The Weekly Round-Up: 18.05.07

"You're the one for me, fatty," sang Morrissey all the way back in 1992, yet not everybody is quite so welcoming of the bigger-boned members of society.

But help is at hand for anybody with a little more podge than dignity - with news that you can now get a 'treadmill desk' where rather than sitting on a conventional swivel chair you keep walking or jogging the whole time you are working.

Genius.

The net effect of this (other than possibly making your office smell like a gym) is that rather than sitting at their desks all day people are able to exercise throughout it. In experiments, people were burning nearly 1,000 extra calories during a normal working day. (If your definition of 'normal working day' involves sitting next to a chubby colleague on a treadmill.)

"The sight of overweight office workers slouching down in their chairs could be a thing of the past... " noted Reuters. It would of course be replaced by the unnerving sight of people on treadmills trying to type and sweat-soaked documents landing on your desk with a faint 'splosh'.

The work was carried out by the Mayo clinic (could they be named after something more fattening?) which brought in 15 obese people to use the 'vertical workstations' rather than sitting at their desks. Compared to the more sedentary method of working - wedged into their office chairs - the subjects burned on average an extra 100 calories per hour.

And whether you're obese or not - and frankly that's your business - should you be looking for something to listen to while either working or exercising, the Round-Up would like to point you towards this week's podcast.

If you're a regular listener, you already know how good these are but for the uninitiated it's a must. Check out this week's... it descends towards the end into playground humour, includes the worst pun ever, as well as the suggestion the British army should invade Apple - not to mention some uncharacteristic swearing, which we've had to beep out, from one of the nicer members of the team - but other than that, you'll love it. (You can even subscribe in iTunes here - or pick up the XML feed here.)

Moving on, the British justice system has its critics. Judges in particular seem to come in for more than their fair share of criticism. Of course their cause hasn't been helped over the years by some among their ranks falling asleep at the bench, returning from lunch drunk or expressing opinions out of keeping with notions of fair trials without prejudice.

And in this age of cyber crime and high-tech heists the stable of aged judges stands accused of being more out of touch than ever before.

Take Peter Openshaw QC, who this week stopped proceedings at the trial of three men accused of inciting terrorism via the internet to seek clarification on some of the complex jargon being used.

"The trouble is," began Openshaw. "I don't understand the language. I don't really understand what a website is."

Following some explanation, according to Reuters, Openshaw admitted: "I haven't quite grasped the concepts."

Aware that he was also due to hear testimony from a computer expert later in the trial, Openshaw asked if the prosecution could tell its expert witness to dumb things down a little.

"Will you ask him to keep it simple," requested Openshaw. "We've got to start from basics."

However, a little tech savvy can still be found in the most unusual of places.

Take former defence chief Geoff Hoon who was interviewed in London free rag Metro this week.

Hoon took the opportunity to brand Apple iTunes a monopoly and criticise the way the proprietary download service ties in users.

What's more, he proudly boasted that the generic MP3 player he does favour includes such artistes as the Arcade Monkeys and Arctic Fire... or something like that.

The Round-Up suspects, given the ubiquity of the iPod and the ubiquity of lazy journalists asking people 'what's on your iPod?', there are now people within Westminster and wider corridors of power whose job it is to compile lists of approved music for ministers and politicos to claim they like.

"This week, ministers will mainly be 'listening to' Amy Winehouse, Coldplay, Kasabian and Lily Allen."

Of course, the potential therefore to stitch up somebody who couldn't tell a Def Leppard from an Arctic Monkey is huge.

"I love the Scissor Sisters, Cameo and Scooch..."

Who doesn't?

Speaking of the corridors of power, UK secret service MI5 is on the look out for techies.

Of course this isn't your usual run-of-the-mill desktop support or development. Techies will be working in "the heart of MI5", according to job ads posted on the MI5 website. So the Round-Up imagines some fairly sensitive data might be flying around the network.

Of course it could just be like any other tech job, just with more swipe cards and security, or it could make all your James Bond dreams come true (well possibly not the dream involving the Russian femme fatale wearing nothing but a sultry look and an ermine coat... but all your more workaday Bond dreams).

Just think, successful candidates may even be responsible for making mobile phone guns, laptops which can launch a satellite and exploding cufflinks (OK, that's not very techie but it is very MI5).

Well, either that or you'll be asked to reset civil servant's passwords and rebuild their desktops for them.

If you're interested, get yourself onto the MI5 website and in just six short months they may well get back to you. The Round-Up suspects that timescale, provided by MI5, suggests there could be a few fairly thorough background checks.

Getting your brother-in-law to write up a bogus reference would probably not be an option. Hence the Round-Up will always remain a (sometimes) humorous writer of (mostly) weekly newsletters.

However, in the outside world, away from the world of espionage and counter-espionage, it seems people are tiring of dealing with their IT helpdesk - favouring a DIY approach.

The thinking appears to be: 'Why wait an hour for somebody to come and tell you to restart your PC when you could just do it yourself?'

Of course the issue is (slightly) more complicated than that but it seems increasingly tech savvy users in the workplace (outside of the law courts that is) are ready, willing and, importantly, able to look after themselves thank you very much.

To which, speaking with one resounding voice, IT staff are saying: 'Great, that means we can get on with meeting more interesting strategic goals.'

Let's just hope their bosses see things the same way.

Because, let's not forget, there's no such thing as a job for life these days. And nowhere is this truer than in the fast-paced world of technology.

Some BT employees were reminded of this fact recently when, according to one staffer who emailed us some notes from an away day, they were given the 'if you can't stand the heat... ' speech, from chapter seven of Motivational Clichés for Middle Managers.

The exact phrase, delivered to BT employees attending an off-site in the West Midlands was: "If you don’t enjoy the bus ride then get off and go find another job."

The Round-Up's first instinct was perhaps this guy was talking about an actual bus ride. More specifically perhaps he was talking about the actual bus ride which had brought them all to the West Midlands, which does strike the Round-Up as a fairly unpleasant day trip destination. (The Round-Up awaits your replies.)

However, it seems this is all figurative, like. The 'bus ride' in question is a metaphor for their jobs at BT.

Which all sounds a little familiar. Does anybody else remember this from February 2006?

"If you are worried that it all sounds very hard, it's time for you to step off the bus. This is no longer a place for the timid."

Another bus analogy, another UK telco, another exec talking out of his base station - this time John Pluthero, chairman of Cable & Wireless.

What is it with these people and buses? It is metaphorical and they know they don't really work on a bus.

You've got to have a dream.

Now, as many people will have worked out, the Round-Up is a well-bred, high-brow sort of a person with manners so impeccable they make Mary Poppins look like Johnny Rotten.

As such, the Round-Up is aware that in polite company it is the done thing to avoid talking religion or politics.

Quite so. But that doesn't say much for the company attending this week's Government IT event in central London. Clearly they weren't polite because speaker Robin Guernier - of millennium bug fame - had no qualms about talking religion and politics, in the same sentence.

And for good measure he threw in paedophiles as well, which is a subject also regarded as taboo at many a function.

Guernier had the temerity to suggest, with so many big public sector IT failures in the headlines, the government shouting about any successes would be like the Vatican being pleased with itself because not all of its priests are paedophiles.

Ouch!

Until next time, check out that podcast and the Round-Up will be back next week with more of the same. Be good.