The Weekly Round-Up: 12.05.06

How are you feeling dear reader?

Hopefully you're in good health.

The Round-Up asks, naturally, because it cares about you - and not because having no readers means no Round-Up and no pay, which means no fast cars and no fancy holidays.

You see, it seems this whole 'work' thing can be bad for you - especially if you work while sitting at a desk as many of us do. Once again the spectre of deep vein thrombosis related to working in offices raised its ugly head this week, said the Round-Up, starting on a cheery note. (Next week: resurgent tuberculosis and the dangers of mumps in adulthood.)

A freelance computer programmer this week hit the headlines after reporting that he had developed a DVT while sat at his PC putting in an eight-hour shift. And with many in the tech industry likely to put in similar lengths of uninterrupted 'screen time' it's a tale you'd be wise to pay attention to.

And you thought it was just those long-haul flights that could prove treacherous (or at least that's the Round-Up's excuse for downing medicinal quantities of red wine on any flight).

It probably doesn’t help that the first thing many techies do when they stop working at their PC is start playing at the self-same PC. (Perhaps a flight simulator which would mean DVT makes for a far more realistic long-haul simulation.)

But all of us who work at desks should be cautious.

So what are you waiting for? Stand up, stretch your legs, have a walk about... shake it out a bit...

... once you've finished reading this week's Round-Up, of course. Or at least print it off and take it with you as you stroll.

The first Chris Simmons knew of the problem was when he collapsed at his desk in terrible pain - which is a fair sign that something is amiss.

Part of the DVT which had formed in his leg broke off and made its way up to his lungs and left Simmons in excruciating pain, coughing up blood (apologies to anybody reading this while eating lunch).

Simmons, 42, told the BBC: "People are definitely not aware of the risks of developing DVT… I would urge everyone who works in a desk-bound job to try and do a few simple stretching exercises that can help to minimise the risk."

So please bear this in mind - the Round-Up really doesn’t want to lose any of you.

Now, from coughing-up blood to some recent goings on at NTL which have also left a bad taste in the mouth.

The cable giant announced it will be laying off around a third of its workforce, following its merger with Telewest, with a number of jobs being outsourced in the process.

Controversially, in some people's minds, many of the layoffs are on the Telewest side of the business, including jobs in customer services. This is, of course, all the more perplexing given the fact Telewest has been widely held up as a company with high levels of customer satisfaction in the past while NTL, well, hasn't, to put it mildly.

In fact customer satisfaction at NTL has been something of a perennial joke - if not an oxymoron - ever since one customer went public with a hugely derisive letter he penned to the organisation in 2001, flagging up an "inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions".

Other than that, though, he said they were performing admirably.

OK, he didn't, he actually added they were a "useless shower of bastards" and you can read his full letter here.

But we digress. NTL set up a conference call with the media to discuss the layoffs and wider corporate progress in detail earlier this week. They're in the telecoms business. Even they couldn't mess up a conference call, right?

Wrong, of course. So gloriously wrong in fact.

The silicon.com team members who tried to dial in to the conference call's UK number were met with an engaged tone, while attempts to dial in via the US number directed one of them to somebody's personal voicemail.

That's one way of getting around having to answer any tricky questions from the press.

Also showing staff the door of late has been Sir Alan Sugar whose latest run of the TV show The Apprentice finished this week with - the Round-Up is told - its exciting climax.

The final came down to a straight choice between two female contestants. Apparently there was little to choose between them but given reality TV is about as shallow as a tinker's bath the Round-Up can't help thinking there was one very TV-friendly difference between the two, which made the eventual - or should that be inevitable - winner stand out from the unlucky loser.

But what does the Round-Up know?

The winner, Michelle Dewberry, was a telecoms consultant in her role prior to becoming Sugar's hired help. In that position she was responsible for engineering the offshoring of jobs to India.

Now she will be charged with running a PC recycling business for Amstrad.

For those of you wondering just what else it is that Amstrad does these days that qualifies Sugar to hire and fire with such authority it seems that, after mixed results as a seller of PCs and home email devices, the company may have struck gold with an animatronic version of Sir Alan Sugar's face which recites cliché-laden spiel.

When activated the 'executive' toy says things like: "Never, never underestimate me. I don't like liars, I don't like cheats, I don't like bullsh*tters and I don't like schmoozers and if I ever came across any of them working for me, I'd tell them... "

... wait for it...

At this point an animatronic arm comes out of a little door, with a pointing finger, as Alan's face says: "You're fired!"

Don't believe us? Check it out for yourself, though, cashing in on the success of the show in a remarkably untimely fashion, you'll not be able to buy it until November this year... should you want to.

It seems in an attempt to remain in the spotlight, Sugar is actually prepared to see himself cast as a poor man's Big Mouth Billy Bass - if you remember the animatronic singing fish of that name which became something of a sensation a few years back before everybody realised it really wasn't funny.

In the course of its research into the previous paragraph (that's right - incredibly the Round-Up does actually research some of this stuff) it unearthed this little gem - an electronic boffin who used the 'too much time he had on his hands' to hack the Billy Bass and reprogram it to say all manner of things - such as this famous political gem from Bill Clinton.

And talking of not having 'sexual relations' with, well, anybody, silicon.com received a Reader Comment this week in response to a story we ran some months ago and covered in the Round-Up at the time which was the suggestion that online dating site Match.com was allegedly employing ringers to arrange fake dates.

Our reader is in no doubt and suggests there are also a lot of fake profiles on there, not belonging to any real users because she's contacted most of them and hasn't had a sniff of interest.

"I have been on Match.com and must have sent 1,000 winks and 100 emails and all I get back are pigs."

Irrefutable proof that the system is rigged? Maybe.

While not wishing to contemplate any other reason why the beautiful people may not be replying, she adds she's far from porcine herself and, as such, can't understand why she wouldn't get more replies... it certainly couldn't be because of a lack of personality or humanity assuming even one ounce of the character that came through in her Reader Comment was expressed in her own online profile.

And still loosely on the subject of looks, first impressions and incompatibility, Apple has this past week unveiled a new advertising campaign which once again pits the cool and ever-so-'street' Apple Mac against the stuffy, buttoned-up and deeply unsexy PC.

The roles of the Mac and the PC are played by actors, one who appears mid-thirties but tragically old before his time, out of shape and dressed in an ill-fitting suit and specs. The other boasts designer stubble, wears a hoodie and clings to his youth with effortless cool.

Can you guess which is which?

That's right because Apple users are all cool and PC users are all middle management drones.

The adverts don't really deliver much value beyond this slightly tired message which Apple has banged on about for some time now but they are very well produced and even... dare we say it... genuinely funny in the way they exploit the low-hanging fruit of such an argument.

For example, upon discussing the iLife media tools which come bundled on the Mac, the PC responds:

PC: "I have some very cool apps which are bundled with me."
Mac: "Like what have you got?"
PC: "Calculator."
Mac: "That's cool... anything else."
PC: "Clock."
Mac: "Sounds like hours of fun... or at least minutes."

That particular advert - one of six Apple has produced - is most notable for the perfection with which the director has captured the unique way suited middle managers dance, as the PC moves (roughly) in time to the "slow jams" he's listening to on his iPod.

Note also the stereotypical utility belt complete with pager, mobile phone and iPod all clipped to it... and perhaps also note the sheer coincidence that the actor playing the PC looks like a slightly chubby (or should that be bloated) Bill Gates.

Check them out here, starting with one in which the unfortunate PC has been struck down with a virus.

And finally, if you've half an ear for modern culture you may share the same nagging suspicion the Round-Up harbours that many modern musicians/songwriters/glorified karaoke singers are really starting to run out of original ideas.

But fear not because this week the Round-Up came across a tune from a rapper called MC Plus+, which is presumably not his real name... says 'The Round-Up'.

MC Plus+, whoever he may be (frankly the Round-Up didn't rate his likelihood of achieving fame highly enough to look him up), has recorded a rap - with a capital 'C' - about data encryption.

That's right, data encryption.

Not for this rapper the tired old subject matter of gang feuds, Uzis and bitches, washed down with some Cristal and a fat blunt (the Round-Up is soooo Street). He decided to rap about encryption standards, data protection legislation and even industry players such as RSA Security and Bruce Schneier, CTO of Counterpane.

Seriously, the Round-Up couldn't make this up if it wanted to.

"Random numbers ain't easy to produce," begins one line in the rap.
"Do it wrong and your key I'll deduce..."

So there's still an undertone of threat there. Admittedly it's not quite 'I'll put a cap in yo ass' but even so, nobody wants to have their encryption key deduced.

And MC Plus+ is really into this stuff...

"Cause I'm encrypting sh*t like every single day,
Sending data 'cross a network in a safe way,
Protecting messages to make my pay,
If you hack me you're guilty under DMCA."

Wise words indeed - assuming he didn't mean he actually encrypts excrement, in which case 'mucky boy, go wash your hands'.

Perhaps the real genius comes towards the end of the rap. While other hip-hop stars have mused about what change in circumstances may be required to get out of the ghetto, MC Plus+ is in no doubts: learn cryptography.

"If we could factor large composites in poly time,
We'd have enough money to not have to rhyme..."

And the Round-Up tends to think MC Plus+'s retirement would be no bad thing.

Until next week - keep it real. Peace out.

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