The Weekly Round-Up: 20.05.05

'I could have been an insurance salesman.'

It seems some people aren't happy with being the CEO of one of the world's most successful companies... unless Microsoft's Steve Ballmer didn't really mean this in a Brando-esque 'I could have been a contender' kind of way.

There's certainly never a dull moment when Big Steve opens his mouth to talk.

This latest missive - albeit a slight paraphrasing of the great man's words - does show just how close thousands of car owners could have come to buying car insurance from 'Honest Steve'. Though doubtless their motors would have needed to be brought in for a service (pack) after only 500 miles.

A narrow escape, you'll agree, though it does mean those in the IT industry have had to endure his ramblings instead.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Ballmer has also announced his intention to retire...

...in 12 years' time.

"I'll be 61," he said. "That seems appropriate."

Don't worry. That time will fly by. Remember waking up with a hangover, seemingly the morning after your 18th birthday only to discover your 30th birthday was already upon you? Twelve years can pass in a heartbeat.

But going back to the beginning of his career Ballmer explained that had his old pal Bill Gates not given him a job within Microsoft he may well have ended up selling car insurance, following advances from Progressive Auto Insurance.

"Maybe I'd have been super happy," he said.

You and us Steve. You and us, though the Round-Up can only guess at the great pain of such an 'if only' conundrum haunting Ballmer's thoughts as he counts his great stacks of cash.

Ballmer also took the opportunity, while speaking at Stanford Business School (the Alma Mater he dropped out of after only a year) to set the record straight on a bit of confusion arising from the issue of gay rights. Microsoft recently decided it had a 'neutral' position, before deciding a 'pro' position was actually far more 21st century.

"We do not discriminate," said Ballmer. Though those words could actually have been referring to any number of technologies or rival companies he's had no qualms about stomping all over.

"But our employees have partners and significant others," he continued, making it clear it was still the rights issue he was talking about. "We need to make sure they can find work."

However, not wishing to get too Julian Clary about all this, the Round-Up thinks Ballmer might have chosen the following phrase a little more carefully.

"I decided to take a position, and we'll be firm."

Ooh, get him!

Perhaps Ballmer's finest hour in recent times... or at least the one which drew the most ire and heated reaction was when he branded iPod users a bunch of thieves.

No reading between the lines required there.

(Remind yourself of this story and Ballmer's slightly clumsy back-peddling by reading our coverage from the time - from his original remarks, to his subsequent memory loss.)

Sadly for many iPod users, it's not just - or even - the music which is stolen but also the device itself.

However, one plucky inventor thinks he may have struck upon the answer with an invention called 'The-Leash'.

silicon.com received an email which stated: "A friend of mine, a NEW YORK NATIVE has developed a device that is perfect for protecting any mobile device."

The capitalisation was the author's own. We've no idea why he thought emphasising that fact might be a deal-breaker.

Perhaps he's just a little crazy.

The improbably-named "Dell Fields has developed a new product," he continued.

"The-Leash, which is small and lightweight, attaches a mobile device to its user via a simple clip mechanism."

(Think retractable dog lead and you're pretty much there.)

"The unique feature of The-Leash is its heavy-duty retractable cord..."

As we say, think retractable dog lead... and you might look at the word "unique" in a new light.

However, an added touch is that the cord is reportedly made of US military parachute cord, "which provides the user the assurance that their device will not be swiped, left behind dropped or damaged".

So there you go. It may, however, leave you stranded, dangling from a tree if you don't hit the landing site.

"Please contact Dell for additional information," he added. We assume he means his mate, the NEW YORK NATIVE and not the Texan PC giant.

Sticking with the subject of gadgets ending up in the hands of strangers, there are possibly few stranger than Richard Henry, who the Round-Up suspects may well have too much time on his hands. He is planning to break the scuba endurance world record this summer with the help of some high-tech gadgetry.

In order to break the record he will be required to stay underwater for seven whole days. He will be making his attempt beneath the waters of Lake Andrea in Wisconsin and will be whiling away the time playing with some gadgets, including a Palm PDA and an MP3 player.

Henry is also taking a number of computer games down with him - all encased in waterproof containers (obviously).

(Is it just the Round-Up or is this sounding like the ultimate attempt to get away from 'her indoors' for a while... hasn't this man heard of a shed...? or a golf club?)

The cheeky aquanaut is also angling for a portable DVD player.

Henry's right-hand man, Howard Cooley, said: "We contacted Sony but haven't heard back from them."

No? Funny that. Perhaps Sony's finely tuned blag-o-meter was running on full power that day.

However, to his credit Henry is doing all this for charity. The Round-Up isn't sure if that makes it any less surreal or unusual but it at least makes it a little more worthwhile.

And from aquanauts with gadgets to astronauts with gadgets, sort of, with news that Nasa plans to arm its staff with BlackBerrys.

You can just imagine it:

"Houston, we have a problem
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless email device"

Though before you start worrying about how Nasa's finest will type on those small keyboards while wearing those big space gloves (possibly not the official term), fret not. The gadgets are only being given to engineers working on the shuttles.

"Mustn't forget to put in that screw, mustn't forget to put in that screw, mustn't forget to put in that screw...
"Ooh I've got mail...
"Now, what was I doing...?"

Ronald Phelps, project manager in Nasa's shuttle business office, (his job really is rocket science) said the roll-out will save its engineers some serious shoe leather.

"If there's something that they need to see they can get access to it by the BlackBerry. Right now, to get information, they have to go back to their PCs."

So these people can send men into space... but they deem walking a few metres to their PC a crazy journey of impractical distance. It's all relative.

And any engineers able to liberate some Nasa memorabilia might like to consider eBay as an outlet for their ill-gotten goodies. It's currently a scam which seems to be subsidising the lifestyles of a number of workers within the UK's National Health Service.

Defibrillators, uniforms and even neck braces are among the items that were found on the internet auction site by the NHS Counter Fraud and Security Management Service (CFSMS).

The Round-Up is at a loss to imagine just who would buy such items (OK the uniforms we can work out, you kinky devils) but perhaps defibrillators make a great self jump-start unit for cars... or perhaps they just make for a great practical joke.

Neck braces though, that's just weird.

The CFSMS is currently investigating eight paramedics over the thefts while it says seven others have already been 'dealt with'... which sounds frankly sinister but rather relates to the fact six have been cautioned by the police and disciplined by their employers while one other has been sentenced to 100 hours community service.

Michael Crockford, who later resigned his position (note: was NOT sacked), stole items such as resuscitation packs, neck collars and pocket masks.

Now the Round-Up isn't one of the hang 'em and flog 'em brigade but that sounds mighty lenient. The fact that any of them escaped with just a warning sounds soft in the extreme. Surely this could be life or death...

"Cardiac arrest... get the defibrillators..."
"Sorry mate, I sold them on eBay..."
"Oh fair enough."

And then there's the question of 100 hours of community service for a paramedic who was wantonly stealing from and defrauding the NHS. What are they going to make this criminal do? Drive an ambulance perhaps?

A spokesman for the CFSMS said: "Any theft is a menace to the NHS but the danger of activity such as this is obvious."

(Now, a quick aside. In the course of conducting some online research into penetration testing and ethical hacking this week, one member of the silicon.com team stumbled across a gentleman called Phil Cracknell, CTO of a company called netSurity, who is one of the best look-alikes in the IT industry. Ever!

Look at Phil's picture as it appears on the netSurity website.

The Round-Up knows what you're thinking: "Zut Alors! C'est French actor extraordinaire Gérard Depardieu, non?"

If you can better that with a techie colleague or associate who looks even more like a famous person then email editorial@silicon.com because we certainly want to hear from you.)

And finally, this weekend sees the staging of the 457th FA Cup Final and about the umpteenth to be contested by Arsenal and Manchester United (or the Manchester Soccerhawks as they will probably soon be known under the ownership of the gnomish US sports tycoon Malcolm Glazer, who has already disenfranchised the population of Guildford and much of the South East of England by buying their favourite football team.)

Those of you with an interest in the match will doubtless be glued to your television sets but many around the world will also be watching online thanks to the wonders of the internet.

Last year the Round-Up had to find a bar in Nevada which was open at 7am and showing live English 'soccer' in order to watch the final... it wasn't easy but thanks to everybody at the highly authentic 'Rose and Crown English Pub'.

In that instance a convenient streamed broadcast on the internet, watched on a laptop in the hotel room would have been a less troublesome, cheaper and more sober option. Albeit also a less sociable one.

But it turns out that broadcasting such programs live on the internet, without a licence to do so is actually illegal!

Get out of town!

Now the Premier League is getting tough on those who provide these streams and is contemplating making an example of them. It's likely the crackdown if successful would stretch to other competitions.

So if you're watching the big game on the internet tomorrow, enjoy it - it could be your last.

Until next week, here's some news: