The Weekly Round-Up: 08.04.05

'It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.'

A joke can go too far. Like the 50 million Americans who all had the same thought: 'What the hell, I'll vote for Bush, it's not like anybody else will and it will give the ballot counters a laugh.'

Or the person who first told Tracey Emin 'no really... it's great. You should definitely produce more of this stuff'.

And then there's the joker who keeps telling Tim Henman 'maybe next year, Tim. You really had him for a minute there'.

And the 'Great Britain Winter Olympics' team... or the continued use of the word 'opposition' to describe the Conservative party.

Where's all this going? Well, when we published our April Fool stories this time last week we derived some pleasure from the angry reaction of those who failed to get the joke.

After a while though - once the joke is out in the open and people still fail to grasp it - you start to feel a growing sense of unease and more than a little embarrassment for all concerned.

Like the kids of Michigan playing hide and seek with a young Stevie Wonder, there comes a point when you realise there's very little glory to be gained from having the upper hand.

And so it proved with one of our April Fool jokes from last week - the one which claimed RFID chips (tiny radio frequency tracking tags) were going to be placed in all food in order to help supermarkets track orders and to help water boards track human waste.

When we first saw it reappear as something other than a rather implausible tall story there was some chuckling across the team - "they haven't spotted it's a joke" - but mirth quickly turned to embarrassment for the folks at 'Intellect' who send out an email each week giving their take on what they consider the biggest stories of the week.

Top of the list from the past seven days was our story, alongside more serious offerings from a number of other (dare we say lesser?) publications. (I think we dare.)

Such a situation meant we certainly double-checked and triple-checked the date of the next story, which appeared on the BBC.

BT has long stood accused of not pandering to the needs of the broadband have-nots but this is taking things to new extremes.

There's pandering and then there's panda-ering.

China's largest panda sanctuary Wolong in southwestern China is being fitted with broadband which researchers claim will aid the survival of the giant panda.

Pandas, famed for an incredibly fussy approach to breeding, will now be able to access online pornography to get them 'in the mood'. They will also be able to use services such as iTunes to download some sexy mood music.

OK, the Round-Up completely made up that last paragraph - the broadband is actually being fitted in the park to enable closer monitoring of the species.

Real-time picture and video feeds mean wardens will actually be able to see the animals not mating rather than just knowing they're not mating.

It sounds laudable but the Round-Up can't help thinking this is just more money down the panda-shaped drain.

Let's face it, nature cracked the cruellest of jokes by making them large, black-and-white and dumping them in the middle of a dark green jungle in a country where their every organ is a delicacy... and then removing their libido to ensure maintaining their numbers proves tricky.

"Do you think the hunters will spot us Chi Chi?"

"You know what Ming Ming, I think they might."

"We're screwed aren't we?"

"Not very often..."

However, one silver lining on the cloud that looms ominously over the panda population is the fact the new system will at least be able to provide more accurate numbers through improved monitoring - meaning, if nothing else, the WWF (World Wildlife Fund, not World Wrestling Federation) will be able to know exactly when it is time to change their logo.

The system reports there are currently 1,600 pandas remaining in China.

Good luck to them all and congratulations to the giant panda on getting broadband before some parts of the UK - such as Crowcombe, Fradley and Yockleton, where panda populations have already reached zero.

Of course the UK holds the prestigious claim to fame of being residence to the last member of a royal family to shoot a panda for sport.

Phil the Greek will be spending this weekend in Windsor (bet he loves all those foreign tourists) for the wedding of his eldest son Charles and those of you who really care (there must be somebody) and don't live in Crowcombe, Fradley or Yockleton (which sounds like a corruption of Yokel Town if ever the Round-Up heard one) can even tune in to the Royal wedding webcam for a view of Windsor Guildhall as the spectacle unfolds.

Or more likely you will be able to see what a website looks like when it is inundated with too much traffic but you never know. An overwhelming lack of interest in the whole debacle could make for some impressive up-time.

If you are one of the few who care you can watch here.

Currently, as the Round-Up writes this, there are two mounted policemen sat chatting and very little activity.

Of course the wedding of Charles and his attractive bride was originally supposed to be today but they moved it so as not to clash with the Round-Up coming out.

Apparently the Queen is a big fan.

Of course the funeral of Pope John Paul II may also have had something to do with the one-day postponement.

The Pope is credited with a great many things during his reign, one which has been the dawn of a 'virtual Vatican'.

In his later years the Pope's ill-health and faltering voice were seen as a catalyst for the creation of more of an 'e-Pope' as the faithful could flock online to fulfil many of their spiritual needs.

The Vatican website, launched in 1995, was even used for delivering virtual sermons as well as delivering letters and personal musings from Il Papa.

Just a few weeks ago the Pope urged the church and his cardinals to embrace the internet and its potential.

''Do not be afraid of new technologies!" wrote the Pope (even when rather tasteless ads for the 'Pope mobile' appeared on eBay within hours of his death). "These rank among the marvellous things which God has placed at our disposal," he added.

And it's certainly a message which the Catholic Church has embraced.

The Round-Up's personal favourite, spotted in a report on the BBC, are fan sites dedicated to German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who conducted this morning's mass which was broadcast on the internet.

The sites sell T-shirts and baseball caps bearing the slogan: "Putting the smackdown on heresy since 1981."

And speaking of Poles (sic), have you answered the question being posed on the silicon.com site? We're polling you on where you prefer to work: at home, in the office or out and about, always on the move. If you haven't taken the poll do so now. It will take two seconds of your time and will let us build a clearer picture on how the modern workforce is shaping up. You can cast your vote here.

Microsoft this week had something to say about the workplace - pointing the finger of blame loosely at 'your colleagues'.

Apparently workers are blaming poor teamwork and pointless meetings for leaving them stuck late at the office. Which probably sounds remarkably familiar to all of us.

A Microsoft-sponsored survey of 38,000 workers in 200 countries found that people work on average 45 hours per week but consider about 17 of those hours - two days a week - to be unproductive.

Microsoft added: "However, many employees said the most valuable half hour of their week was spent on a Friday afternoon reading, forwarding and chatting to colleagues about a popular email newsletter from silicon.com."

The 2,200 UK respondents to the productivity survey said a lack of team communication and ineffective meetings are the top time wasters.

Nearly six hours a week are spent in meetings and workers said they receive on average 42 emails every day. (Lucky them. The Round-Up gets somewhere in the region of 600 emails per day.)

Apparently just over half (55 per cent) of respondents linked their productivity directly to the software they used... which probably explains why Microsoft was running this survey, though it doesn't explain how many respondents lost vital minutes each day due to failings of its own products.

On the software front, apparently looking for stuff is the biggest problem.

And not just finding but understanding is apparently a pitfall of modern technology. Security is the area where understanding perhaps needs to be greatest and yet users are utterly baffled by phrases such as phishing, spyware and Trojans.

According to research from AOL, 84 per cent of home computer users do not know that 'phishing' is the term applied to the kind of fake email scams which would part them from their bank account details given half a chance.

Of course the importance of nomenclature is limited but it does mean all those articles warning about the threat and potential solutions for phishing have been lost on them.

Shockingly - bearing in mind all respondents are internet users - 16 per cent of those surveyed said they have no idea what 'spam' is.

A quarter or respondents said they know what spyware is though 10 per cent of those think it is a software program used to spy on spouses and partners. (Which of course is can be, though its uses are far more wide-ranging.)

The survey revealed that 83 per cent of respondents are worried about their personal data being stolen and yet only 39 per cent were aware what a Trojan is and 20 per cent admitted they have no idea how to protect themselves online.

(The Round-Up opened an email earlier this week about Trojans. Turns out it was all about that particular make of condoms - confusion is certainly rife.)

Technology does have a lot to answer for in shaping our language and is by far the greatest source of neologisms. silicon.com's own effort is to get the word 'hackmailing' - a conjunction of hacking and blackmailing - into common usage. We think it perfectly describes the growing practice of extorting money with the threat of attacking, defacing or bringing down a website.

And finally, speaking of conjunctions, the Round-Up learned of possibly the worst company name ever this week.

Mandrakesoft has merged with Conectiva. It doesn't matter if you've heard of them or have any idea what they do because the story is about what this abomination has decided to name itself.

Mandriva. Oh that stinks.

On that note... now would be a good time to read some news:

$200,000 eBay scammer jailed for six years

Spooks' computer system runs over budget

Yahoo! Nazi auction trial finally reaches an end

Latest smart phone Trojan spotted

Mobile messaging: Kids' thumbs worth billions

'Protecting the public from piracy too expensive'