prevent damage from condensation."

He added helpfully: "If they are running for a long time they get hot and in theory it would be possible to cook a potato in a computer, but who would try that?"

Who indeed, Roman? Who indeed, eh?

A fast food gourmand was left shocked, upset and hungry recently after his order at a Burger King 'drive-thru' in Michigan was declined on the grounds that he was "too fat".

The man placed his order at the speaker but was told by the intercom: "You don't need a couple of Whoppers. You are too fat."

He was then told to drive on.

Although a disgruntled member of staff was undoubtedly the prime suspect initially, the source of the abuse appears to be a group of pranksters who hacked into the wireless frequency of the 'drive-thru' intercom. (see here.)

The group are believed to be operating somewhere in the vicinity of the restaurant (in the broadest possible sense of the word) and have been abusing diners (possibly just broad) for the last week.

Other customers were told the burger outlet had run out of food or drink, while others were subjected to profanities.

Under Michigan's misdemeanour laws the hackers could face up to three months in prison.

On the other hand, given the rising rate of obesity among modern Americans it could be argued the pranksters were performing a valuable public service by dissuading people from over-eating.

After all, if you're wolfing down "a couple of Whoppers" in one sitting you should probably take a good look at your diet.

"I'd like fries with that, please"

"You got it, fat ass..."

Can't really see that one catching on in the marketing department...

Quote of the week comes courtesy of David Fester, general manager of Microsoft's Windows digital media division.

HP recently announced a deal with Apple which will see the Mac maker produce a HP-branded iPod - like a regular iPod but in a translucent shade of sickly blue.

In return, HP will place an icon for Apple's iTunes online music store on the desktop of its computers.

The deal caught Microsoft on the hop and threatens to derail its own plans to push its electronic media format and online music services.

HP's marvellously monikered spokesperson Muffi Ghadiali said the HP device will not support Microsoft's WMA media format in the short term and has instead opted for the Apple-endorsed AAC standard.

Fester had the following to say, apparently without irony, to the New York Times.

"Windows is about choice, you can mix and match all of this stuff. We believe you should have the same choice when it comes to music services."

Bravo Mr Fester, the words 'Microsoft', 'choice' and 'competition' have always been synonymous in the Round-Up's mind...

A digital blunder by an intern at US retail trade group the Grocery Manufacturers of America (GMA) threw the debate about the controversial RFID (radio frequency identification) tagging technology into rather embarrassingly sharp relief this week.

RFID tags are inserted into or onto objects and used to track their movements - like a remote bar code most often found in shops or warehouses for supply chain management. But civil rights groups are concerned about the privacy issues (see here for more information.)

The blundering intern in question was working as a press officer for GMA, though not any more presumably.

She had emailed prominent anti-RIFD activist Katherine Albrecht, founder and director of Consumers Against Supermarket Privacy Invasion and Numbering (Caspian), to request a copy of her bio.

When Albrecht asked why the GMA wanted a copy of her biography the inexperienced intern sought some advice from colleagues on how to respond.

Her email read: "I don't know what to tell this woman! 'Well, actually we're trying to see if you have a juicy past that we could use against you'."

Of course, she clicked 'Reply' rather than 'Forward' and sent the message back to Ms Albrecht.

Consequently, the stupendously named CEO of the GMA, Manly Molpus, issued an apology to Albrecht and brushed the comments away as "youthful indiscretion".

Albrecht said she found the incident "disturbing" but admitted the gaffe might lead to talks between the two sides of the RFID debate after the GMA offered to enter a dialogue with Caspian about rolling out the technology.

Albrecht told Wired this week: "I just hope they're looking for a real dialogue about the implications of this technology," she said, "and not simply trying to appear concerned."

Now whatever gave her that idea?

And finally this week, love is in the air in Silicon Valley.

Larry Ellison, billionaire playboy, Oracle CEO, erstwhile jet fighter pilot and Round-Up favourite has found true love and married a romantic novelist.

The blushing bride is 34-year-old Melanie Craft (25 years his junior, the sly old dog).

Some may claim their meeting was predestined - or at least a little suspicious.

One of Craft's novels, entitled Man Trouble is the story of a historian by day (Craft studied archaeology) and romance novelist by night who manages to seduce a billionaire "playboy". Good grief, where does she find the time?

Meanwhile, the hero of her 1998 novel a Hard Hearted Man also seems a tad familiar: "Ross Bradford exuded wealth, power and sophisticated charm. He had a head for business and an eye for beauty."

For another suspicious parallel that suggests that fact may be stranger than fiction, see here.

Anyway, the Round-Up wishes Larry and Melanie a blissfully happy future together in the Californian home they share with two cats and nine ducks.

Melanie is Larry's fourth wife - Wife version 4.0 if you will.

Then again, you'd hardly expect the chief executive of a multi-billion dollar software company not to upgrade his operating system on a regular basis...

Until next week, the Round-Up will be lurching in the direction of PC World with a computer stuffed full of leftover Christmas sprouts.

In the meantime, enjoy the best news silicon.com has to offer.

Isle of Man is the new M4 corridor

'Geek' image an urban myth

Rural broadband row on brink of resolution

Mobile phone radiation evidence "inconclusive"

£1.2bn criminal justice IT passes "major milestone"

Happy birthday Bezos you 'old fart'