The Weekly Round-Up: 10.12.04

"I got her luggage, which included a typewriter, and we took the Underground to Fenchurch Street, after I had sent a wire to my housekeeper to have a sitting room and a bedroom prepared at once for Mrs Harker."

Anybody familiar with the text or the history of the London Underground may recognise that passage as coming from Dracula, written by Bram Stoker in the late 1890s.

Possibly edited out was the following line, which the Round-Up would like to think read: "We waited ages for a train and the bloody thing was dirty and packed. The service was suspended beyond Monument and some of the escalators were broken."

Certainly Dracula's nemesis Van Helsing knew a thing or two about 'a serious pain in the neck' and those words are highly applicable to the underground circa 2004.

This week in particular the network has been particularly creaky. (Or should that read 'worse than normal'?)

Particularly at fault is the Northern Line, so breaking news which revealed engineers on that line have been buying spare parts on eBay to make running repairs probably didn't really come as much of a shock to anybody. Sadly.

"Really? That figures," was probably the more likely response among London commuters who have long-suffered the idiosyncrasies of a failing service and the sadly not-ironic claims of its strike-happy workforce.

(Those of you who don't live or work in the capital probably don't care about this whining and whinging but indulge us.)

The problem is that much of the infrastructure is so old that the only option is to seek out discontinued second-hand replacements. Given London's Transport Museum is also a source of spare parts (you couldn't make this up) it seems hardly surprising to hear the engineers have now had to turn to eBay which has provided almost every other kind of item for sale over the past few years.

And from problems with the tubes, to... well, erm, problems with the tubes, with news that laptops have been identified as a cause of low sperm count (among men... which goes without saying, right?) and even infertility.

It seems sitting with high-tech equipment resting on such sensitive equipment is not the cleverest if you've yet to start your family and fulfil any oat-sowing ambitions... suggesting a change of name for the portable computers may be required... either that or asbestos pants - but that too may breed (no pun intended) its fair share of health scares.

The issue - like wearing too-tight underwear - is with the heat generated, which for all of the human body's in-built temperature controls, can have a negative impact on the health of sperm.

Also in a general state of poor health are senior execs in the UK who were this week accused of letting themselves go, quite frankly.

A staggering, or perhaps waddling, 47 per cent of British bosses are overweight and an artery-clogging 55 per cent admit to not getting enough exercise.

The bad dietary and exercise patterns are made worse by the stressful nature of their jobs. When the pressure is on 53 per cent skip meals and a third get by on caffeine, while 20 per cent work more than 55 hours a week and 37 per cent get less than six hours sleep a day (per night, surely?).

Snacking also appears to be a weak spot for UK bosses with 62 per cent tucking into crisps, chocolates, cakes and biscuits, while over three-quarters don't eat the government's recommended five portions of fruit or vegetables a day.

Next up, some seasonal infighting this week between two CRM vendors actually raised a smile or two among the silicon.com team this week - making us all question our values, the day CRM raises a grin.

Salesforce.com got one over on rival Siebel by turning up at a press conference arranged by the latter this week.

Standing outside the conference, Salesforce.com staff, apparently with the non-attendant support of top-dog and CEO Marc Benioff-Crossroads*, handed out Christmas cards to guests which said 'Help bring Siebel customers in from the cold'. They also handed out scarves with a big, red Salesforce.com letter 'S' on them...

(*For those readers who don't remember the eighties, or for those readers outside the UK, Benny (off Crossroads) was a popular character in a cult TV show - and it seems strange saying Benny-off, or Benioff, for that matter, without following it with Crossroads.)

So on the surface it was a fairly cheap publicity stunt but it gained real momentum when a number of Siebel employees failed to get the joke.

Not hearing the penny drop above the sound of suppressed laughter from the Salesforce.com staff a number of Siebel employees reportedly even put on the scarves and posed for photos.

"And look, here's a photo of me shortly before Tom Siebel phoned and sacked me..."

An internal email from a Salesforce.com spokeswoman, seen by silicon.com, claimed: "For a short time Siebel employees thought we had been hired by their own team to greet their guests until the facts laid out in the holiday card started to settle in.

"Of course by then it was too late: the press started laughing..."

Did they... really? Those good-time prone IT hacks - we know them all too well.

"...and the Siebel team gave back their scarves."

OK, that bit the Round-Up can believe, especially as Siebel also reportedly called security. (There's nothing like taking a joke with good grace... wait for it... and that was nothing like taking a joke with good grace.)

At this point the Round-Up would like to say the temperature in San Francisco where this all took place was a pleasant and balmy 12 degrees centigrade... why did the Siebel staff put on the scarves in the first place?

Fair enough, us Brits are a hardy bunch, accustomed to the cold and attuned to regarding such temperatures with almost a 'heat-wave' mentality (12 degrees and you'd get a hosepipe ban in Kent) but even still.

The internal email, which by this stage had pushed the Round-Up's patience into the 'OK, it was quite funny but get over it already' stage, then claimed: "The atmosphere outside the hotel was so contagious that press and OracleWorld attendees who had arrived before us started coming out of the hotel to see what we were all about."

It paints quite a picture.

The email continued: "The press consensus was that we were witty and fun and that Siebel was overreacting by calling security."

"And then the cats lay down with dogs and a great peace fell upon the earth... "

(The Round-Up added that last line but it was pretty much the direction it was all heading in. Hats off to Salesforce.com though for injecting a little levity - especially into the CRM industry of all places. There's hope for some storage whackiness yet.)

Also being taken in with unlikely ploys are consumers who still seem unable to question how they have won a lottery which they've never even entered. The problem is apparently so serious that the Office of Fair Trading felt moved to put out the following warning this week:

"A Spanish lottery scam is targeting UK consumers, warns the OFT."

No, really?

"Mailings purporting to come from the El Gordo de la Primitiva Lottery in Madrid are being sent to UK consumers claiming they have won the Spanish lottery. However, the 'winners' are later contacted and asked for various fees in order to release their alleged prize..."

It's sounding familiar but there must be a catch...

"...and they never receive a penny..."

Oh, that's right - that's the catch.

Obviously most internet users are familiar with these scams but it appears the OFT and a number of UK consumers are still playing 'catch-up'.

The OFT claims to have received dozens of complaints from "people" (by which they mean 'idiots') who have lost up to £25,000.

It seems the press release could just as fittingly have been entitled "Proof: Fools and money easily parted - official".

The El Gordo lottery scam is one which has been cropping up in email inboxes for years now, along with the Dutch national lottery and recent additions to the fraudulent line-up such as the Canadian lottery, Microsoft email lottery and the Bono lottery... which probably has nothing to do with the lead singer of U2, though the Round-Up is at a loss to explain the choice of name (both him and them).

Of course the problem wouldn't exist if recipients who hadn't played the Spanish lottery didn't assume it was still possible to win it. The Round-Up on occasion has been a little tipsy and bought a UK national lottery ticket on an optimistic whim, but surely anybody would remember travelling all the way to Spain and buying a ticket.

"What happened to you last night Steve, you disappeared off for a while?"

"Not sure to be honest... and where did this lottery ticket come from?"

John Vickers, OFT chairman and man with too much time on his hands, said: "You should always be suspicious if you are contacted regarding winning a prize when you have not actually entered a lottery or competition."

Thanks for that John.

More regulatory anachronism-associated angst this week - this time from Ofcom and premium rate phone service regulator ICSTIS.

Both bodies have grown tired at the constant enquiries about fraudulent phone scams which connect users to calls which are billed at up to £50 per minute. Such scams don't exist but according to a spokesman for ICSTIS it doesn't top incessant enquiries about them from uninformed ... of should be uniformed... individuals.

Apparently the police can't quite get their heads around this one.

"We keep getting asked about this and people keep making complaints," said the ICSTIS spokesman. "But in every case it turns out to be a friend or friend of a friend [who forwarded a warning about such scams].

"No one has ever demonstrated it or shown an actual phone bill. And even the police, who should know better, keep issuing warnings about it," he added before heading off to bang his head against the proverbial brick wall.

Speaking of brick walls... or rather quite the opposite, one reader posted a comment on the pictures we ran last week of former England goalkeeper David James selling his soul for the LG pound sterling. (See them again, follow the links in last week's Round-Up, if you missed the full horror of this photoshoot.)

Our reader studied them, considered his reaction, weighed up the issue of major endorsements undermining the credibility of sport and sportsmen... and then posted the word "Tosser".

Clearly a man of very few words. Possibly referring to David James ability to throw a football.

And finally, more detailed in her communication to us this week was another reader who posted a comment detailing (at least, so she says) some problems in her 'personal life' (...we don't actually run an Agony Aunt section but we'll bear it in mind.)

"Is watching porn a problem?" she asked.

That got our attention.

"My boyfriend spends a lot of time downloading porno movies and nude pictures of women. Is this a problem?"

At this point we thought 'OK, there is probably a tenuous tech angle in there but we're really not sure we're the right people to ask'. Unless she's worried about the effect this may have on her bandwidth, contention or the possible security implications of him surfing such sites.

Still we read on... because we're nosy like that.

"I feel so confused because I know every man has a desire and some may need more than others but I feel so upset when I found out that he is so addicted to downloading these materials."

We were genuinely feeling some sympathy for this woman but still not sure that we're really the people to talk to. Our initial reaction was to wonder whether she wouldn't be better off talking to her boyfriend.

"I have spoken with him about how I feel several times..." she continued, clearly second-guessing us. So that's a start. And what did he say?

"His reply was: 'It's my private business, why does it have anything to do with you? Leave me alone'."

So he's not one of life's communicators. Her frustration is perhaps therefore understandable. However, the silver-tongued (hairy palmed?) Romeo didn't leave it there. According to his fretting girlfriend this nineties man (that's the 1590s) added:

"You should be glad that I am not out there cheating on you. I just want to learn new moves."

You have to admire the ingenuity of his answer. "I'm just trying to learn some new moves..."

He probably didn't even pause for thought. The Round-Up is impressed, and a little surprised, that having taken such a haughty position he didn't really push his luck and add: "You should be grateful."

Until next week the Round-Up is off to brave a journey on the Northern Line... which ironically may actually take until next week.

Now read some news:

Virus warning: Playboy bunny, not so funny

Atkins to come to your mobile

2005: a big year for offshoring?

Mobsters grip on web tightens

Amazon launches DVD rental service

Virus Top 10: No surprises in 2004