The Weekly Round-Up: 01.10.04

"How surprised I was, to discover to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are."

That quote comes courtesy of now-infamous NTL customer 'Paul' who wrote a legendary letter of complaint to the cable operator in October 2001.

In his dealings with NTL Paul came up against "an inadequacy of service which had not previously been considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions".

He may not be a very patient man, or one the NTL staff feel much love towards, but you have to admire his use of words.

The Round-Up's favourite missive was the description of the technician who turned up to install a cable into his home. "The installation took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum."

Pure quality but has the Round-Up really lost its topical edge to such a degree that it is sourcing content from three years ago?

Not at all, this merely serves as context for a story which broke this week regarding the still apparently flawed customer services strategy within NTL.

Anybody phoning up with a complaint or query last weekend may have heard a change to the standard 'Your call is important to us' or 'All our operators are busy at the moment' kind of message.

"Hello," began the revised message, spoken in a strong Geordie accent. A good start but it continued, much to the surprise of customers…

"You are through to NTL customer services. We don't give a f*** about you. We are never here. We will f*** you about, basically, and we are not going to handle any of your complaints. Just f*** off and leave us alone. Get a life."

The company is attributing the abusive message to a disgruntled member of staff rather than a dramatic shift of policy.

NTL was recently named as the second-worst company for dealing with customer queries and complaints by management consultants TMI, which compiled the 'National Complaints Culture Survey'.

If only the judging panel had been doing their research last Sunday.

But Paul doesn't have a monopoly on quality soundbites. Earlier this week silicon.com staged its inaugural CIO Forum - a massively well-attended and popularly received day of panel sessions and lively debate, though we say so ourselves.

Guest speakers such as Autonomy founder Mike Lynch and silicon.com columnist and former CIO Rene Carayol were practically falling over themselves to come up with memorable quotes.

Somehow Lynch managed to steer his opening keynote address around to the key technology issue of polar bears, quipping that they snow-white killing machines must have the best PR agency in the world.

"They're ruthless killers and yet everybody still likes them."

No, we don't really know why either.

If polar bears do have the best PR company in the world it would appear at first glance not to be the same agency that sent out a press release this week warning that lazy journalists have brought down the image of the IT press. That's always going to go down well.

According to a research report entitled 'UK technology media: perception and reality' compiled in association with tech marketing portal FullRun.com, PRs and marketers believe that just 60 per cent of tech journalists are "knowledgeable" about the industry and too many rely upon "canned quotes" - (pre-packaged comment spoon-fed to journalists).

(Let's assume for a minute here that silicon.com staff fall into the 60 per cent who can indeed fathom the arse-elbow equation to avoid the need for unwarranted defensiveness. The report does come down harder on magazines than online publications. Phew!)

Most worrying for the integrity of the industry is the allegation that media organisations allow advertisers to dictate their coverage. A staggering 72 per cent of respondents said there is a direct connection between their levels of ad spend and editorial coverage.

But it seems it's not just journalists who aren't doing their jobs properly.

PR agencies say that vendors are more unwilling than ever to speak directly to the media. But the vendors disagree, leading the Round-Up to suspect that vendors, vendors' marketing departments and their PR reps need to spend a little more time in a huddle.

In recent months it certainly seems to be the case that far more vendors are 'in meetings', 'out of the country', 'with a client', 'up a tree', 'on the moon' or similarly unavailable when our journalists want to talk about anything more challenging than the latest press release to be pumped out. But we tend to persevere... or say we'll go to a rival. It's amazing. Nothing brings somebody back from their 'holidays' quicker than suggesting you'll talk to a competitor in their absence.

As a caveat, the report does add that "94 per cent of respondents believe the overall quality of tech editorial coverage has improved, or remained the same, over the past year" - so they must really have hated it 12 months ago.

But when vendors do get the chance to speak to the press about their products many embrace the opportunity to make virtues of the benefits their ware or gadgetry has brought to society.

For example, take the TiVo representative who this week told the press that the most TiVo'd moment of all time was Janet Jackson's boob flash during the Superbowl half time show earlier this year.

They must be so proud. For those not in the know TiVo is the technology which allows you to pause, rewind and record 'live' television, so when Ms Jackson's right boob popped out for all to see during a dance routine with Justin Timberlake, clearly millions of TiVo users felt compelled to watch the event again and again, or pause it at the crucial moment.

But not all TiVo use is frivolous. For example one of the other most popular moments, when TiVo came into its own, was when Chinese gymnast Yang Wei lost his grip during the high bar exercise in the Athens Olympics and crashed unceremoniously to the ground.

Also tumbling out of site this week was Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer who was perhaps the most notable absentee from silicon.com's annual Agenda Setters Top 50.

The list brings together the movers and shakers that our judges identify as being the most likely to shape the future of high-tech. And while Ballmer can certainly move, and doubtless shake, dancing just wasn't a criteria which carried much sway with the panel.

Fairing far better than Ballmer were other regulars on the Agenda Setters list Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds - which along with Big Steve sounds like a nightmare four for bridge, though at least there would be no concerns over who played with who but possibly some squabbling over the rules... assuming Gates and Ballmer couldn't convince their opponents that they would far rather play Monopoly.

Jobs was denied a second consecutive year atop the list by somebody who can politely be described as an 'outside punt' - Ashley Highfield.

Highfield was the highest new entry, in with a bullet in first place. Another new entry, Niklas Zennstrom, CEO of Skype and founder of Kazaa, grabbed the third spot.

Open source in general enjoyed a far greater presence on the list, which also reflected the move towards offshoring with Indian firms, TCS and Wipro both being represented.

Visit the special Agenda Setters site to find out more and vote in our reader poll.

And finally, if last week's mobile phone which notifies you when you have bad breath seemed implausible, how about a mobile phone ringtone which can make your breasts grow bigger?

Presumably this is one for the ladies, given that gynaecomastia has never been a quality which men ever sought with much devotion.

Hideto Tomabechi's 'Rockmelon' (presumably so named because it rocks your 'melons'... clever) registered 10,000 downloads in the first week following his bold claims.

He claims the sounds make the brain and body move unconsciously and draws upon "powers of cognitive science", according to Japanese media reports. It sounds like nonsense to the Round-Up. Stranger things have happened, possibly.

Other strings to Tomabechi's bow include the reconditioning of members of the Doomsday cult, helping them to return to normal life... though you have to ask what his definition of 'normal' is if the proposes we live in a society where your ringtone can change your bust size.

One user claims to have increased their chest one whole size, describing the effect as "awesome". She had listened to the tune for a whole week, convinced it was a joke.

Tomabechi is now reported to be composing ringtones to help people quit smoking, combat baldness and attract a mate - though the Round-Up suspects removing the smell of cigarettes and curing the baldness suggested by the need for the first two may make the third something of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The perkier bust may also help.

A word of caution though to any women who may be tempted to boast loudly about their bigger chest on the self-same mobile that effected the change.

A woman in the US has been arrested for talking too loudly and offensively into her mobile phone while travelling on public transport.

According to the Washington Post, a transit police officer thought the woman was disturbing the peace and so "wrestled her to the ground".

Did somebody say over-reaction? Why didn't he just shoot her?

Still if it means the Round-Up can travel home in peace without the inconsiderate sharing their 'private' phone calls with all and sundry then perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad course of action.

Peter Post, great grandson of US etiquette guru Emily Post and director of the Emily Post Institute, said the mobile phone has warped people's sense of politeness.

"It's gotten us into this craze that we've got to do this now," he said.

That'll be evidence that grammar and etiquette can be mutually exclusive. ("It's gotten us into this craze..."? Oh yes, how terribly proper.)

Until next week, here's some news:

Hotmail users lose freebie in spam battle

Leeds firm launches 'leak proof' email system

Retailer to put RFID chips in all clothing - but who is it?

BBC's Highfield beats Jobs as top man in tech

Google hacks can mean photocopier attacks

Microsoft determined to make XP SP2 target