The Weekly Round-Up: 17.09.04

The simple repeated phrase "Gizza job. I could do that", spoken by Yosser Hughes in Alan Bleasdale's quintessential Thatcher-era drama 'Boys from the Blackstuff' summed up for many the despair and hopelessness attached to the fruitless hunt for employment.

"We searching 4 work in AV industry" doesn't.

Those were the words of the MyDoom authors who embedded their request for employment in the variant-U and variant-V iterations of their creation.

The plea was met with cries of "Not bloody likely" from all and sundry within the antivirus industry who were quick to close that particular door on them.

Graham Cluley, senior technology consultant and full-time rent-a-quote at antivirus firm Sophos, said no-one in the industry would "touch them with a bargepole" - which may or, more likely, may not be a phrase they are familiar with in Russia.

Quite frankly the Round-Up thinks promising not to hit somebody with a big stick could, in translation, be construed as a friendly sentiment.

Undeterred by the language barrier, Cluley continued (like we could stop him if we tried).

"It's very simple - if you write a virus, we will never ever employ you. Not only is it deeply unethical to write malicious code but it raises issues as to whether you could ever be trusted," he explained while wagging his finger at the MyDoom authors and adopting a 'You've not only let me down, you've let the school down and worst of all you've let yourselves down' tone of voice.

Cluley added that the skills used to write viruses and fight viruses are very different.

"Virus writers don't care if their code crashes or causes incompatibilities - you don't have to be a genius to write a virus."

Did somebody say "red rag"? Oh look... a bull. And it’s a bull which now has a good reason to write far more robust code.

But the issue of rehabilitation through employment is an interesting one. This week silicon.com contacted a man who could tell us all a thing or two about the 'hire a thief to catch a thief' principle.

In 1964 Frank Abagnale set out on a five-year campaign of fraud and identity theft during which he cashed around $2.5m in fraudulent cheques, in every US state and 26 countries worldwide.

Between the ages of just 16 and 21, the accomplished impostor assumed a number of identities and managed to evade capture until the French authorities finally caught up with him in 1969 - while everybody else was at Woodstock or watching man land on the moon (just to add some pointless historical context).

Quite how he managed to escape some of the sharpest crime-fighting minds in the world only to be caught by the French police is anybody's guess.

He must have sat down in the wrong café.

(If you ask the Round-Up it sounds like he must have wanted to get caught really. "Oh no Monsieur Gendarme, you've got me bang to rights, it's not even worth trying to run. I'd never make it the door before you've put out your cigarette, finished your café-au-lait and shrugged your way through a heated conversation and ambled slowly to block my path.")

Abagnale subsequently served five years in prison before the FBI released him into their care. He was then put to work teaching at the FBI academy and assisting federal law enforcement agencies through his in-depth knowledge of fraud and ID theft. He has since worked with the FBI for 25 years and embarked upon a career as a consultant and lecturer.

What better example, we thought, of a man who has been rehabilitated within the world he once trespassed through. But he wasn't so keen.

"Frank Abagnale is an extremely private person. He has no time or interest in participating in media interviews of any kind," said the email reply to our request.

Well that told us. But if he wants to keep himself to himself then that's his prerogative. Though let's consider for a minute what this "extremely private person" has done with his life.

In 1979 Abagnale wrote his autobiography. The next year he sold the film rights to Stephen Spielberg - the most famous film-maker in the world - who later made it into the motion picture 'Catch Me If You Can' starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks.

These are clearly the actions of an "extremely private person" who will do anything for a quiet life.

But that was a long time ago and Abagnale on his website claims he has grown up and changed.

He currently has a new book out, his third, (here is a picture of him shunning the spotlight) and furthermore 'Catch Me If You Can' is being turned into a TV series to be shown next year and a play which will open on Broadway.

The man is practically a hermit. It's incredible even that Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks was able to track him down and spend enough time in his reclusive company to conclude: "Abagnale's lecture may be the best one man show you will ever see."

Also refusing to answer questions this week was the UK marketing director at Starbucks - which has been voted by silicon.com readers as the safest public Wi-Fi location.

We asked whether Starbucks' clientele are less likely to steal fellow customers' laptops because "if they can afford to pay £3.50 for a coffee then they can probably afford their own laptop".

The silence was deafening but you can read the full article here.

Of course the US hasn't just given us overpriced and slightly weak coffee - oh no, we can also thank our friends across the pond for many things including an influx of political spam ahead of the presidential election which is cropping up in inboxes this side of the Atlantic.

The amount is rising rapidly - much of it 'genuine' campaign material sent in ignorance of the law.

Natasha Staley, information security analyst at MessageLabs, said: "No doubt some bright sparks working for campaigning groups thought that spreading the message via email would be a great idea, perhaps even without considering that their messages could be classified as spam."

Those who are flagged as spammers - such as one organisation called Truthout.org which has been plaguing the silicon.com inbox with unsolicited email - have one last card up their sleeve - the good old First Amendment which guarantees the right to freedom of speech.

But that line of argument didn't wash with silicon.com reader Stephen Whitis. He wrote: "If they are sending unsolicited crap, they are sending unsolicited crap. If it's unsolicited then they ought to know better and, whether they like it or not, it's spam. This isn't a free speech issue - only the spammers would argue that it is."

The Round-Up couldn't agree more.

Then there is a large chunk of such emails which are simply the same old spam, dressed up with an election angle to make them more 'clickable'.

"Spammers tend to tap into the things they think people are interested in," said Staley. "As such it's to be expected that they will take advantage of topical issues like elections."

Whoever misses out on the White House job (which sounds like a painter and decorator's dream) could always consider a move online, where another prestigious - and slightly more respected - job is up for grabs: that of internet search butler Jeeves, who was sent on indefinite gardening leave by his employer Ask.com this week.

The controversial decision comes as part of an overhaul of the service. The word on the virtual street is that Jeeves will be returning in some form or other but it's unclear whether Ask will opt for the tried, tested and failed 'Captain Birdseye route'.

Those of you in the UK, with a memory for cod-based-food marketing may remember the good Captain, for a long time an old man who frankly spent way too much time with young children, was replaced by a dashing young 30-something but the change was short-lived. Similarly Tetley famously ditched the 'Tea Folk' - putting Gaffer out to pasture - because they were seen as being a bit too 'last century' and opted for a more youthful approach. (Because tea is so 'happening', presumably.)

So, are we set for a younger Jeeves? The marketing team at Ask say we will just have to wait to find out the answer to that particular question but in the meantime they are inviting users - and there must still be some - to log on and suggest who could fill in for Jeeves.

You can choose from a selection of guest butlers, which include Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Superman, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. Which is an impressive array of stars if ever there was, but curiously they have also included a Burberry-capped 'chav' character. (Click here to see a picture - but come back to the Round-Up.)

(For the uninitiated this is the lowest of the low - society's dregs, described by Urban Dictionary thusly: "Chav: 1. Anybody wearing any kind of Burberry clothing. 2. A youth usually distinguishable by bright colours and imitation gold jewellery. A human with a very little brain, often seen swearing, smoking and lobbing things at random people.")

In short it is the anti-Jeeves - he must be fuming.

"I've been gone two minutes and look at the ruddy riff-raff that's moved in!"

Enjoy your gardening leave Jeeves. Perhaps we'll only really begin to appreciate you once you're gone.

And finally, bored of using the same old mouse? Fed up of tired fingers and the mouse-hand callus where your wrist rests on your desk?

Well help may be at hand... or rather at nose, with the invention of a system which enables users to control a cursor on the screen through subtle gestures of their nose.

The brains behind the nose, behind the gadget, Dmitry Gorodnichy of the Institute of Information Technology in Ottawa, Canada, gave in to what must have been massive temptation and has called the invention the 'nouse'.

Gorodnichy claims it will make web surfing and using a PC easier for people who are disabled, assuming their disability doesn't involved their nose of course... or they aren't Michael Jackson.

"Hey Michael, what are you looking for?" "My nouse, it just fell off my face and rolled under the desk."

'But how does it work?' the Round-Up hears you cry.

A special USB webcam simply watches the user's face and tracks the movement of their nose, which it identifies by locking onto 25 pixels to represent the tip of their nose. A little gesture right will send the cursor right, a nod left will send it left and a sneeze will probably make absolutely everything go haywire.

Users with a cold may be in all sorts of trouble.

Until next week, here's some news:

Longhorn to block iPods

Talking Windows virus chats while it deletes files

XP SP2 escapes critical Windows security flaw

MyDoom worm authors want antivirus jobs

Security flaws found in hundreds of email filtering tools

Four new MyDoom worm target home PCs