The Weekly Round-Up: 25.08.06

The Round-Up's favourite statistic of the week is undoubtedly the number of bananas that supermarket giant Tesco has sold online this year.

In the first seven months of 2006 Tesco shifted a hugely impressive 11 million bananas over the internet.

That's about 1,650 tons of bananas... or laid end to end, a line of bananas that would stretch 1,375 miles in length - or far enough to connect London to Russia or even large parts of North Africa - perhaps in a devilish attempt to lure some great apes out of the continent by encouraging them to follow this fruitiest of yellow brick roads.

In fact... did you know (of course you didn't) it would take an average male gorilla a shocking 91,700 days to eat 11 million bananas - which, given the gorilla's life expectancy of around 50 years (which may or not be shortened or increased by such prolific banana consumption), suggests he would have to enlist the help of some friends, not least of all because they would go off long before then.

In short, we eat a lot of bananas.

And this in turn may go some way to explain why Tesco's other product that sells by the boat load is toilet paper. The supermarket's best-selling item in fact this year is a 12-pack of luxury soft toilet tissue - racking up £2.5m in sales - which works out as 628,140 packs or 7,537,688 toilet rolls - or more than 1.7 billion sheets of toilet paper.

Or 143,922 miles of toilet paper, which would be enough to wrap around the earth more than five times at the equator (though the Round-Up accepts the seas and oceans would likely jeopardise the integrity of the tissue and therefore the statistic).

In short, Tesco sells a lot of toilet roll.

In fact the supermarket giant sells a lot of everything and is now by far the dominant player in the UK online grocery industry with a 66 per cent market share, suggesting its ads - which employ a veritable who's who of British light entertainment - might just be working.

In second place is Asda with a relatively paltry 16 per cent of the market and very little insight into its banana and loo roll revenues provided by comScore, who compiled these stats.

Sainsbury's meanwhile was a close third on 14 per cent.

Of course one of the great benefits of shopping online is that you don't have to leave the house, which would be good news for a new breed of problem teenager - the addicted gamer.

The problem of addiction to internet games in China has become so great that a shelter has been opened for teens who are endangering their health by playing endless hours of computer games online.

It sounds ridiculous (and let's face it, it is) but there have already been examples of serious illness and even death due to teens depriving themselves of food, drink and water due to their marathon stints of screen time. Which is all starting to sound like the plot of a bleak science fiction film.

Wang Hui, the shelter's chief social worker, told The Shanghai Daily: "None of the teenagers are forced to come here. We wander around in nearby internet bars at night and bring them to the halfway house if the teen agrees."

Another group spending considerably less time online these days would appear to be the 419 scammers who are showing some signs of job fatigue.

silicon.com's editorial mail bag still receives dozens of these mails per day but we've noticed the stories are getting shorter. No more do we hear an elaborate tale of untold fortunes which need to be spirited out of an oppressive West African country following the death of a major authority figure.

Gone are the lengthy descriptions of how speed and secrecy will be paramount or the improbably explanation as to why the recipient has been chosen for their great character and honest good heart.

No more do we hear that a foreign bank account will be needed to launder the funds or any suggestion there are spoils of this dodgy deal to be enjoyed by the dupe.

Of course there are still a few classics but more and more we see emails like this:

"Dear Sir,
I have offer to make you involving a great sum of money. Please email me back."

That's just lazy. Where's the creativity? Where's the style?

You just don't see the same level of craftsmanship going into these scams anymore.

It paints a picture of lone scammers in Nigeria sitting forlorn at their keyboards thinking 'nobody believes this crap any more, nobody ever replies - or if they do they're generally being offensive or leading me on a wild goose chase - so why should I put in the effort? Sod 'em!' before rattling off a one-line email resembling the one above.

Could it be the days of the 419 scam are numbered?

We can only hope.

Another online menace is the unwitting exposure of children to adult content.

This is why many people sat up and took notice when news broke this week that the Advertising Standards Authority had censured the Home Office over a radio ad which, it is alleged, confused listeners and sent many to a site promoting pornography.

To make matters worse the ads were intended to inform children about a website that offers advice on how to stay safe online.

Oh the irony. But in truth there was more to this than met the eye (... not least of all the fact that what met the eye was most certainly not porn... not wishing to sound like an authority on such matters).

The radio ad promoted a website called ThinkuKnow.co.uk but the good - if obviously slightly stupid - folk at the Home Office didn't think to point out they'd gone all 'street' in attempting to communicate with the 'yoof' and were using 'u' instead of 'you'.

As such, listeners less attuned to 'street culture' than the Home Office (which pretty much just leaves RE teachers and the trainspotting fraternity) found themselves on another altogether different website - ThinkYouKnow.co.uk.

But this other site is far from pornographic. In fact it's a pretty standard parking site with dozens of links to other websites and services. Granted if you follow a few clicks and go looking for adult content you can eventually find it (hey, research is tough) but in that regard it's no more pornographic than Google and the Home Office no more guilty for exposing kids to porn than the next man (assuming the next man isn't any one of a number of disgraced former pop stars).

What the ASA should have censured the Home Office for is being incredibly stupid and not realising the potential for confusion or the fact SMS-style abbreviations don't really work on radio.

This shouldn't deter the government from embracing modern technology such as the internet (or even the radio, which probably still strikes some of those sitting in the Lords as new-fangled).

And some bright sparks in Whitehall this week had the great idea of putting public service videos on YouTube, whose viewers are probably slightly more accustomed to clips showing how you can make a bottle of Diet Coke blow up by simply adding Mentos.

But what harm can it do?

Granted the two clips available to view currently are, as televisual treats go, about as disappointing as making it home in time for The Simpsons only to discover they've replaced it with footage from a state funeral, interrupted only by Halifax adverts with Howard the singing Brummie but it at least shows the government is waking up to the idea that people want all media and all information in a format they understand and are happy with.

Moving on, it seems the Round-Up's days might be numbered, ladies and gentlemen.

It's sad news indeed but a report on the BBC this week suggests boffins have created a piece of software that can automatically generate jokes. Worse still they are rubbish jokes, which really is a case of trampling all over the Round-Up's stock in trade.

For example:
What do you call a strange rabbit? A funny bunny.

Laugh? The Round-Up almost had an accident.

Or what about:
What do you call an artist who is a minister? A pastor master.

Stop it. No really.

But before the Round-Up gets too cynical it's worth noting the software is intended to help mute children using computerised speech aids to make jokes and use puns... because they don't have enough problems already, now they're being given a rubbish sense of humour as well.

The whole thing may have come too late for Professor Steven Hawkins who instead has made do over the years with a bow tie which spins around and a flower that shoots water in order to get his laughs.

What do you mean you want another joke? OK then:
What do you call a frog road? A main toad.

First up the Round-Up would ask what on earth is a frog road? To which the astute reader would no doubt reply 'it's about as plausible as a 1,375 mile-long road made of bananas'.

And finally, word reaches the Round-Up, via The Sun newspaper (so it must be true), that a "Hollywood producer" has struck "a six-figure deal" with accidental hero Guy Goma, the man who appeared on BBC News 24 this year in a classic case of mistaken identity.

For those of you living in a cave for the past six months, Goma was sat in the BBC waiting room expecting a job interview when a researcher called him up to another type of interview, thinking he was another Guy - namely IT journo Guy Kewney - who was elsewhere in the BBC expecting to go in front of the camera and talk about Apple. Then much hilarity ensued when the wrong Guy went in front of the cameras. Oh how we all chuckled as the confused African gurned and squirmed in his seat as he realised he was live on television being interviewed on a subject he knew nothing about.

And now some LA bright spark, producer Alison Rosenzweig, has apparently decided the three-minute blunder and ensuing fame for Goma could be the basis of a great comedy movie.

Rosenzweig's past credits include Windtalkers with Christian Slater and Nicholas Cage.

All of which A-list shoulder-rubbing invites the inevitable question as to who will play Goma. He himself has expressed a preference for soul star James Brown to take the part - suggesting Goma knows as much about acting and casting as he does about Apple and digital music.

"He's my all-time favourite," the 38-year-old West African said of the 73-year-old Godfather of Soul whose big screen acting credits are limited to a cameo appearance in Rocky IV and The Blues Brothers.

The other Guy - Kewney - meanwhile, positively salivating at the prospect of another venture into the media spotlight and attempting to piggy-back on the fame of Goma has started posting comments online suggesting who might play him in this film... like anybody cares.

'What about Ving Rhames?' he suggests, still labouring the point that, would-you-credit-it, he isn't really a big black guy (... or a big black Guy for that matter). Oh what a laugh.

'What about Richard Stilgoe?' suggests the Round-Up who has only ever seen Kewney once but seems to remember that might fit the bill.

Until next time, mind how you go - remember there are 11 million discarded banana skins somewhere out there…

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