The Weekly Round-Up: 23.01.04

Microsoft UK headquarters. Sometime in 2003.

"OK guys, we need to pep up the troops."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I think we need to bring in a man-motivator and I know just the person."

"Who?"

"Well... what if I told you he's overweight, brash and prone to crass comments?"

"Aha! Steve Ballmer."

"No not Ballmer. I'm thinking of David Brent, star of the popular BBC sitcom The Office."

And so it (possibly) was that Microsoft came to recruit comedian Ricky Gervais to resurrect his character of David Brent to make a series of training videos entitled 'I'm back, and this time it's personal.... development'.

While the benefit of hiring somebody who is a hopelessly ineffectual manager to motivate your team may not be clear to all (though it doesn't seem to worry the board of Liverpool FC) - the Microsoft higher-ups seem to think it is a god idea.

So can we expect to see Bill Gates open next year's Microsoft Developer conference in typical Brent fashion?

"Can I have a word? Look I know some of you have got off on the wrong foot with me but let me tell you - you will never work somewhere that is as much fun as this place. Fact!

"You know, a lot of people come to me and they say 'Ooh Bill, how do you manage to remain popular, yet successful?' I'll tell you how, it's probably because I'm a monopolist first, geek second... entertainer third."

Gervais has stated in the past that he has turned down offers of work to make training videos in character as Brent but his resolve appears to have weakened. The Round-Up wonders what might have been different about the proposal from Microsoft (annual turnover $32bn).

"Ricky, OK first up, we've had an offer of some work."

"What is it?"

"Training video, they want you to do Brent."

"Not interested, next!"

"It's Microsoft."

"Don't care."

"You'd probably need a van just to carry the huge bags of cash they'll pay you for doing it."

"Oh hang on..."

At first the Round-Up assumed the conversation between Gervais and his agent may have gone something like that. But perhaps that was too hasty.

"What is it?"

"Training video. They want you to do Brent."

"Not interested, next!"

"It's Microsoft."

"Don't care."

"They're based in your hometown of Reading."

"Oh, well, I'll do anything for my hometown."

That's right. Good old fashioned hometown loyalty would appear to be the motive here.

And maybe the bin liners full of cash. But hats off to the person (or people) at Microsoft who thought up this whole tactic.

The Round-Up hopes while Brent is on campus he will get to meet CEO Ballmer and once and for all answer the burning question on all our lips: Who is the worst dancer?

In the meantime you may be able to resolve this dispute for us. We want your votes on the subject.

Follow the link below, watch the clips of the two men throwing down some awful dance moves, and then register your votes and feedback by submitting a reader comment.

Go... watch and vote here, but don't forget to return to read the rest of the Round-Up

Before we move off the subject of Microsoft altogether, word reached us this week that Bill 'chilled out entertainer' Gates has bought his eleventh property on the shores of Lake Washington.

The Seattle Times quoted a family spokesman as saying: "The properties create a buffer around the Gates home.

"This is a family that holds privacy very dearly to them." Oh, you think?

Now, Mr Family Spokesman. Was that that last statement entirely necessary?

I think even the most challenged of readers would have been able to assume that buying out all your neighbours represented a quest for a modicum of privacy.

As for how "dearly" the Gateses hold their privacy - the sum quoted is around $14m for the properties.

Gates' representatives have selected quiet, respectable families to move into the homes - ensuring the noisy, riff-raff element are kept out of the area.

At least two of the homes are believed to still be occupied by the previous owners, who obviously passed muster. The other quiet families in situ are believed to be those of Microsoft employees (who probably have good reason top keep the noise down, given the proximity of both their boss and landlord).

However, at least one of the properties currently sits unoccupied, raising concerns among neighbours about the effects that Gates' masterplan has had on local community spirit.

According to the newspaper reports, "casual socialising" is at an all-time low.

Funny that - because it otherwise sounds like a perfectly normal community.

Also denting community spirit were the witty young scamps who took over the frequency of their local Burger King drive-thru's intercom and used the opportunity to abuse diners.

As reported in last week's Round-Up the pranksters even told one man: "You don't need two Whoppers, you're too fat" - before telling him to drive on.

This story brought the reader feedback flooding in... and forthright opinions on the subject ranged from 'good for them, it's about time somebody hit these Americans with some home truths and addressed the obesity crisis in the US' to ... well... 'good for them, it's about time somebody hit these Americans with some home truths and addressed the obesity crisis in the US'.

Most of you were agreed that there was no crime here - and many balked at the suggestion of a three-month prison sentence under Michigan State law.

Some even suggested these young men should be held up as heroes.

One reader wrote: "This is without a doubt both the greatest and funniest news that I have heard all week. I certainly hope that those responsible not only are not charged but that they expand their operations to help lower our overweight population's dependence on overly fatty and unhealthy foods."

But comment of year (OK, it's only late January but it's still an accolade) goes to this work of genius, which in the silicon.com offices we have been lending a certain Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction-style intonation.

"The hackers were RIGHT in doing what they did. They were informing and educating the customer. Odds are they couldn't see the customer from their vantage point so the only reason the customer was pissed was because he was fat. Really, really FAT. So fat that a word like 'fat' was offensive. Ya gotta call fat fat. God that dude musta been fat!"

Indeed.

If any fat people are offended by that previous article, drop us a line and we'll apologise... as long as you don't mind it coming via text message*.

(*We won't really apologise, we think it's funny... it was just a link to the next article.)

Because apparently Brits prefer nothing better than apologising by text message... not out of ease or convenience but out of good old-fashioned, yellow-bellied cowardice.

In total 51 per cent of us would rather make our apologies via the relative safety of SMS in preference to risking a face-to-face conflict. Furthermore, 38 per cent of us would even turn down a personal invitation by text.

Perhaps...

'sorry, can't make ur wedding @ wk'end. spk soon. Luv Mum xx'

Or maybe...

'can't do 2morro after all... black suit is @ the cleaners. will send sum flowers. Hope u find another pall bearer!'

The survey also goes on to paint an interesting picture of cowardly Brits deceiving, lying and generally cheating all and sundry with text messages.

Not exactly a case of 'no text please we're British' - apparently we can't get enough of it.

For example 45 per cent of respondents have lied about their whereabouts by text message. Such as sending a text which reads 'am at office late tonite. won't be home until 10-ish.' Before getting another round of beers for your mates who are down the pub with you.

However, one industry commentator told the Round-Up that 3G phones may abolish such dishonesty... after all if your other half insists on video conferencing it would be pretty obvious if you're standing in a pub.

But on this front the Round-Up suggests a campaign may be in order to get pubs to install a grey walled sound-proof cubicle, with desk and monitor in one corner of the pub, so individuals can video conference as though they are still in the office.

The survey also revealed that 40 per cent of us would rather use text to let someone know what they really think of them.

"have moved in with your bro. he's twice the man u r."

Or maybe:

"don't kno what happnd last night. must have had beer goggles on. won't in fact be calling you ever again."

And recent developments have seen the text message becoming the tool of choice for those throwing 'a sickie'.

No more phoning up and saying in a croaky, wheezy voice... "I won't be coming in today I'm afraid. I'm in bed and feeling really sick. Think I might be coming down with that flu that's going around."

And lest you still had any hope for humanity, consider these facts which show mankind really is heading back to the primordial ooze, quicker than you can say "I don't know, some people!"

A stunning 56 per cent think it is acceptable to send a text message while dining in a restaurant, while 54 per cent think it is acceptable in a cinema.

Worse still 13 per cent of respondents admitted to texting while driving. There are no words strong enough to condemn that level of idiocy.

Until next week, here's some news. The Round-Up is now off to text the neighbours and confess to running over their cat this morning. (Not really. The Round-Up loves cats.)

'Give your staff PCs at home', government tells bosses

Virus update: Bagle spread leaves bad taste in the mouth

Hackers go all out with PayPal spam phishing scam Trojan

Bill Gates: Anything for a quiet life

Microsoft loosens XP stranglehold on browser

Emergency services to track mobile 999 calls

WWII photos see web servers grind to a halt