The Weekly Round-Up: 03.09.04

"I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart..."

No, not the Round-Up getting all mushy on you but lyrics from skeletal rockers The Darkness whose not-so-unique brand of retro-glam-rock set the world alight last year... or at least made many of us raise an eyebrow as to just how skin-and-bones falsetto frontman Justin Hawkins hits those high notes.

The Round-Up thinks it's all that spandex.

But to save that curious voice being unnecessarily strained on long-distance phone calls from far flung tour destinations Justin and the rest of the band have bought themselves Blackberrys - the pocket-sized mobile email device.

How very rock and roll!

O2 proudly announced the deal this week, claiming: "BlackBerry from O2 allows The Darkness to keep loved ones and fans up to date with the latest news and gossip, as well to manage their promotional commitments by email and phone."

Whatever happened to throwing television sets out of the window and biting the heads off bats?

Apparently the band, who have clearly tired of groupies and the normal tour bus shenanigans, first saw the 'must-have' gadgets while touring the US and haven't been able to think about anything else since.

Think O2 is making this up? Well here's a quote from band member Frankie Poullain, who looked up from his BlackBerry long enough to say: "It's small yet wide-screened, touch-sensitive and delicate, yet oh so sturdy”.

Which sounds pretty genuine and not at all like somebody in the O2 press office pretending to be a rock star - oh no.

While we're on the subject of in-no-way-trumped-up celebrity endorsements, David Beckham recently expressed his delight at extending his contract with Vodafone for another year.

"I am pleased to be continuing my partnership with Vodafone," said Beckham in a press release put out by the mobile operator.

"I'm looking forward to working on some exciting projects in 2005 and building on the association going forward."

Of course he did.

At least the folks at O2 think they're talking like a slightly tongue-in-cheek rock star. Have the team at Newbury ever heard Beckham speak?

Surely it would have been:

"I fink it's, you know, like, really great to be working, like, you know with, like Vodafone..."

That would at least have come across as convincing.

But maybe the Round-Up has Becks all wrong. Perhaps he really is more hands-on with the Vodafone strategy than previously imagined. It certainly might explain his poor showing and apparent distraction during this summer's European Championships and his dire record from the penalty spot during the tournament.

Sven: "David, whadd-a-wenn-a wrong out there?"
Becks: "Sorry Gaffer, it's just that I'm working on some pretty exciting projects for Vodafone in 2005 and I'm a little distracted by a 3G initiative I'm currently trying to get my head around."

Sound plausible?

No, the Round-Up doesn't think so either.

More likely it was suggestions of - totally unsubstantiated - infidelity which were preying on the England captain's mind.

And he wouldn't be the only one.

The internet has improved a great many aspects of modern life but one area where it is having a severely detrimental effect is on the issue of monogamy, it would seem.

Apparently more and more couples are divorcing after one or other of them became embroiled in a little extra-marital hanky-panky with somebody they met online.

Over-worked marriage guidance experts Relate point the finger of blame at sites such as FriendsReunited where people are getting in touch with old flames to finish something they started behind the school bike sheds some years ago.

The Round-Up points the finger of blame at the fact people have lost sight of traditional values and some people simply can't keep their pants on for 30 seconds... but no, you carry on Relate and you blame the internet.

(Didn't silicon.com predict this several years ago? Oh, yes, look we did indeed - read here for more. And what about the couples who have met through the site and then wed, such as these, here. Surely it's a simple profit and loss equation. You can't make an omelette without breaking some vows... or something like that.)

A spokeswoman for Relate told the BBC: "The first relationships we have are often very powerful and if we are feeling miserable we may be tempted to go to FriendsReunited to see what an old boyfriend or girlfriend is doing now."

Well, it's either that or they are going on hoping to find that an ex has really made a mess of their life - which would potentially also have a cheering effect.

(For the record any exes checking up on the Round-Up will be dismayed to read that "after gaining a double first at University a glittering career beckoned as a Red Arrow pilot and part-time model, which fills the time not spent either on charity relief work or holidaying in the Seychelles with a string of celebrity lovers".)

Also flirting with trouble online this week was sometime Royal groper and full-time Aussie Prime Minister John Howard who angered the electorate when he hired a company to spam voters with unsolicited campaign emails.

That'll win them over, eh? (Note the totally unnecessary terminal rise at the end of the sentence, just for any Australian readers out there. Why do they do that?! It drives the Round-Up to distraction. It's a statement of fact, it doesn't need to be phrased as a question?)

And as if that wasn't faux pas enough Howard added an it-was-really-unnecessary-to-make-it-any-worse nepotism angle by handing the work to his son's firm.

The Round-Up shouldn't be surprised that a man who - like his predecessor Paul Keating - has been accused of getting overly familiar with the Queen lacks sound judgment but Howard really should have seen how this might backfire on him, given the universal hatred reserved for spam.

Especially ironic is the fact the email campaign appears to be in breach of Australian anti-spam laws, introduced - it almost goes without saying - by John Howard's own government.

Adopting the appropriate level of righteous indignation, Labor Senator Kate Lundy released a statement which read: "John Howard's government banned commercial spamming but then the Prime Minister goes ahead and spams the public - this is a clear case of double standards."

Australian laws do exempt political spam but given his son's company, Net Harbour, was operating as a commercial venture, paid from Howard's own pocket rather than political funds, it appears Howard has been hoist by his own petard.

Howard wasn't the only civil servant of sorts to land himself in web-related hot water this past week. A number of staff at the Department of Work and Pensions lost their jobs following an investigation into the vast amounts of smut circulating on the department's network.

In total 200 employees have been disciplined after the investigation revealed more than two million pages of "inappropriate content" had been downloaded.

A further 16 have been sacked for "gross misconduct" and must now walk the earth dreading the inevitable question:

"So... why did you leave your last job?"

(Readhere for more.)

An insider at another government department, who in such P45-happy times asked to remain nameless and in gainful employment, told the Round-Up the actions of smut-crazed DWP staff are all the more remarkable for the obstacles they must have overcome in the pursuit of pornography.

Mr X (as the Round-Up will now call him, because although totally unnecessary it makes the whole thing sound far more covert and mysterious) said: "You've got to hand it to the people at the Department of Work and Pensions. Their net access is governed by something called the Government Secure Intranet (GSI). As is ours. It makes web access very, very slow. It also blocks access to anything video game- or gambling-related and presumably has similar stringent barriers to block access to porn.

"To download more than two million pages of content is a remarkable achievement and not one that should be understated."

But, joking aside, there is obviously a very serious issue here.

Most concerning is the fact that one disgraced employee was actually prosecuted by the police due to the severity of the files found on one computer, which contained images of child abuse. Then there is the fact that all this is being done at the expense of the tax payer.

A long time parliamentary campaigner on technology issues, Richard Allan, Liberal Democrat MP for Sheffield Hallam, told silicon.com that the cost of this debacle is likely to be considerable.

Allan said: "The costs to organisations like the DWP of dealing with the misuse of internet-connected computers is considerable in terms of replacing staff and any industrial tribunals that follow disciplinary action."

And finally, still in Westminster and still on the subject of depravity, Westminster council has had enough with what it considers to be mobile operators' lax-attitude to stamping out vice.

Operators aren't doing enough to stamp out the practice of prostitutes' calling cards being posted in London phone boxes, says the council - which wants any phone numbers being used to arrange elicit liaisons disconnected.

So enterprising staff have taken it upon themselves to take the fight to telco bosses and have mocked up a few cards of their own - 20,000 to be precise - featuring the phone numbers of those they identify as the most culpable bosses, namely the heads of NTL, Orange, O2, Telewest, T-Mobile and Vodafone.

The cards will be given out to local residents, businesses and charities who have become angry at the level of sex-trade 'literature' which adorns the inside of their phone boxes. Those with strong opinions on the issue are being encouraged to call the bosses and share their thoughts.

As an example to all, BT has been disconnecting prostitutes' numbers advertised in phoneboxes since 2001. Back then, 98 per cent of the numbers were BT. Now, it's just five per cent due in part to BT's efforts but also because the 'ladies of the night' have turned to pay-as-you-go and mobile tariffs.

Until next week, congratulations to Westlife for topping the BBC's inaugural UK MP3 download chart... and for proving beyond a shadow of doubt that some barometers of the nation's preference should have been left unknown.

Now here's some news:

The new iMac is here

Longhorn? "We're years ahead" reckons Apple

Mobile bosses in phonebox sex card scandal

Kids still shunning IT in worrying numbers

Tesco does broadband Microsoft reveals latest on Longhorn release Gates Q&A: So what's up with Longhorn?