The Weekly Round-Up: 20.01.06

Where to begin this week? Perhaps on some dull but worthy story, or perhaps on the one about the computer programmer, his cheating girlfriend the call centre worker and the pet parrot... decisions, decisions.

Apparently Chris Taylor, a computer programmer from Leeds, was alerted to his girlfriend's infidelity when his pet parrot, who shared their home, started to betray the name of Suzy Collins' secret 'bit on the side'.

Whenever Miss Collins' mobile phone rang the parrot would apparently call out "Hiya Gary". A phrase he had clearly heard more than once. And whenever the name "Gary" was mentioned on television the parrot would apparently make "smooching noises", according to newspaper reports.

When Taylor confronted his cheating, now-ex girlfriend, after the parrot called out "I love you Gary", she admitted the affair - funnily enough with a man called Gary - and she agreed to move out.

However, Taylor, the techie tragic-hero of the piece, was also forced to give up his pet parrot who refused to stop tormenting him with the name of the man his girlfriend had entertained in his own home.

"I wasn't sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, but it really broke my heart to let Ziggy go," said Taylor.

A superb put-down, we're sure you'd agree, but at this point the Round-Up began to get a little suspicious of this story, not least of all because there are surely only three people who could have tipped off the world's press on this story - and one of them could only say "Gary" and make smooching noises.

The story, as the Round-Up is sure you've already noted, is also remarkably similar to the Manciple's Tale in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, in which the wife of Phoebus Apollo is betrayed by the squawking of his pet crow after she takes a lover.

So do computer programmers or call centre workers read Chaucer, is the question?

The only real differences in fact are the whole crow/parrot thing and the fact that Phoebus Apollo killed his other half in Chaucer's version.

All that happened to Taylor's other half is she developed a sense of pathos.

"I'm surprised to hear he got rid of the bloody bird, he spent more time talking to it than he did to me," she is reported as saying.

Other aspects of this story which troubled the Round-Up a little include a nagging question: who really buys a grey parrot?

Isn't it a little like going to the 1001 Flavours ice cream shop and asking for vanilla? There's nothing wrong with vanilla of course - it's a fine flavour - but it would seem a churlish selection at an emporium offering such diverse choice.

And the same must be true of parrots, you would have thought.

"Oh, do I get the bright blue and gold parrot, or this wonderful iridescent red one... or... hang on, wow! What about that grey one... ?"

However, apparently Taylor may have been swayed by the fact the African Grey is among the best talkers in the parrot family.

And let's face it; that really worked out for him.

Should we suppose that even now there is an advert in Loot: "Grey parrot, good talker, seeks new home. Would really suit somebody called Gary"?

Poor Ziggy. Nobody ever thinks of the parrots.

And speaking of birds, one high-tech CEO has spoken out this past week about the great impact avian flu may have on his sales.

Dell CEO Kevin Rollins, who also said SARS proved a major money-spinner for Dell, said the good times may be about to roll once more, because: "We deliver to homes. People don't have to come to stores."

And let's face it, when it's all gone '28 Days Later' out on the streets we'll also be buying everything else online. So anybody without a computer already should ignore the fact this latest 'end of the world' pandemic has still claimed fewer victims than the number of people who die falling down their own stairs in the UK each year and buy themselves a computer (from Dell, they'd suggest) and starting buying canned food online.

You have been warned.

And speaking of Dell, one member of the silicon.com team met up with the company's new UK head this week and rather wisely, Josh Claman, who has been in his role for a shorter time than his CEO, saw the value in not being drawn on the whole 'bird flu' question, choosing to exercise his judgment rather than his jaw.

However, as well as dealing with the question of whether Dell is about to get into bed with AMD, and summing up the likelihood of the company bringing out 'no frills' laptops (zero chance apparently), he also offered an interesting insight into both irony and liberties (of the 'you are taking...' variety).

Claman described one visit to his GP when he was called in to see the doctor, only to be presented with a broken computer and asked for advice on how to fix it.

So that's most definitely a liberty - 'but where's the irony?', the Round-Up hears you ask.

Well the Round-Up would have thought if anybody would appreciate the importance of trying to leave your job 'in the office' it would be a doctor. As much as they doubtless dislike being presented with mystery ailments by dinner party guests hoping for a quick consultation on their nights off, so they should respect the fact those working in technology perhaps don't want to be quizzed about it when they are 'out of school'.

In fact, addressing that very issue, Claman admitted he has a tactic for avoiding such social awkwardness.

"At dinner parties I say I'm a dermatologist," said Claman. "But even that's backfired before and I've had people coming up to me and showing me a nasty rash."

To be fair, he didn't say he had a "good" tactic but if anything's going to make you admit you work in computers, not to mention put you off your prawn cocktail, that's got to be it.

Of course working in technology is no guarantee that you know how to look after it. Take Steve Wozniak for example, the co-founder of a very large tech company who the Round-Up promised not to mention this week.

The Round-Up listened to a podcast of an interview with Wozniak this week, which was the dullest interview ever recorded, bar none - though it did contain a tiny gem of information.

However, the general advice would be, if you ever hear a discussion which begins with the interviewer saying, "I know you're really into getting special phone numbers... " then run for the hills, because what came next would send a hummingbird on speed to sleep.

"255 6666 was my first repeating digit phone number and over the years I've tried to collect more and more repeating digit numbers and I could always get up to six digits the same, 999 66999 I had, and that's six nines. But I could never get seven... "

At this point the Round-Up was praying for a quick, painless death as Wozniak went on, and on, and on about his all time favourite phone numbers and his dream phone number.

It was like playing bingo with Rainman.

Eventually the interviewer cut in with the least sincere faux-chuckle ever heard, and said: "Great, thanks for that story, that's awesome... "

No it wasn't. It was awful. Close but very different in meaning.

However, Wozniak did then admit to breaking one mobile phone handset by running over it with a Segway (...those now apparently forgotten stand-up-and-ride motorised scooters.) Though shame on the interviewer who let this one interesting detail pass uncommented upon, like a drowning man eschewing a life ring.

But hats off to the company providing the podcast, which spelled the device 'Segue', as in to move from one thing to another...

As the Round-Up is about to do now.

Though, speaking loosely of mobile phones, we all by now should know it is against the law to drive while talking on a handheld mobile phone.

Whether many people actually care is another matter, however, such as the idiot in the silver L-reg Mercedes who cruised through a red light and cut across the oncoming traffic outside Silicon Towers on Tuesday because he was too busy talking on his phone.

But while people such as that driver should rightly be castigated for their crass, dangerous and selfish behaviour, there is a point where we can be a little too sensitive about this issue.

Take the Advertising Standards Authority for example (of whom the Round-Up will generally not hear a bad word since the whole Crazy Frog victory). This week however those sometime-arbiters of common sense at the ASA had something of a 'mare when they upheld complaints about a T-Mobile advert which received complaints over its apparent encouragement to drive dangerously and use a mobile phone.

(And before the 'not me, I'm alright Jack' brigade write in with their 'what-ifs' and 'ah-buts'; yes, it is more dangerous. Like juggling knives, doing anything which is safer with two hands and undivided attention is more dangerous if tackled one-handed while holding down a conversation. That's a fact.)

The controversial ad in question showed a woman in her car with a glove-box stuffed full of office equipment and other workplace essentials including a pot plant and her BlackBerry, as part of T-Mobiles 'Work where you work best' campaign. The idea being that people can now take their office anywhere, you see?.

While the woman was not using any of the devices, the ASA upheld complaints which claimed it wasn't a major leap to assume this woman might do so at some point and that the inference therefore was that T-Mobile was encouraging drivers to break the law and use their BlackBerrys behind the wheel.

It's tenuous at best.

But perhaps T-Mobile should ready itself for legal action from customers who saw other ads in the range and did things such as put their computer in their fridge, as depicted in one ad.

"But T-Mobile told me to do it... "

Incredibly, in this day and age the plaintiff might just win.

And finally, back to matters of a mildly medical nature, curio of the week has to be a kidney stone which had to be surgically removed from its previous owner, former Star Trek actor William Shatner, and which went for a small fortune this week.

Shatner sold the apparently sizeable lump (ouch) to GoldenPalace.com for $25,000 and is donating the money to a homeless charity. The one-time Captain Kirk said the stone was so impressive "you'd want to wear it on your finger".

No, you really wouldn't.

Watchers of sales of curious lots and internet auctions may of course recognise the name GoldenPalace.com, as the company has become a collector of some of the world's weirdest lots and items.

Most famous of all their purchases was the toasted cheese sandwich which appeared to have the face of the Virgin Mary, bought from eBay for $28,000 in November 2004 (read some Round-Up gold).

"This is a bold new addition to our fleet," said Richard Rowe, CEO of GoldenPalace.com, alluding with a cheesiness probably unrivalled even by the year-old toasted sandwich.

"Bold", "fleet"... get it?

And finally, finally, there's one more nugget of news the Round-Up wanted to share... This week silicon.com was nominated for a Work Foundation WorkWorld Media award – the 'best online media' award no less. And guess what?

We only bloody went and won it!

The award, handed out at a ceremony in central London last night by the BBC's former political editor Andrew Marr, was for excellence in business journalism and silicon.com was praised by the judges for being "a perfect example of the way the internet should be used and showing a great range of delivery media".

So thank you to the Work Foundation and most importantly thank you to you, our readers, for giving us an audience to write for and for your feedback and support over the years.

Until next week, look after yourselves and read some of our award winning articles...

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