The Weekly Round-Up: 17.11.06

News broke this week which briefly left the Round-Up genuinely speechless and torn by a terrible conundrum.

Are men who get their mobile phones out and put them on the table in an attempt to impress women the very zenith of human underachievement? Or does that accolade go to any woman who may apparently fall for this modern peacockery?

The Round-Up asks because research from Sheffield Hallam University has revealed that 21st century men may well be trying this very tactic in an attempt to meet the fairer sex.

Putting aside the suspicion that Sheffield Hallam has given up any hopes of shedding the 'former poly' slur levelled by practitioners of red-brick snobbery, Dr Simeon Yates revealed he has discovered that men might fiddle with mobiles because they don't have handbags to put them in and that phones can also act as a conversation piece with friends and colleagues.

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However, Yates added that the men leaving their mobiles on display "could just be showing off".

"Could just be"? That's money well spent on that almost conclusion.

The Round-Up confesses the only time it uses its mobile as a social crutch is while waiting alone in a bar to effect the behavioural patterns of somebody making it clear: "What me? No I'm not on my own… I'm waiting for other people who may well have just left a message to say they're running late. You just watch, in a minute or two I'll be surrounded by beautiful people."

Of course the Round-Up is on its own really… but they don't have to know that.

This 'research' [cough] did also unearth the revelation that both men and women will attempt to maintain face by screening their phone calls.

Stop the presses.

Women will check they aren't about to be thrust into an intimate call while in an inappropriate setting - such as out with the girls - while men will screen calls from their mothers while surrounded by a group of mates to avoid those awkward "yes of course I'm wearing clean pants" moments. (For our US readers, "pants" in this context actually denotes 'undercrackers' or 'Reg Grundies'.)

Apparently women also send text messages to one another which are twice as long as messages sent between men. Women chattier than men?

Hold the front page.

The two-year study - that's right, it took two years - observed men and women in various public locations including restaurants, bars and coffee shops…

At least when one of the silicon.com team hangs out in pubs in the name of 'research' (glug glug), he only takes half a day over it and fesses up immediately. And to his occasional credit the findings of a recent investigation exposed major problems with receiving wi-fi signals, not just in pubs but in any public space or office.

But that's by the by.

Now, if we're seeking a perfect point of balance between the use of high-tech gadgets and 'whip 'em off now, love' sex-appeal there is really only one person who even comes close.

And no, it's not the Round-Up.

The more keen-eyed among you may have noticed there's a new James Bond film out this week - and a new Bond to boot.

Of course, as high-tech business travellers go Bond is pretty much 'the Daddy'.

Think your BlackBerry is a bit swish? Reckon your smart phone is 'the bomb?' That's all well and good but it isn't really a bomb is it? Whereas Bond's probably is, and for all the voice and text functionality - or 3G frippery - your handset might offer it all pales alongside some of 007's gadgets.

And, when it comes to charming the very birds from the trees he's in a league of his own.

As such silicon.com has entered into the spirit of things and has an article and photo story detailing some of the master spy's best gadgets as well as discussing real-life espionage which is very much a reality in companies and offices the world over.

We've also set up a poll to lay to rest one of the world's most heated debates… who is the best James Bond?

Are you a Sean Connery purist? Or did Pierce Brosnan really do enough to convince you he was the archetypal suave British super spy? Vote here.

Perhaps you're a fan of the raised-eyebrow school of acting favoured by Roger Moore, in which case give your man some support, as at the time of writing he was even trailing Timothy 'the only Bond in the village' Dalton and George 'the one hit wonder from down under' Lazenby.

And once the results are in we can consider the findings to be indisputable fact… unless the Dalton family decide to hijack the poll.

We're not having Dalton win, there's democracy and then there's lunacy.

Of course not everybody has the panache or the style of James Bond - in fact some people are clumsy cack-handed oafs who shouldn't be trusted with a hard boiled egg, let alone fast cars, dangerous women, expensive gems or deadly weapons.

Among these people would be many of the customers of data recovery experts OnTrack who this week revealed the list of shame which details some of the most unfortunate data loss incidents they've seen this year. Think the Darwin Awards but for data.

For example, take the man who left a banana on his external hard drive for so long the piece of fruit rotted and seeped through into the machinery, rendering the drive unusable - and the banana pretty inedible.

Or then there are the countless people each year who somehow contrive to run over their computers in a car or other vehicle. The mind boggles.

To read more, click here.

Moving on, a notice issued by the UK's Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (Acas) this week warning about the perils of the forthcoming festive season landed in the Round-Up's inbox yesterday, keeping any notion of early festive cheer well and truly at bay.

"Christmas is a happy time," it begins. "Or is it? People can get overexcited and may act out of character."

Heaven forbid. Do tell us how such 'out of character' behaviour may manifest itself.

Well: "We've all heard the story about employees photocopying certain parts of their anatomy on the office photocopier. But what can an employer do about it?"

So the Round-Up now has an informative quiz for you.

We'll call it 'You are the boss'.

You see Acas has issued a number of worst case scenarios and some answers for worried bosses. It's your job to spot the correct answer in among some wrong answers thought up by the Round-Up to fox you.

Scenario 1: An employee who has clearly drunk too much at the office Christmas party is planning to drive home.

Do you:

A. Tell them to drive carefully and watch how they go.

B. Wait until you see their car pull out of the car park before phoning the police.

C. Think about travel arrangements in advance because you realise you have a duty of care and maybe end the party before public transport stops running, perhaps also providing the phone numbers for local registered cab companies and encourage employees to use them. Hiring minibuses to take staff home is another option which would probably be greatly appreciated.

Scenario 2: You want to make sure there isn't a repeat of last year when people failed to turn up for work the day after the party?

Do you:

A. Hold the party on a Friday night - that way everybody can get as out of their minds on drink as they like.

B. Cancel the party... in fact cancel Christmas altogether.

C. Make sure you provide plenty of food and non-alcoholic drinks. Before the party ensure that all staff realise that disciplinary action could be taken if they fail to turn up for work and there is reason to believe it is due to over-indulgence.

Scenario 3: An employee suffers verbal abuse about being gay at the local pub before the party.

Do you:

A. Wonder why your employee is only 'gay at the local pub'.

B. Name and shame the homophobe in the next company newsletter.

C. Make sure the company has policies in place on bullying and harassment and discrimination and that everyone knows what they are and what the penalties are for ignoring them.

Scenario 4: The Christmas party has always been a rather quiet event. However you've taken over another company this year and now have a majority of younger employees. They are used to more boisterous celebrations and you're worried age discrimination claims will be lodged.

Do you:

A. Worry that you're patronising attitude might actually be creating this culture of age discrimination before organising a whist drive.

B. Offer a prize for the two employees with the greatest age gap who manage to cop off with one another.

C. Try to ensure there is a mix of music and that any organised entertainment takes account of all ages. What you end up with may not be to everyone's taste but you can always learn from it and canvass suggestions for next year.

Scenario 5: An employee slips on a sausage roll left lying on the floor and falls to the ground, hitting their head and dying almost immediately.

Do you:

A. Find out who their Secret Santa was and compensate them according to the spending guidelines you issued to all staff.

B. Check whether they were a designated driver because you may have to arrange alternative transport for other employees.

C. Ensure that until an ambulance arrives the body is not left lying anywhere likely to trip up or otherwise endanger other members of staff, for example moving it off the dance floor.

How did you do? Mostly Cs: Have a very Acas Christmas.

… and if you're wondering, yes, the Round-Up did make up Scenario 5 and all of the answers.

And finally, by now you've learned what comes next. That's right, it's this week's caption competition. It seems for all the Round-Up's toil all you really want to do on a Friday is post captions beneath pictures of famous people in slightly strange settings, so this week we've a real treat for you to get your grey matter buzzing.

But first, to find out who won last week's competition and to read the best of the captions submitted, click here.

And if that's whet your appetite, or if you think frankly you could do much better then try your luck at this week's competition - the funniest caption wins a bottle of bubbly.

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