The weekly Round-Up: 25.06.04

It is with a heavy heart and slightly sore head that the Round-Up writes this newsletter.

It's not always easy to put a funny slant on the week's news, but after last night's crushing defeat in the football, the Round-Up has got that 'tough crowd' feeling which must haunt many a comedian when facing a glum or overly austere-looking audience.

But with nary a mention of controversial decisions, disallowed goals or penalty kicks, the Round-Up will endeavour to bring a little levity to the end of your week. (And no matter how bad things get, rest assured the Round-Up will not at any point be replaced by Phil Neville.)

Thank God then for Larry Ellison, because in the sometimes staid world of big business, Oracle boss Ellison can often be relied upon for some light relief - often in the form of bullish criticism of his rivals or brutal honesty about the industry.

And that honesty is certainly adding a little interest to proceedings in the court case investigating his company's attempted - rather aggressive - takeover of PeopleSoft.

A videotaped deposition from Ellison was played to the court and made for interesting viewing - not least because Ellison was candid about other acquisition targets his company has and the manner in which such deals are conducted.

If you ever assumed these deals are brokered during lengthy boardroom discussions, it turns out you're a little wide of the mark.

"Tom Siebel came to my house and tried to sell me Siebel," said Ellison, making it sound like Siebel was trying to shift nothing more consequential than tea towels or mops.

"'Ello mate," began Siebel (possibly). "My name's Tom and I'm part of a government 'back to work' initiative. I'm in the neighbourhood today selling $6bn software companies and wondered if you would be interested in buying one," he added (maybe).

Perhaps while all this was going on Scott McNealy was tarmacking Ellison's driveway ('cash in hand') while Carly Fiorina was selling Avon products to Mrs Ellison. Maybe later in the day salesforce.com's Marc Benioff would call round trying to sell Larry some pegs.

And while all this sounds a trifle bizarre (...and not just the bits the Round-Up made up), this slightly random-factor approach to conducting business was no one-off.

During his deposition, Ellison also confirmed that Safra Catz, Oracle's co-president, had called J.D. Edwards about a possible acquisition. But J.D. Edwards had never returned Catz's call.

This creates an image of a forgotten Post-It note, under a pile of books and papers, which perhaps stated something along the lines of: "Somebody from Oracle called, said they want to buy us, can you give him a call back on 555-1234."

It's almost a case of 'you couldn't make it up'. And surely Larry wouldn't exaggerate... not in court at least.

Speaking of buying and selling, MessageLabs this week revealed the lengths spammers will go to in order to ensure recipients of their unsolicited emails at least click on the mail when it appears in their inbox.

According to MessageLabs gangs of increasingly devious spammers are now using spyware installed on users' machines to harvest personal information which might make an email more clickable.

For example, spyware - which many users have, unbeknownst to them - can detect commonly typed words or phrases and use them to piece together subject lines and dummy email addresses.

Let's face it, if you received an email seemingly from a friend or relative which mentions your own name, or a family member's name in the subject line there is every chance you'll click on it - even if you subsequently discover it's just another email offering 'miracle weight loss pills', bogus degrees or low interest loans. (Click here for more on this story.)

However, perhaps the most bizarre angle to all this is MessageLabs making mention of pets' names.

MessageLabs' senior anti-spam technologist Matt Sergeant said the spam target is more likely to open an email if the subject line contains information that is directly relevant to them or their job.

"The idea is that by using familiar words and phrases, such as passwords, a pet's name or a company name, users will be more likely to open the email," Sergeant said.

Huh? What? Would people really be fooled into opening an email advertising 'generic viagra' if it arrived from their dog? (Dogs sending emails - now they really would be message labs... geddit? ...and message collies and message spaniels for that matter...)

"John, it's Fido here... check out these pills, they will change your 5EX life forever..."

If it worked and cured impotence it would give further credence to the idea that dogs really are man's best friend (why do men get dogs and women get diamonds? It seems a little unfair, the Round-Up thinks).

But as long as most faithful pooches still struggle to remember not to dry-hump the furniture or forget where they buried their favourite toy it seems unlikely they will ever learn to venture into large spam-based marketing activities. (Cats on the other hand, now they are smart... and then there's the whole 'Shakespeare's monkeys' thing - the theory that an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters, would, given an infinite length of time eventually type the phrase 'Check out these genuine student hotties - no credit card required'... or something like that).

In truth it seems unlikely even the dumbest of email users would fall for this, but then in a world where hundreds of people are duped each year by the 'widow of Sani Abacha' into handing over their bank details on the promise of a large share of an unclaimed fortune you do wonder quite how gullible some people really are.

And if fooled, how far would this go? Knowing winks aimed at a bemused hound?

"Cheers boy, that worked a treat!"
'What are you going on about... can't you see I'm busy chewing your favourite shoes?'

Moving swiftly on...

Anybody who is familiar with the work of film director Tony Richardson will know all about 'The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner'.

But if the eponymous long-distance runner of that film thought he had it tough then he should have tried leaving the confines of his gritty borstal life and taken a job as the CEO of a major company - then he'd know what loneliness and suffering are all about.

A third of almost 1,000 senior execs surveyed recently cited loneliness as the worst aspect of their jobs.

Gary Fitzgibbon (real name, honest, though apparently Fitz' gibbons aren't as clever as Shakespeare's monkeys), a chartered occupational psychologist, told silicon.com that loneliness comes with the territory but can be bad for the individual exec's health.

"Loneliness is probably desirable as far as organisational effectiveness is concerned but it can have an undesirable effect on the individual. Being lonely is very stressful and stress is all about things being out of your control." (Click here for more on this story.)

So let the Round-Up start a new initiative: 'Have you hugged your boss today?'*

Go on, whatever he or she is doing right now, walk up to them and give them a big hug. Go on, what are you waiting for?

(* The Round-Up assumes no responsibility for jobs lost due to inappropriate over-familiarity or a hug not being taken in the spirit it was intended...)

Parents taking their children to Legoland theme parks this summer need not worry about losing little Johnny, Jesper or Johan thanks to advances in RFID technology.

Children entering the parks will be fitted with an RFID chip which is implanted into the cerebral cortex... oh, ok - it's worn on a little brightly coloured bracelet... which means they can be tracked anywhere within the park's boundaries.

Should kids run off (and let's face it that's what they're best at - well, that and dropping ice creams, the ingrates!) and find themselves lost, the parks' staff will easily be able to hunt them down and alert parents via SMS.

The scheme launched in Denmark last month and if successful it's likely to be seen in other amusement parks in the group - such as Legoland Windsor in the UK.

However, not everybody is convinced that Lego's motives are as well-intentioned as the reassuring marketing for the scheme would suggest.

Leo Steiner, VP at IBM, who works closely with RFID, said: "Lego will now know exactly where each customer is, how long they are spending in each area and which products are proving to be most popular."

So it's just a devious marketing ploy, then? One mother the Round-Up spoke to doesn't agree, or care quite frankly, as long as her little mites are safe.

Debbie Allen, a mother of two, told silicon.com: "When you go to these theme parks, you tend to spend so much time trying to keep your children by your side that they get resentful and a little frustrated. If I were given the chance to feel a little more relaxed, I would jump at the opportunity."

"If they then used the information they had for marketing then I really don't see the harm," she added.

And finally, topical press release (by topical, the Round-Up means shamelessly lame) of the week goes to the Training Camp and their ever-creative PR machine over at Lewis.

The release begins: "Like the England football team, UK IT professionals are snatching defeat from the jaws of victory when it comes to gaining new qualifications..."

Yeah ok... we're listening. (We're listening while wearing the offended expression of somebody sat too close to something rather malodorous... but we're listening nonetheless.)

"A survey of 200 IT professionals by The Training Camp reveals that 76 per cent have dropped out during the final stages of self study and e-learning courses, thus failing to obtain sought-after qualifications at the last hurdle."

But did clueless Swiss referee Urs Meier at any point gatecrash their course and steal their textbooks and dreams away? No? So there's really no comparison is there? (For the record, the in-no-way self-important whistle-blower has his own website where you can email him - get involved.)

So the Round-Up didn't quite manage to go the whole newsletter without making reference to the events of last night, but let's not let it get us down. There's always Comdex to look forward to... oh, what's that you say? It's been cancelled? (Click here for more on the demise of this once mighty annual IT showcase.)

Until next week, here's some news:

Stealth wallpaper could keep WLANs secure

Bill Gates to sponsor F1 Toyota team?

Spam King ladies pants plans pulled down by meat maker

Father of the internet says email ID will cure spam

BMW... with iPod 'as standard'?

Bookies stand firm against attacks and user demand