The Weekly Round-Up: 14.05.04

There will be some sore heads around the new media industry this morning.

Last night was the annual New Media Age awards - a popular ever-present in most dot-com diaries - and if the complete absence of a silicon.com sales team this morning is anything to go by, the headaches will only just be kicking in.

However, for some the headaches will have started long before the champagne started flowing – most notably for the organisers who accidentally leaked the details of all the winners the morning before the awards ceremony was due to take place.

Nothing quite spoils the suspense injected into an awards ceremony than the presenter saying "…and the winner is…" only for the ensuing dramatic pause to be filled by the audience shouting back "…we know, we know, it's Reuters…"

In the words of one judge: "It can be difficult enough to keep people interested during a long awards ceremony as it is, but now that will be even more difficult given that everybody will probably know who has won."

And according to some attendees the evening did descend a little into farce, with nobody really paying too much attention to the awarding of the gongs.

So how did this happen? The first batch of magazines, complete with a brochure detailing all the winners, went out to subscribers from the printers a day early and the cat was well and truly out of the bag.

Hopeful nominees were all of a sudden aware they were turning up with zero chance of it being their name that was read out. Though at least this meant they could start drinking as soon as the pubs opened, knowing there would be no embarrassing potential for drunken speeches or falling off the stage.

Organisers said they were confident only a "few hundred" copies had gone out to subscribers but the industry grapevine is a very garrulous entity.

The 'grand prix' winner for overall website excellence will certainly have come as no surprise to anybody present after it was leaked on a number of websites. The award went to Manchester United (so, at least they've won something this year) but it was at least the one award which made guests stop chatting among themselves long enough to join in a chorus of booing.

So congratulations to the lucky few and commiserations to the losers - especially those who paid £2,000 for a table and knew before they even put their DJs and dresses on that it wasn't going to be their night.

Quote of the week now…

"We conform to the rules of engagement. If you shoot someone on your side or if you harm a civilian non-combatant, you end up in prison."

These, sadly, are not the words of George W Bush, Donald Rumsfeld or even our own Tony Blair, but the words of a computer game programmer who clearly has a better idea of how to run the armed forces than any of that triumvirate of incompetents.

The programmer in question, Christian Buhl, is behind a computer game called 'America's Army' which is being used by, well, America's Army, funnily enough, to recruit soldiers.

The idea is that budding cannon-fodder enjoy playing the ultra-realistic game so much that they want to join the army and do it for real – and so far it appears to be working.

The game is now into its second year as a promotional tool.

All battlefield scenarios in the game are designed to actively reflect real-life tactics and include updates for the 'War in Iraq'. The Round-Up assumes this means you are able to break the Geneva Convention whenever you like during the game and better still you'll never even have to justify why you're there playing it in the first place.

That latter point has to be good news for any would-be cyber-loafers who find their game playing time limited by other influences… such as the boss or an angry spouse.

Speaking of angry spouses (some days these seamless links just fall into your lap)…

A Manchester man caused a bit of a stir this week when he put his "Cheating ex-wife's knickers" up for sale on eBay.

The man had become angered because his wife - who he charmingly refers to as 'the lying slag' - had been cheating on him with a guy called 'Richard'.

The Round-Up feels his pain and certainly sympathises with him, but can't help thinking he has perhaps not gone about this the right way if he hoped to elicit any sympathy.

The bidding reached the £50 mark before the sale disappeared from the popular auction site. Either eBay thought better of it or the man realised the error of his ways.

After all, making yourself a laughing stock is surely not the best way to seek revenge on your ex-wife. Nor is shouting from the rooftops that you have been made a cuckold.

However, reading some comments about the seller on his testimony page, the Round-Up wonders whether his wife may not have been entirely satisfied in their marriage.

According to fellow eBayers he is famed for his "fast delivery". One customer even went so far as to call him "super fast". And that could be the problem. Perhaps 'Richard' takes a bit more time to deliver the goods. Some ladies like a 'slower delivery' and sometimes it makes for a better all round service.

More curiously another customer went on to say: ""Great seller! Very helpful and extremely patient!"

Not if you're his cheating wife he isn't.

Patience would appear to be the last thing he displayed upon discovering her infidelity.

More auction site silliness this week comes from eBay in the US where a man who lost out on a lot he was bidding for took it upon himself to pay the winner of the auction a visit.

Armed with a gun.

Gerald Newburger allegedly travelled 1,300 miles all the way from New Orleans to New York to break into Robert Malinovsky's house and threaten his wife at gunpoint.

Police said he was 'pretty mad' about missing out on the auction. 'Pretty mad'? The Round-Up would go so far as to say he was really, really, really pissed off! Let's call a spade a spade here.

So what was this controversial, must-have, can't live without, lot? Clearly this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy… the crown jewels, perhaps? The elixir of life? Or maybe a famous work of art, or a thoroughbred racehorse?

No. It was $360-worth of used band outfits. That's right. A grown man was pushed to the brink of reason and could even have taken another's life after missing out on the opportunity to buy 180 majorette costumes.

(Though at $2 per costume, that is probably great value… if you're into that sort of thing. Which the Round-Up isn't… honest.)

And just when the Round-Up thought it had had its fill of outlandish eBay stories for the week, a third one came along.

This time to Canada, where 21-year-old student Brandon Buchan was the successful bidder in an auction for an MP3 player.

Buchan studies English at the University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon – which the Round-Up mentions for no other reason than the fact that it's probably the funniest University and place name combination ever.

How big do their university sweatshirts have to be to fit all that on? And how hoarse are their cheerleaders?

"Give us an S…give us an A…give us an S… give us a K… give us an A… give us a T… give us a C… give us an H… give us an E… give us a W… give us an A….give us an N…

"What have you got?"

"Skooch…er…Satch…erm…Saks…er…Saksuchschoo… oh, sod this, let's transfer to Yale…"

But back to the story…

Buchan bought his MP3 player from a US-based pawnbroker on eBay and then sat by the mailbox waiting for his parcel to turn up. Eventually it did, but when he excitedly ripped open the packaging he was disappointed to discover that what he had been sent in error was actually a .22-calibre Smith & Wesson revolver and gun licence.

(Good job it wasn't Gerald Newburger receiving the goods or he'd probably have shot the postman in a fit of pique… leading the police to doubtless comment that he was "real angry" about the whole thing.)

Buchan told the Star Phoenix newspaper: "I'm no hit man."

Nobody said you were Brandon, now put the gun down, son.

Let's face it: "I'm no hit man," wouldn't be most people's first reaction. If you ask the Round-Up, that sounds like a guilty conscience speaking.

Buchan went on to say: "I was mostly confused about it all. I thought 'How did this end up here?', and I figured it must just be a mistake."

Really Brandon, you think? You ordered an MP3 player and a revolver turned up - of course it is a mistake – where is the room for confusion there?

Buchan says he is keeping a photocopy of the gun licence as a souvenir of the incident…which sounds like the actions of a well-adjusted young man.

Perhaps most worrying though is the fact the US still allows the free trade of handguns across the border. (Looks like you still need to do some work on that security there folks…)

And finally, from a confused Canadian to a bemused Brit who was recently hit with a bill from BT for £25,000.

So how did he manage that? Did David Brown have a prolific sex-line addiction? Was he maybe running his own ISP?

No, he built a new fence.

'Must be a good fence for £25,000,' the Round-Up hears you say… 'but where does BT come in?'

Well, in the process of building the new fence Brown allegedly severed a 2km fibre optic cable which BT mended at considerable expense to the company. Now BT is reportedly "anxious" to talk to Brown about how he intends to pay the bill and have given the 40-year-old 21 days to respond.

(For the record, £25,000 could either buy you 2km of installed fibre-optic cable or 21,860 band outfits. The Round-Up knows what Gerald Newburger would rather have.)

Taking a leaf out of the New York City police textbook marked 'understatement' Brown told the Sun newspaper he was "shocked" when the bill arrived.

That's one way of putting it.

Research out earlier this week showed that home improvements don’t always add sufficient value to a home to make the homeowner a profit at sale.

David Brown would doubtless concur.

Until next week, here's some news:

Virus warning: Wallon destroys Media Player

Sasser suspect: Trying to help mum?

Symantec stops frustrating virus-notification alerts

Latest Sasser variant encourages users to patch

Microsoft patches new Windows flaw

UK customers defect over offshore call centres

Cost of Sasser is $500m and counting…