The Weekly Round-Up: 14.01.05

"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off."

One of the Round-Up's favourite films is The Italian Job and there was something of that Michael Caine classic about Mac Expo this week... there were minis everywhere.

Mini mac, mini mini iPod – it seems size really does matter.

The latest digital music player to emerge from the company that gave the world the fatally flawed but irrespectively popular mini iPod is the Shuffle, which frankly sounds more like a dance than a gadget.

The name derives from the fact that the Shuffle will play a random selection of tunes from the couple of hundred that you can load onto it. So one minute you may be listening to the calming sounds of Foster and Allen when Motorhead will all of a sudden bombard your senses... assuming those two acts were on the Shuffle in the first place (and admittedly if that person does exist the Round-Up never wants to go on a long drive with them when they're in charge of the stereo).

While to anybody who has filled their iPods with all manner of rubbish they really don't want to listen to all that often and album tracks they've not got around to deleting the idea sounds like a bad 'un, Apple is confident people will embrace such randomness.

And certainly it has its advantages – most notably the size, which the company is keen to point out is little bigger than a stick of chewing gum.

But that comparison has caused some concern in the land of the litigious.

The small print for the iPod Shuffle states:

- Music capacity is based on four minutes per song and 128Kbps AAC encoding.

...which seems reasonable. It goes on...

- Rechargeable batteries have a limited number of charge cycles and may eventually need to be replaced.

Fair enough. But it goes on...

- Some computers require either the optional iPod shuffle Dock or a USB cable extender.

Thanks for warning. But it goes on.

- Do not eat iPod shuffle.

No? Really? Oh dear, was I not meant to? You should have made it clearer rather than burying it down the bottom of the page.

Who is that advice aimed at really?

Of course Mac Expo included the obligatory Steve Jobs keynote... not to mention the obligatory Steve Jobs black turtle neck and trainers... because he's cool.

But not all went to plan for the normally unflappable Jobs and silicon.com had a reporter in attendance to witness it in the company of assembled Apple execs and fellow press.

"He was fannying about with Spotlight," began our reporter somewhat irreverently, "demonstrating how the application would work with photos when the whole thing ground to a halt. He called up the wrong image and everything froze."

Don't you just hate it when that happens? But while most of us have suffered such tech glitches at no worse a moment than a presentation to a small group, Jobs was speaking live to hundreds of journalists and industry figures... and Mac fanatics who probably erased the blunder immediately from their memories and refused to believe Apple products could ever fail.

But Jobs may take some solace from the fact his nemesis Bill Gates suffered exactly the same fate at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Either that or he may have regretted having a chuckle at his old foe's woe, unaware of the karma he was inviting into his life.

While presenting to the assembled crowds who had clearly not found the casinos – or inexplicably thought Bill might be more interesting than a dozen hands of blackjack – Gates was thrown into an embarrassing episode of product failure as the software he was presenting refused to work.

All of a sudden it became worth missing those card games as Gates' presentation became bedevilled by technical glitches, turning him from confident exec into hapless technophobe mode... desperately pointing his remote control at the screen in a pose reminiscent of anybody who has ever tried to get a TV to respond by simply making grander gestures with the remote or by pressing the buttons harder. He had "please God, work" written all over his face.

The spectacle was made all the more cringeworthy by the fact Gates was sat in a vast oversized armchair which allowed him to speak with all the authority of Ronnie Corbett.

The Round-Up was just waiting for him to say "and then the producer said" in a slightly high-pitched nasal tone.

As the desperation and awkward anxiety began to grip him his semi-reclined posture and demeanour put the Round-Up in mind of Woody Allen at his neurotic best. See for yourselves.

But the long-term blushes of Gates and Jobs have been saved by the most embarrassing keynote of the year so far – that given by Craig Barrett of Intel who for some reason, known only to himself and his advisers, thought it would be a good idea to sing a duet with wide-mouthed Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler, while displaying all the flair and rhythm of a dead man.

Putting aside the obvious question, what was Steven Tyler thinking, the big sell out. (The Round-Up is aware that question could easily be answered with a picture of Tyler annotated with a thought bubble full of dollar signs. Still, does the man know no shame?)

It would be cruel to tempt you with such a tale and not show you the footage. It really does have to be seen to be believed.

So, as Roy Walker said a great many times: "Let's see what Mr Chips is up to..."

Never has a man been able to look so uncomfortable or out of place on a stage where his name was writ large above the lectern.

It's almost as if high-tech CEOs and chairmen have a competition running among themselves to outdo one another in the embarrassment stakes... surely they never think such stunts are going to go down well.

"What have you got planned for your big Vegas curtain raiser Bill?"

"Oh, my software is going to fail while I am up on stage."

(Cue rolling of eyes from Steve Jobs who was planning exactly the same stunt and realises he doesn't have enough time to think of something new.)

"What about you Craig?"

"I'm not saying, you'll just have to see, but it's a doozey. All I'll tell you is that it involves singing – and I am absolutely tone deaf! It's going to be a blast."

In truth none of this posturing or blundering will ever take Steve Ballmer's crown... but Barrett has pushed Microsoft's own Dancin' Homer close.

Men such as Barrett are used to finding themselves in the spotlight but there have been concerns expressed this week by the many in society who want to keep themselves to themselves, thank you very much.

The issue of snooping was once again in the headlines and many are concerned about new government powers to check up on us. But one reader debunked such nonsense, saying he for one has nothing to worry about.

"It's people with something to hide that are scared," he wrote, posting a reader comment. "Personally I don't care who snoops on me. If a communication was really that sensitive I'd be talking to whoever in a secluded car park in the middle of nowhere."

Which is a fair point, though the Round-Up was left to wonder why he therefore felt it necessary to sign his name Mickey Mouse... surely not the actions of somebody who is as open as he suggests.

Or so the Round-Up thought, until we saw the email address he had given: mm@disney.com.

Could it be?

Furthermore he put his occupation as 'Kids Entertainer'. Just a co-incidence? The Round-Up doesn't think so.

Somebody who may be wishing he'd kept his identity a little more under wraps than the world's most famous cartoon mouse is a blogger who was fired from his day job at book store Waterstone's after writing some less than flattering things about his employer in his web journal.

Joe Gordon has been running his Woolamaloo Gazette since the nineties and had been a Waterstone's employee for 11 years until the company dismissed him following a disciplinary hearing, claiming his comments had brought the company into disrepute.

silicon.com broke the story earlier this week and Gordon told us he was "gobsmacked" when he received the news.

Anybody who had read his blog and was familiar with his reference to his long-term employer as "Bastardstones" might not be quite so gobsmacked but still there is more than a suspicion of heavy-handedness about the bookstore's actions and there are campaigns afoot now to get Gordon re-instated.

Gordon claims his references to Waterstone's were occasional and any negativity was meant to be satirical rather than defamatory. Through their actions the company has certainly invited far more negative publicity than Gordon's blog could ever have generated.

But the Round-Up can't help thinking the worst thing in all this is that the hapless, but harmless, Gordon was so unfunny in his attempts to satirise his employer. After all, coming up with the moniker 'Bastardstones' (can you see what he did there?) isn't exactly text-book wit.

Gordon, who has appeared in the media on a number of occasions representing Waterstone's, told silicon.com "I've done so much promotion for this company, it's not true."

But sadly the Round-Up isn't sure calling them Bastardstones was really the kind of publicity they were after.

Gordon is currently talking to his union about his dismissal and says he may take further action - perhaps calling them Bumstones or Wee-wee-stones.

Still it could have been worse. If you're looking for somebody who landed themselves in trouble with their online activities then look no further than the Noel Duff, a man who was stabbed four times, including once in the heart, by an old pal he had contacted through FriendsReunited.

We've all sent emails which we later regretted but the Round-Up suspects the email Duff sent to old friend Brendan Walsh is certainly one he's since had some doubts about the wisdom of sending.

Upon renewing their friendship Duff began dating Walsh's sister, which was his first mistake. Dating a mate's sister is never going to have a happy ending.

One evening, after too many jars of loudmouth soup, Walsh accused Duff of beating his sister and an argument ensued. Walsh got the wrong end of the stick and Duff got the wrong end of the knife.

Sir David Calvert-Smith QC for the defence said: "When Mr Duff fell to the ground, it suddenly dawned on him that he [Walsh] had harmed his best friend."

"It suddenly dawned on him"? He stabbed him four times in the chest, what did he expect?

It's not as if he punched him a little harder than planned on the arm or gave him a Chinese burn. He took out a knife and stabbed him. Four times. Did he really expect his friend just to run it off?

Incredibly the two are still good friends and Duff, who is clearly as bad a judge a character as he is a hopeless optimist, says he has forgiven Walsh for inflicting the wounds which actually left him technically dead for a brief time. How desperate was this man for a friend?

Walsh will be out of prison in three years time and the two will then be able to renew their beautiful friendship, though the Round-Up thinks somebody has some apologising to do.

And finally, a US man has taken the phrase 'use your head' to new extremes with news that he is auctioning ad space on his forehead. Andrew Fischer, from Omaha, Nebraska has said he will agree to host a non-permanent tattoo of the advert or brand name of the highest bidder, on his forehead, for 30 days.

The auction and many others like it (no, really... he isn't the first and he won't be the last) is being hosted on eBay.

The Round-Up hopes Hormel takes advantage of the space to advertise 'Spam' - rekindling a popular childhood association between the word spam and large exposed foreheads... often accompanied by a playful open-hand slap. (See that's the sort of thing which friends might enquire about afterwards 'Sorry did I actually hurt you then?' ...not multiple stabbings).

Fischer has ruled out having anything too controversial tattooed on him. He told the BBC he wouldn't consider frightening the God-fearing folks of Omaha with '666' on his forehead and also ruled out a Swastika - proving he has a much better grasp of taste and decency than Prince Harry.

And on that note the Round-Up will take its leave of you good people for another week. But not before leaving you with some news: