The Weekly Round-Up: 16.09.05

"Oh, you work for Microsoft, you must be able to fix my computer then... "

Apparently that line haunts the daily lives of Microsoft employees as friends and family all try to pick their brains and take advantage of their time to sort out their home computer problems.

Most of these people asking them for help clearly don't realise the problem they have is probably down to Microsoft in the first place and, as such, asking their friend or family member to sort it out is a little like asking a manager at McDonalds if they 'Know anywhere nice to eat around here?' or a Coca-Cola exec if they can recommend anything for sensitive teeth.

However, to give Microsoft its due, the company has come up with a clever system for easing its employees' woes and enabling them to go out to dinner parties again, knowing they won't spend the whole night listening to other people's muffled laughter from the study as they reinstall Jack and Jenny's Windows XP home edition, before nipping down the road to Peter and Helen's at number 36 who had exactly the same problem with Peter's laptop.

We now hear that Microsoft employees are being given a book of vouchers which they can hand out to enquiring friends and relatives, who in turn can redeem the vouchers against a visit from a Microsoft certified engineer.

It's the classic 'No but I know a man who can' defence. And you can't put a price on that kind of liberation.

The Round-Up thinks it's actually a pretty impressive bit of thinking from Microsoft but has also noticed that it could be seen as a fairly cunning staff-retention scheme.

You can picture the conundrum:

"I've had this great job offer from Google but I know if I leave Microsoft I'll have to go back to doing tech support for all my friends and family... I guess I'll just stay at Microsoft."

However, the Round-Up being the clear-minded idealist it is, is willing to believe that beneficial side-effect never really crossed the minds of the benevolent folk at Microsoft, beyond seeing all staff perks as a step towards greater retention.

(Though if Steve Ballmer can retain staff like he retains water, he's laughing.)

And speaking of Ballmer and his good friend Bill Gates, the pair of them were working hard this week to promote the launch of Windows Office 12. (If they haven't reinstated 'Clippy' the paperclip then the Round-Up just isn't interested.)

But while Bill and Steve were 'bigging-up' their latest release, their long time rival Larry Ellison wasn't exactly sitting on his hands watching life pass him by.

Far from it. The Oracle boss and long time redeemer of dull tech exec stereotypes was counting out the cash that would allow him to buy CRM dinosaur Siebel.

This follows the situation last year when Larry admitted that Tom Siebel, then CEO of his eponymous firm, had knocked on the door and asked him if he fancied buying his company off him.

"No but I'll buy some of those tea towels and 80 clothes pegs off you please," the Round-Up wishes was Larry's response to this door-stepping tinker.

Certainly it sounded like a tall tale at the time but a year later Larry has lent more than a little legitimacy to the story.

About $5.8bn-worth of legitimacy.

And it wasn't just Flash Larry splashing the cash over the past five days, oh no.

The Round-Up this week joined the tens of thousands of people who have already stumped up £9.99 to download the second 'Help' album in aid of the War Child charity. The second album follows the first (as is often the case) which was released - good Lord was it really 10 years ago - in 1995.

In those days it was all far less high-tech, course. For those it passed by at the time, the idea was to get the a dozen or so bands together in a studio and record a compilation album in less than 24 hours and then get it out into the shops within a matter of days.

Now the War Child charity has gone all high-tech and has embraced this whole interweb malarkey, making the album available online before it even hits the shops next Monday.

It's a great charity and it's an OK album, the Round-Up would give it three stars out of five... (there, that's the in-depth, track-by-track review out of the way then)... but there is a problem with it.

The Damien Rice track is pretty poor.

"We could have told you that," would understandably be the reply of anybody opposed to whiney middle-class, over-romanticised faux-angst (or 'music fans' as they are also known) but you see it isn't actually that Damien Rice simply isn't very good - it's actually a problem with the quality of the recording.

An email from 7Digital, the company behind the online release, read: "After recording and releasing an album in such a short period of time we have since noticed that the sound quality on Damien Rice's Cross-eyed Bear isn't what it should be."

"Fair enough," thought the Round-Up, "so it's a good job I've skipped that track each time then."

But for the people who do like Damien Rice (young women who think love is a painful and impossible dream, as they are also known) this is where the wonders of music downloads really kick in.

"We've had the track remastered today and have replaced the old version in your account with the new, improved version. To collect it, please visit your account and redownload the track."

Isn't that clever, effectively editing the album after its release? You don't get that kind of flexibility with a CD.

And, what's more, as an added bonus the album comes with some pretty generous digital rights management encryption.

You pay your £9.99 for the album, download it from your account area on the War Child Music website and can do so three times on three different computers, as well as being able to move it onto portable devices such as your iPod.

Cynics and skinflints alike will be thinking at this point 'Excellent that means me and all my mates can split the costs, get the music and give less to charity than if we all bought it' but the Round-Up would frown on such activities, as the £9.99 fee is all for a good cause.

So get involved and do your bit for charity, even if, like the Round-Up, the thought of privileged schoolboys turned unconvincing rock stars Keane singing an Elton John track is your idea of hell.

Incredibly, it's not actually the worst song on the album. Click here to visit the War Child Music website.

(There you go War Child, you couldn't - or should that be wouldn't? - buy publicity like that.)

Diminutive 80s pop sensation Prince isn't actually featured on the Help album but if he was the Round-Up would segue into this next section by saying: "And speaking of a Sign O' The Times... "

A report out this week claimed that people nowadays would rather be sacked by videoconference than almost any other method.

Putting aside the obvious fact that people would rather not be sacked at all, this does show a shift towards new ways of working and, for that matter, stopping working.

And, although it perhaps denies the more hot-headed out there the opportunity to 'land one' on your boss as he delivers the bad news, the upside is that the aforementioned recently-ex-employee will at least be sat in front of several thousand pounds worth of audio visual equipment which would make for a very cathartic parting shot. (Assuming it's a video conferencing facility in the office and not a personal one in the home, which would be very silly and reminds the Round-Up of the family - excuse me if you've heard this one before - who rented a video to watch at home and hated it so much they slashed the seats.)

Not that the Round-Up would condone acts of violence or vandalism in any way... a subtle spilling of coffee into the machine would be far more sensible and far easier to pass off as an accident.

However, the majority of respondents to the survey, funnily enough conducted by a videoconferencing specialist called Masergy (whose slogan may well be 'Too scared to sack somebody face to face? Then do it by videoconference') said getting the news face-to-face, in person, is still the preferred method for being handed your cards.

Or… you could always try getting your head down, stop taking liberties with your hours, save the inappropriate banter for the pub, put all that stationery back where you found it and hopefully you won't even have to think about where or how you want to get the sack.

And speaking of people not really doing their job very well, the silicon.com editorial team was surprised to receive an email this week from the National High-Tech Crime Unit which included a huge long list of recipients copied for all to see in the To: field.

In this age of evangelising the need to protect our online identities and do what we can to limit our exposure to spam and phishing, it seems a little remiss of an organisation who should be whiter than white on such matters to make such a howling error.

And speaking of irony. One of the silicon.com team returned from Finland recently perplexed as to why Nokia's predictive text doesn't recognise the word Helsinki.

It's your capital city, for Valhalla's sake. (Just to go all Old Norse on you.)

Helpinki? What or where is Helpinki?

The Round-Up has had a good look on Google Maps and can't see Helpinki anywhere. But it's amazing what you can find using it - such as the sites of all the world's most famous UFO sightings.

Thanks to the reader who sent that in, responding to our Freedom of Information Act story on UFO reports.

He points out they are categorised by date of sighting and type of UFO (five door hatchback, estate, convertible, Mars invader... that sort of thing.)

Interesting that with the exception of two sightings they should all be clustered around the most paranoid nation on earth. What are the chances?

And finally, the Round-Up would like to close by offering its congratulations to the England cricket team. We know they are keen readers.

Just not of silicon.com.

What a fantastic achievement - drinking that much alcohol and not only managing to remain just about upright but also managing to address the nation. It really was quite a remarkable feat. (Many readers thought at the start of the summer the editor here at Silicon Towers had been getting the drinks in *before* the series began, predicting an England victory in this interview with cap'n Michael Vaughan.)

And, they won the Ashes too, which was no less remarkable really.

For those of you who want to relive the moment, the BBC is offering MP3 downloads of the moment victory was announced in the final test. It's also offering a download of key moments in the contest as its team of commentators hailed Flintoff wickets and countless Pietersen fours and sixes.

Of course the Round-Up said '... for those of you who want to relive the moment', when what it really means is '... for those of you who have Australian colleagues you want to taunt with sound clips reminding them their monopoly on world cricket has come to a spectacular end'.

Until next week, read some news - or if you want some more Round-Up action, don't forget the Round-Up now has its own section on the silicon.com website with all sorts of fun things to distract you on a Friday afternoon.