The Weekly Round-Up: 10.08.07

Steve here. I'm glad you guys could join me today - because I've got something pretty cool to tell you. That's right. In fact, you're not going to believe it.

It's really cool.

It's un-bel-ive-able!

And no I'm not talking about the new iMac - although that's pretty cool too, I mean who else could design a computer that looks as good as a supermodel while keeping the eco-freaks happy too (aluminum is a very desirable material for recyclers, you know)?

No, this is something so cool it'll make your iPod earbuds pop out.

So what am I talking about?

Well, wouldn't it be great if the person who was pretending to be me - the totally unfunny 'Fake Steve Jobs' - had been found out? Wouldn't it be cool, huh? Wouldn't it be nice!

Well, you know what? - god, this is SO cool! - Fake Steve has been flipped!

Boom!

Just like that! It really doesn't get any cooler - at least, not until we make the 3G iPhone (yes, you can clap now). So, pretty cool, huh? Pretty goddang neat...

Oh but there is one more thing...

... actually there are a few more things but the Round-Up is going to carefully remove its Steve Jobs five o'clock shadow, black polo neck, blue jeans and white trainers and get down and dirty in its usual garb (a white three-piece suit, Stetson, red cowboys boots and a diamond-encrusted eye-patch, if you're wondering).

So this is the week Fake Steve Jobs - or 'FSJ' - came out, albeit not of his own volition. The blogger posing as the Apple figurehead - the one who's been causing Silicon Valley to hold its collectively aching sides since last year - is in fact a senior editor at Forbes magazine called Dan Lyons.

Lyons had managed to keep the blogosphere guessing about who was behind the Jobs parody for some time - but his cunning disguise was finally penetrated by fellow 'filthy hack' (aka journalist) Brad Stone, the technology correspondent at The New York Times.

In a similar manner to another figment of the imagination - Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw - FSJ has been churning out all manner of Apple-eyed musings on men ("He's a judge. A politician. A monk. Ed, you've got more identities than Zelig"); shoes ("I can't remember what point Bill was trying to make here. Something about the market share of Zune versus iPod maybe? Well, whatever it is, I'm looking really interested... in my shoes"); and shopping ("Don't spend this entire long weekend shopping. But if you do go shopping, check out our Apple stores").

But forget the celebrity tittle-tattle and regurgitated tech gossip (not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you) - there is a much more important theme underlying Lyons' magnum opus.

Not only has he been using his adopted persona to poke fun at the real Steve Jobs' reputation for (allegedly) being a highly demanding manager, he's actually making a satirical point about the dullness of corporate blogs. Or something.

Mr Lyons, we salute your dedication to the ancient art of satire! The Dunciad has nothing on you, truly.

After finally being unmasked, Lyons bit the bullet and spoke to reporters: "I was hoping to stay anonymous for a while longer but on the other hand I knew I couldn't stay anonymous forever. It had to happen at some point," before adding slightly wistfully: "I hope that it doesn't ruin the fun of the blog that people know who's behind it."

He then donned a pair of steely specs and started pacing in iPod-sized circles before saying one more thing to the journo who outed him: "Now you've ruined the mystery of Fake Steve, robbing thousands of people around the world of their sense of childlike wonder."

Pout. Pout.

"Hope you feel good about yourself, you mangina."

So there!

Not laughing yet? Think you can do better? Then go straight to this week's Caption Competition - where you, dear readers, get to show us how funny you are. And you might even win a bottle of bubbly so don't be shy.

And a hearty congrats to Jon Morton who won last week's competition.

Moving on - but still keeping with the literary theme - sci-fi guru William Gibson has been chatting to silicon.com in an exclusive interview.

The father of cyberpunk and author of Neuromancer spoke to silicon.com's Steve Ranger about his vision of the future.

Or rather his lack of vision.

Gibson's latest book - Spook Country - is set in the recent past rather than a Bladerunner-style future dystopia of mind-altering substances, seductive hackers and hard-boiled anti-heroes. And that's because he's given up trying to predict what's around the next corner.

Gibson told silicon.com: "The trouble is there are enough crazy factors and wild cards on the table now that I can't convince myself of where a future might be in 10 to 15 years."

He added: "I think we've been in a very long, century-long period of increasingly exponential technologically-driven change. We hit a point somewhere in the mid-18th century where we started doing what we think of technology today and it started changing things for us, changing society. Since World War II it's going literally exponential and what we are experiencing now is the real vertigo of that - we have no idea at all now where we are going."

Not quite a case of writer's block then - more like a monumental cliff to which said writer is desperately clinging by holding onto the space between two slip-knots on a treacherously slippery thread of indeterminate age...

Gibson added: "Will global warming catch up with us? Is that irreparable? Will technological civilisation collapse? There seems to be some possibility of that over the next 30 or 40 years or will we do some Verner Vinge singularity trick and suddenly become capable of everything and everything will be cool and the geek rapture will arrive? That's a possibility too."

Everything is possible, as the great existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre once said, but if science fiction authors are feeling giddy about crystal-gazing then what hope for the rest of us mere mortals?

What hope indeed if a rumour of future shenanigans that has reached the Round-Up's ears comes to pass, in the biblical sense of that phrase.

Microsoft has apparently applied for a patent for a camera-like device that sits on top of a TV and is capable of detecting the presence of a person in the room.

Hmm.

So why on earth would Bill Gates want to spy on you as you relax in the private sanctuary of your living room?

Hmm!

Actually it's all to do with advertising (isn't it always). Or more targeted advertising specifically, according to the Round-Up's source. There is even talk of combining the device with a biometric sensor embedded into the TV remote control so the 'ad spy camera thingy' - or whatever it would be called - could identify exactly who is watching telly and then, presumably, bombard them with 'personally relevant' advertising.

Truly a future utopia the Round-Up has always hankered after.

Just think about it for a moment...

You're sitting on the sofa with your dream date after a wonderful evening of fine food and mind-expanding conversation. You've just finished dessert and you're about to watch a film so you pick up the remote control and flick the TV on...

'Hello there Mr Winterbottom! Still having trouble with anal fissures? How about trying the all new pile cream from AnalEaze? Get instant relief today!'

Ouch.

Still, perhaps such a device could have its uses...

If you end up taking things further with your date - if you think you could still 'perform' in front of the all-seeing Microsoft telly eye, that is - perhaps it could give a discreet reminder about safe sex...

... ehem!

But the question remains, would you trust Microsoft to oversee your love life? One word answers on the back of a postage stamp addressed to Silicon Towers please.

Oh dear. Kids today! They just don't know they're born do they? They think the world revolves around them, that mummy and daddy exist solely to fund their gadget habit and that everything they need to learn about life can be found on the internet. Tsk!

What a shock awaits them when they get into the Real World, eh readers. The Round-Up doesn't mean to sound bitter but a few days in their first proper job will soon set them straight. (The Round-Up should know - its first job involved crawling around the floor of a warehouse until its knees were red raw, picking up rusty iron filings with a magnet gripped between its teeth.)

But what's this you say? Employers are being warned they will have to indulge these spoilt teenagers if they want to keep bums on seats...

According to research commissioned by Logicalis, 81 per cent of 13 to 17 year olds want a healthy work/life balance - and many are prepared to move abroad in search of the kind of 'easy living' lifestyle they think they deserve.

Many others believe they will be able to keep using webcams and web 2.0 technologies in the office.

Well let them dream on, says grandpa Round-Up - while they can.

So that's it for another week folks...

Oh but there is one more thing...

Don't forget to tune in to the latest instalment of the Weekly Round-Up podcast - for more on Gibson's futurology as well as techies vs hairdressers in the job satisfaction stakes and a lot more besides.

Now that really is it.

Until next week... namaste!