The Weekly Round-Up: 18.02.05

"Roses are red violets are blue, You cheating swine I divorce you..."

That may well have been the message inside at least one Valentine's card this past Monday, assuming warring partners go to the trouble of celebrating, which (but for the need for a hook to hang this opening gambit on) the Round-Up seriously doubts.

A US divorce court this week heard a Florida woman had become so suspicious of her husband's relationship with a woman he met online that she installed spyware on his computer to monitor his conversations with the alleged 'cyber-mistress' as the two played Yahoo! Dominoes.

(No really, dominoes. It's not a euphemism. They really were playing dominoes. So whether the alleged 'cheating' was on his wife, or at dominoes, the Round-Up is unsure. However, to divorce a man because he's dishonest at table-top games seems a little harsh.)

However, three Florida judges forbade Beverly O'Brien from revealing the details of the conversations in court during divorce proceedings, adjudging the use of spyware to be inadmissible.

Worse still for the scheming Bev it appears her actions could actually have more serious implications. Judge Donald Grincewicz wrote: "It is illegal and punishable as a crime to intercept electronic communications."

Oh dear. It could yet prove to be a very costly game of dominoes for all involved.

At the other end of the romance chart was this email from a silicon.com reader, who we will call 'Clive Miller' - because that's his name - following an appeal in last week's Round-Up for stories about love blossoming with the aid of technology.

Clive emailed us in this most romantic of weeks to report: "When I started dating my girlfriend, I sent a text message to my friend Richard which read 'Richard, me and Sandra are now officially shagging!'."

Nice.

But putting aside such ungallant kiss-and-tell locker room bravado (and a question about what constitutes 'officially' – did they wear uniforms? Did they sign something?) let us focus on the fact that he didn't send it to Richard at all but rather, you guessed it, he sent it to Sandra who was doubtless very impressed with her new man and the yardstick he used for determining when a relationship is truly forged.

Upon realising his error (a reply from Sandra helped in that regard) Clive rang up to begin the long uphill struggle of grovelling... and probably also to ascertain whether he would be 'getting any' this side of the next ice age.

This story does have a happy ending for Clive and, the Round-Up presumes, the slightly long-suffering Sandra.

"I'm glad to say we patched things up," wrote Clive "...and she is now my wife!"

Aw! Bless. And to think Eros goes to all that trouble of firing his arrows, when misdirected texts work just as well.

Also getting caught out by modern technology this week – though in far more sinister circumstances - was a 19-year-old career burglar (somebody who makes a career out of burgling, rather than somebody who steals other people's) from Cambridgeshire who really picked the wrong house to break into recently.

Ben Park, 19, of Cambridgeshire was sentenced on Tuesday to 11 months in prison for burgling the home of Duncan Grisby, a software engineer... and co-founder of business intelligence outfit Tideway (read more about Duncan Grisby at his own website and for the record, he photographs nudes in his spare time).

(Small world fact of the day: Grisby's firm Tideway is actually based in silicon.com's old offices over in Chelsea, West London.)

Grisby had been burgled previously and decided he would use his tech savvy to ensure any similar crimes against him in the future would be recorded for the police's attention.

Grisby set up a camera by his PC which was activated by movement within the room. It then began sending pictures to a website where they could be stored safely, irrespective of whether the camera itself or the computer was stolen... which is handy because Park had it away with both.

But one such photo provided police with a perfect face-shot from which to identify Park after he had leaned in to take a closer look at the camera. The dolt. (Have a look at the pictures... note the black and white striped jersey and swag bag – lest anybody hadn't noticed he was a burglar.)

Cambridgeshire police were more than familiar with Park's rather gormless visage, having enjoyed his company on at least 13 previous occasions. (For 'occasions' read 'convictions'.)

Given the fact time already spent at Her Majesty's pleasure hasn't put Park on the straight-and-narrow Grisby expressed concern at such a lenient sentence being handed out this time around. And it would appear Park is slow to learn his lesson. When he burgled Grisby's house he was actually out on bail following a previous charge of attempted burglary, also in the Cambridgeshire area.

So, citizens of Cambridgeshire, you have 11 months to buy new locks for your windows and doors and install your own security cameras... unless, of course Park comes out of prison a reformed, law-abiding citizen, which our lawyers suggested we mention is a very real possibility.

If that is the case then he will be as entitled as anybody to a second chance in life (though, technically it would be a fourteenth chance... but hey, who's counting).

And while such judicial leniency (not to mention the Round-Up's fondness for really tenuous links between stories) may have left a bad taste in the mouth, one Japanese chef has set out to achieve quite the opposite effect, using little more than an inkjet printer.

Homaru Cantu, who plies his trade at the Moto restaurant in Chicago, has removed the ink cartridges and replaced their contents with all manner of fruit and vegetable-based sauces and flavourings. He's also switched the standard A4 printer paper for sheets made from soybean and potato starch.

And 'hey presto!' flavoured paper, in any design he or his customers desire.

Similarly Cantu could also provide flavoured menus thanks to his ingenuity. Rather than reading descriptions of each dish, customers will be able to lick the words which take their fancy and make a decision based on that... though anybody dining at Moto should certainly request a fresh menu and would be discouraged from borrowing one from the next table.

"You can make an inkjet printer do just about anything," said Cantu – suggesting to the Round-up that he really hasn't tried hard enough, because frankly that's a lie.

(Take it down the park Homaru and try to get it to fetch a stick. Or ask it to go pick the kids up from school. You'll soon revise your use of the phrase 'just about anything'.)

However, according to New Scientist magazine, Cantu has managed to recreate flavours as diverse as birthday cake and sushi.

The Round-Up looks forward to the day when Cantu's innovation proves an inspiration to more people, though questions whether restaurants are really the place. Let's keep food for the restaurants and instead embrace flavoured, edible paper as a bonus in the workplace and beyond.

That's not to say the Round-Up would discourage some take-up within the catering industry.

Cookbooks would be revolutionised. For example, Deliah's lemon meringue pie recipe page would actually taste like lemon meringue pie, Rick Stein's pan-seared sea bream would actually taste of pan-seared sea bream, Nigella's chocolate cake would actually taste of chocolate cake and Jamie Oliver's bangers and mash would actually taste like a cheap publicity stunt dressed up as money for fat-tongued old mockney rope.

And still on a loosely adhering food theme... onto the Blackberry – the mobile email device which continues to grow in popularity.

However, the devices have this week found themselves placed alongside the likes of Otis Ferry and other anti-hunt protesters on the House of Commons 'banned' list.

(The government's recent campaign pledges would suggest 'verbs' have also found their way onto this banned list. 'Britain Forward Not Back'... huh?)

Sounding like the host of a well-run pub quiz, Speaker of the House Michael Martin said anybody spotted using a Blackberry or other "electronic devices" in the chamber will run the risk of being thrown out.

The move follows Labour spin-chief Alastair Campbell's Blackberry blunder last week, as mentioned in the Round-Up, which saw him send a profane email to the BBC.

And it's not just the mobile email devices which have been courting the handset headlines this week with the great and the good (and probably the mediocre and downright naff) of the mobile phone industry gathering in Cannes for cocktails and drinks receptions aboard some fancy yachts... oh, and some serious networking and a tiring conference schedule as well.

silicon.com's very own Tony Hallett was on the ground in Cannes, running around like the proverbial fly avec le derrière-bleu... as they probably don't say in Cannes.

Read the quotes of the week as well as Tony's diary from the event and see if you can spot the moment when slight disdain for the phrase 'fireside chat' became loathing...

Day One (sort of)
Day One (proper)
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four

And it's a fair point. The 'fireside chat' is becoming an integral part of any conference. It refers to the tendency to put a speaker and an interviewer up on stage, often with props such as armchairs and – The Round-Up may be imagining this - even a standard lamp and rug on one occasion... but never an actual fire.

It's intended to create a disarming and engaging surround, akin to the fireside in a study or traditional lounge.

It fails.

And finally, switch your déjà-vu detectors to stun... as news hits the web of yet another tiresome American auctioning off ad space on a body part.

This time it's a pregnant woman auctioning off her bump...

Elisa Harp who hails from (not that) Roswell (though it would have explained a lot), near Atlanta, Georgia put her tummy on eBay but is now involved in legal action after refusing to 'sell' to the highest bidder - SunPoker.com (...which would have been apt as somebody's 'son' has obviously poked 'er at some point).

"Why?" The Round-Up hears you disinterestedly murmur... was it because she didn't want her pregnancy or her child's future to be sponsored by a company which makes its money from gambling - especially living, as she does, in a state where gambling is still illegal?

Not a bit of it... it would appear she couldn't care less about those concerns.

And the proof for the Round-Up making that assumption... it's because she has decided instead to sell the space to notorious online casino GoldenPalace.com – which has been behind a great many publicity stunts including a sponsored streaker at last summer's Olympic diving competition. The company's branding has also adorned the bodies of people interrupting events as diverse as the Super Bowl (though they missed a trick with Janet Jackson's right boob) and the World Figure Skating Championships.

Readers of the Round-Up (which, if you've got this far you must be) may remember GoldenPalace.com also won the bidding on eBay late last year for the high-carb snack-based miracle that was the Virgin Mary toasted cheese sandwich (the 'Deity-licous Dairy Digestible'... as the Round-Up would irreverently market it, given half the chance).

Why such U-turn the Round-Up can't imagine. However, according to Ananova.com SunPoker isn't giving up without a fight and has launched a legal action – ensuring lots of publicity for both brands... which is convenient (though whether taking a heavily pregnant woman to court could be classed as good publicity – or any company's finest hour - is certainly doubtful).

So what next? Well the Round-Up predicts any number of buxom Bostonian barmaids auctioning off their cleavage 'real estate' to bidding brewers.

But let's face it - advertisers looking for maximum bang for their buck really need to move into the Texan buttock space.

And on that bum note, the Round-Up will take its leave of you for another week... Until then, here's some news: