The Weekly Round-Up: 31.08.07

If you thought that CIO just stood for 'chief information officer' then you are clearly a lunatic of the highest order and a danger to civilised society.

At least that's according to the latest silly season whitepaper from EDS to land in the silicon.com inbox. The type of whitepaper the Round-Up only covers on slow news weeks. Glacial ones to be exact. Like this one.

There are in fact eight roles the CIO needs to fulfil in order to keep his or her organisation from toppling into the abyss.

First up there's the 'chief integration officer' who works out how all the new shiny stuff links in with the dusty legacy stuff.

Then there's the 'chief innovation officer', for configuring a neat way of calculating how many staff are wasting away company time on Facebook, 'chief investigative officer', for working out how a member of staff worked a way around the system and 'chief irritation officer', for telling the person responsible to not do it again and to get on with some proper work. Damn MD.

Following up on that coterie of roles is the 'chief identity officer', partly due to the importance of identity management to the modern business but also to question why the hell they've wasted their life in corporate IT when they could have had a much more fulfilling time as a poet, painter or international playboy.

In a world of rampant malware and malicious hackers there's also a need for a 'chief inoculation officer'. Inoculation, virus, you can see what they did there. Nice.

The 'chief international officer' is there to manage the business and IT infrastructure to manage the global operation, or at least deal with the majority of the support staff based in India and Newcastle.

Even then, this is broken down into part lawyer, part technician, part politician and all businessperson. The whitepaper also says the CIO should be a mother in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Actually it doesn't, the Round-Up just wished it would.

Finally the CIO is also expected to be 'chief information officer', though the focus is on information rather than IT, which the Round-Up always thought was the whole crux of the role - to emphasise the migration from the server room to the boardroom.

Anyway, there you go: eight roles. Sadly, still just the one salary.

But EDS weren't finished there, hell no. There are also three roles the CIO needs to avoid like the plague: 'chief inertia officer', 'chief impediment officer' and 'chief inefficiency officer'.

It says here that the modern CIO needs to be a "business enabler, not a business impediment".

It then started wittering on about service oriented architecture, at which point the Round-Up gave up the ghost and so should you...

… actually the Round-Up got distracted by this week's Caption Competition - which you can check out right here, dear readers. So shake a tail feather and get clicking!

Next up, come for a trip with the Round-Up to rural Wales. No come on, it'll be lovely.

Specifically we're heading for the tiny, picturesque village of St Hilary in the Vale of Glamorgan, South Wales. Set the sat-nav and we'll be on our way.

Then again, a little local knowledge goes a long way, they say, especially when it comes to road directions. (The Round-Up fondly recalls being told by a Somerset local that the way to the pub was to "head down that road there and turn left two miles before the church". Happy days.)

A little local knowledge goes a little further in St Hilary, which is being plagued by dozens of truck drivers ploughing their behemoths up inappropriately small avenues. As a result, the village has become the first in the UK to put up signs warning drivers about the dangers of trusting their satellite navigation devices.

"This is a local road for local people. We'll have no truckers here," is the message on St Hilary's new signs. Or a least it would be if it could be represented pictorially. Apparently, foreign drivers have found it difficult to understand English phrases such as "unsuitable for heavy goods vehicles". More so when the signs are in Welsh.

The four signs have been introduced around one particular black spot in the village where sat-nav devices have directed heavy goods vehicles to an ultra-narrow road which also happens to be a shortcut between the M4 and Cardiff airport.

More than a dozen large trucks have become lodged in the narrow road in the past six months alone.

The Round-Up assumes they've since been moved. They might still be there - as a monument to the folly of technological innovation. Who knows?

Mark Simpson probably does, for he is the local traffic engineer. The road signs are his brainchild and he'll have no truck, so to speak, with the navigational gadgets.

"They can send drivers on the most direct routes which turn out to be narrow roads completely unsuitable for heavy and long trucks and lorries," said Simpson, glancing out of his window at a crazed Belgian trucker gesticulating desperately from his cab.

"Sat-nav can be a wonderful tool for drivers but it does have its dangers."

This is true. Some have reportedly sent drivers down one-way streets or up impassable mountain tracks. Whatever, ladies.

The authorities are watching the pilot scheme with interest to see if it deters European drivers from clogging up small country lanes.

Silly truckers...

Rarely does a week go by without the Round-Up mentioning Facebook - and this week is no exception.

Now a trade union is up in arms over plans to restrict access to the social networking site in the office.

Companies must introduce policies on the use of social networking sites to avoid staff getting confused about what they can and can't access while at work, according to the TUC.

Who's next? Civil rights groups?

The TUC said not enough companies are clear about what they expect from staff in terms of their personal conduct when using social networking sites.

A number of employers have even disciplined staff for their online conduct, according to the union, and more cases are likely to follow unless some sensible precautions are taken. Many businesses have already shut down access to the site because of security fears and concerns over productivity losses.

The Round-Up has been following this argument with bemused interest over recent months. The nagging doubt it has over advocates of Facebook in the office is that the office is a place for work and we all got along fine before the social networking phenomenon kicked off in earnest.

The TUC said in a statement: "It's unreasonable for employers to try to stop their staff from having a life outside work, just because they can't get their heads around the technology."

Here's the Round-Up's policy: look at Facebook all you want but as soon as you see The Man coming hit ALT-TAB and get back to the spreadsheet. As soon as he's gone ALT-TAB again, simple. A tried and trusted solution. If you're caught, then it's your bad.

And as UK plc goes down the pan due to massive losses in office productivity at least we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we have impressive friends lists, even though we're only in contact with a few of the people on them.

Is the Round-Up turning into a grumpy old man? Afraid so.

Finally this week, the rugby World Cup is around the corner and current champions England have as much chance of retaining the title as Martin Johnson has of tap-dancing on the moon.

No matter, for mobile telecoms provider O2, official sponsor of Dad's Army, sorry, the English rugby team, has come up with a game to keep rugby fans happy. The game involves 'staring out' three English rugby stars via a webcam.

According to the press release: "Mike Tindall managed over six minutes and has vowed to try and beat anyone who exceeds that time."

This is no surprise to the Round-Up. Tindall, the wonky nosed beau of horsey royal Zara Phillips, is used to spending six minutes staring at the massive gap between the inside and outside centres before making his move. Staring into a camera isn't that much different.

More to the point, he should have plenty of time to practice his staring, not least because he isn't actually going to the World Cup, thanks to a recent injury, lack of form but mostly the expensive folly of bringing in league convert Andy Farrell.

Anyway, England's rugby World Cup optimism kicks off enthusiastically with a match against the US. And gets knocked unconscious shortly afterwards with a game against South Africa - a match likely to end with bits of Jonny Wilkinson strewn across the field of play.

Until next week, be sure to check out the Weekly Round-Up podcast available here and from iTunes. Well fancy that...