The Weekly Round-Up: 12.03.04

The kerfuffle surrounding the advertising campaign of directory enquiries operator The Number this week turned into a brouhaha.

The Number was rapped on the knuckles by Ofcom in January when the regulator asserted that the moustachioed running twins featured in its ads were a caricature of 1970s runner David Bedford - who complained his 'image' had been pilfered.

Ofcom ruled The Number had caricatured the former athlete's image "by way of a comically exaggerated representation of him looking like he did in the 1970s" - straggly hair, floppy moustache and baggy running vest.

So it was clearly time for a new look for the 118 boys and at a press conference this week it was announced that the runners were hanging up their vests.

Their new image is... drumroll please... mulletted, moustachioed 1970s twin detectives in figure-hugging yellow jumpsuits.

OK, not great, but still better than those dancing numbers preferred by a rival. A whole lot better.

Although The Number claims its change of image has nothing to do with the spat with Bedford it clearly gets it out of the copycat legal row with Ofcom.

At least until some forgotten member of the Sweeney pops out of the woodwork and shouts: "Oi guvnor! Yer 'aving a larff that's my look innit?"

The new ads will feature the twin detectives cruising the streets of Britain in an orange three-wheeled car, offering to help people find numbers for cinemas and other such high jinks, it was announced.

But wait! Who’s this joker approaching the podium dressed in a running singlet? Why it’s none other than 1970s runner David Bedford. The real one.

A nervous hush descended over the room (possibly, the Round-Up wasn't there and is just making this bit up for dramatic effect).

One by one, everyone in the room glanced down at what the real David Bedford was clutching in his hand as someone in the back dressed as a dancing number whistled the duelling theme from 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' (again, this last bit probably didn't happen, it's just called 'setting the scene').

Bedford, and five chums, were clutching leaflets.

Said leaflets read: "Dave Bedford wishes to point out that he does not endorse the 118 118 product and personally uses the rival 118 500 service delivered by BT."

Ah touché, Monsieur Bedford, touché.

According to reports, Britain's favourite telco had nothing to do with the cheeky stunt. Nothing whatsoever, you understand.

Yeah right, the Round-Up's got your number Mr BT marketing man.

Getting voters to the polls on a normal day isn't easy so it was encouraging to hear that the latest e-voting trial in California reported a breathtakingly large (virtual) turnout.

How breathtakingly large, you ask? Well, way over 100 per cent, thanks for asking.

After a quick check determined that Governor Jeb Bush was nowhere near a computer while the election was in progress, officials determined the bureaucratic boob was down to human error and not technology.

Apparently the e-voting system uses codes to assign a voter to a particular precinct and some election workers had been mistakenly assigning voters to the wrong precinct - resulting in the higher than expected number of ballots in 21 voting precincts.

Meanwhile, other precincts experienced an unnaturally low turnout - possibly because their votes had been counted in other districts. (see here)

However, it's unlikely the votes will be recast or recounted following the polling foul-up as the winners' margins are wide enough to factor in the erroneous voting and still come up with the same results.

Which is a slightly worrying assumption to make considering the chaos which transpired at the last presidential election.

The advent of e-voting in presidential elections is still some way off, even for troops posted overseas (see here), but at least progress is being made.

Which is good news for e-democracy but bad news for Jeb's brother George 'Dubya' who squares up to craggy-faced Ted Danson-lookalike John Kerry later this year for the top job in the White House.

Looks like they'll have to rely on the old methods for a while yet. Still, if the system ain't broke, why fix it? Eh, George?

So we can look forward to more nonsense about 'hanging' and 'pregnant' chads this November.

At least until the media gets bored of talking about it...

Quote of the week comes from the Reverend Richard Thomas of Oxford who told the BBC with a cheeky wink: "We're looking for a mix between the Archangel Gabriel and Bill Gates here. Lay people may well want to apply for this."

If you want to find out just what the clearly quacking cleric was talking about click here.

But don't forget to return to the Round-Up, which this week also features a tale of true geek love...

Beer.

Can't say enough about it. Especially after a few pints.

Our latest poll asks you what your beer of choice is.

Why? Not a clue, it just seemed like a good idea in the pub the other night.

The Round-Up conducted a quick straw poll of the silicon.com journalists who had managed to make it in it to the office the morning after the 'Idea'.

Four people opted for Guinness (Round-Up included), two went for 'premium lager', another called 'white beer', one strangely opted for 'weak, fizzy lager', while another confessed a preference for 'bitter' (the sub editor, they're generally an embittered, though gifted, lot).

Let us know your tipple of choice here and we'll try and work out some way of using the information in a meaningful and amusing way...

Mike Johnson is clearly a geek to be reckoned with.

His motto might well be: "If something's worth doing, it's worth doing with a bloody-minded and frankly ludicrous attention to detail."

He's also a geek in love. And with a real person too, not a computer - although computers inevitably feature in geek tales.

In the hope of getting his girlfriend to agree to his proposal of marriage, New York-based Mike designed and commissioned a rather pricey engagement ring. The big softy.

But he didn't stop there. He also went to the trouble of building her a customised computer covered in pearls and bits of lace, see-through panels, painted it white, added a fake gemstone for the power button and put a plastic wedding cake on top to hold her ring.

Mike etched the words "Will you do me the honor?" into the side of the PC.

According to Wired, when his beau Rachel Tolliver saw her "wedding computer" she was mesmerised.

Tolliver, who may been forgiven for wondering if this was the latest incarnation of the iMac, said she was blown away by the gesture and answered 'yes'.

"It doesn't sound romantic, but it is," said Tolliver, who is clearly quite mad.

"This has been amazing," she wibbled. "For a girl, this has been a fairy tale... I hope it lasts forever."

Which proves she's clearly a complete stranger to Moore's Law. In 18 months she'll be looking for an upgrade.

To the computer of course – true love is forever. Aww...

When adversity strikes it takes a supreme individual to not just rise above it but turn it into art. Dan Bayes is such an individual.

On 4 March 2004, Dan bought a loaf of Kingsmill Square White thick bread from his local supermarket, it seemed a day like every other.

When he got home he discovered the loaf had been sliced length ways, rather than the more traditional downwards (or widthways, across if you like). The result - he had nine, foot-long, slices of bread.

A lesser man would have despaired and panicked, but not Dan. In a moment of epiphany he had a vision – 'El Bocadillo Del Diablo' (The Devil's Sandwich).

And lo! Here it is.

An epic sandwich made using one entire loaf filled with layers of beef, bacon, cheese, salad, breaded chicken, sausage and finally ham. Sweet, sweet ham.

Even looking at the pictures makes you full. Dan writes that he's already eaten half the monster. Then admitted he needed to lie down for a bit afterwards.

Dan, the Round-Up salutes you!

And finally this week, we here at silicon.com like to think we've done our bit to try to improve the image of technology.

Take our campaign to promote IT in the boardroom. Or our calls to attract more women to the industry.

So we were literally aghast this week to learn that students at a technology college in Birmingham are being offered after-school lessons in Elvish - the language of the pointy-eared denizens of JRR Tolkien's Middle Earth (rather than a Dutch pronunciation of The King's first name).

Turves Green Boys' Technology College is offering conversation classes in Sindarin - which Tolkien based on the Welsh language, a fact the Round-Up isn't proud to admit it already knew prior to reading the article.

(For those interested, the other Elvish language, Quenya, was based on Finnish. So there.)

Class teacher Zainab Thorp claims the course will help students "boost their self-esteem", which presumably means they can swear liberally at the class bully without fear of violent reciprocity.

Is this wise? After all this is the sort of thing that could derail the quest to shed IT of its geeky, Dungeons-and-Dragons image quicker than you can say: "O Elbereth Gilthoniel."

And if the thought of Elvish spoken in a Brummie accent isn't enough to send prospective technologists running screaming into the hills, the Round-Up doesn't know what is...

Until next week, the Round-Up is off to find its 20-sided dice, cast some magic missiles at a gelatinous cube and track down the last bit of its Rod of Seven Parts.

You have a choice: you can either head east down the dark, dungeon corridor towards the deep thudding sounds and stench of death, or take a sneaky peek at the top headlines of the week.

Personally, the Round-Up recommends the latter, but each to its own, eh? AARGH! ORCS!

Web 'copycats' ripping off small businesses UK users defiant in face of latest SCO threats

Antivirus industry slammed by DTI report

IT contractors in taxman's crosshairs again

BT rolls out cash-dispensing phone boxes