The End of Year Weekly Round-Up: 21.12.07

Redmond, Seattle. A screen saver of a roaring log fire flickers on a huge LCD monitor perched on a wide expanse of mahogany desk. Bathed in its glow, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer and his PA, Atkins, are drinking eggnog - whatever eggnog is, Americans always seem to drink it at Christmas.

"Hell of a year!"
"Hell of a year, sir!"
"And all the big news happened in January, didn't it?"
"Er, yes sir."
"Windows Vista launches, The 'big wow'."
"Oh... I see sir, yes sir."
"You say 'yes, sir' as if you mean 'no sir'?"
"No sir,"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, sir."
"Goddamit. Why don't people like Vista? What was wrong with the big wow?"
"Nothing sir, it's just not quite the wow effect we were after."
"And what are we doing about that? Was there a problem with the marketing? I spent a fortune on it."
"No sir, it was more a problem with the product. It didn't quite live up to the ‘wow’ expectations."
"But it looks like Mac OS X, comes in six versions and it's about to get a service pack. What more do people want? Are we planning a new ad campaign?"
"No sir. The old one was fine. We didn't have time to make any significant improvements to the software so we've just decided to redefine the industry standard of 'wow'."
"Good thinking."
"Yes, sir. Our lawyers have been busy since February. I'm happy to say it's been successfully redefined, sir."
"Excellent, what does 'wow' mean now?"
"More like 'Hmm'."
"The big 'Hmm'. I like it. Has it had any effect on sales?"
"No."
"Hmm."
"That's the spirit, sir."

"So what else happened in January?"
"I'm afraid I have to mention the 'A' word."
"Really?"
"Yes, sir. Apple announced a revolution in mobile technology - the iPhone. Jobs said they'd been working on it for two and a half years."
"Two and a half years, how so quick? That's less than half the UAT period for Vista."
"Your guess is as good as mine, sir. Heaven knows how they find the time with all the trance festivals and Zen workshops they're forced to attend."
"Is Jobs still writing his Fake Steve blog?"
"Yes, except he was publicly outed as a Forbes journalist in August."
"Incredible. All this time and my greatest opponent was actually a technology journalist."
"Um, no sir - the outing was a sham. The Forbes guy is a stooge."
"And it is Jobs still writing it?"
"Of course. Religiously."

"Anyway, perhaps we should have regular trance festivals?" "Please God, no. We're still dealing with the fallout from your last public dancing episode. Anyway, I'm afraid the iPhone has been a huge hit. It sold a million handsets in just 74 days. I'm afraid, it leaves the Zune standing."
"Damn. What was the Zune doing before?"
"Slouching."
"Progress!"
"Apple even dropped the price of the device by a couple of hundred bucks once the fools, sorry, early adopters, rushed in. Some even queued overnight to get hold of one."
"Seriously? This was Apple's biggest product launch in years. Did they think they'd run out of handsets in one day?"
"Apparently so, sir. I can confirm there were plenty in the stores the following day."
"Really? How do you know that? Wait, what's that?"
"What, sir?"
"That."
"Sir, this is the written word, it's very difficult for readers to interpret what you're referring to unless you give them some sort of visual clue."
"How about this?

An animated Ballmer points at Atkins’ trousers.

"Ah."
"Is that an iPhone in your pocket?"
"No sir, I'm just pleased to see you."
"What?"
"Sorry, sir. Yes, it's an iPhone. Um, the Zune guys wanted me to try one out and let them know my thoughts. We're planning a Zune phone."
"The Zune Phone, excellent. Will it be brown?"
"In every conceivable way, sir."

"Didn't Google announce their Gphone, too?"
"Yes, they did. Finally."
"Our competitors seem to be pretty focused on mobile devices space. A space we currently occupy quite happily with Windows Mobile."
"Sort of sir, except the Gphone isn't a phone."
"What is it then?"
"A set of mobile technologies and standards called Android. Google is heading up a consortium of organisations, including most of the major players in the global mobile industry. They've joined forces to develop a standards compliant platform for developing mobile apps."
“Pfft!”

Ballmer chokes and sprays eggnog all over the 'fire'.

"But that's what we do."
"Apart from the standards compliance bit."
"True."
"Also: it's all open source, sir."
“Pfft!!”
"Have a napkin, sir."
"Thanks. Now give me some better news."

"Well, sir. After almost three decades of us mimicking Apple - they've started copying us."
"Pfft! Outrageous scoundrels! What have they taken? Not Windows System Assessment Tool?"
"The what? No, no sir, something far more iconic and part of the spirit of every Windows PC user experience."
"What the Blue Screen of Death?"
"Yes, sir."
"What, really? The Blue Screen of Death, seriously? I was joking."
"Yes, sir. And it was a brilliant joke."
"Meh."
"To be fair it was only a very small number of Macs that were affected when they upgraded their systems to Leopard, the latest version of the Mac OS."
"Suckers."
"It was a glitch in the upgrade process and mostly because they had third-party software installed that messed with system settings. But, at the end of the day, it was the Blue Screen of Death in spirit if not in name."
"Can we sue them for intellectual property theft?"
"I wouldn’t have thought so, sir."
"Are you a lawyer?"
"You know I'm not, sir"
"Well put our lawyers on it now."
"Fine. How many?"
"All of them, you fool. I won't get another chance like this for another 30 years. In fact, cancel Christmas for the legal corps. I want an airtight case in place by January. The tide turns here, Jobs, the tide turns here."
"Very good, sir."

"Another tide we might need to consider is that more people are turning to XP than Vista. Many OEMs are back-pedalling and offering XP as well as Vista on new machines. In fact, a recent poll of silicon.com readers suggests there's more demand for XP now than when we were marketing it."
"But Vista's next in the poll?"
"No, sir. OS X was next."
"Damn. But Vista came after OS X?"
"No sir, Linux was third."
"Then Vista?"
"Then Vista..."

Prolonged silence.

"We did come ahead of Unix, sir."
"Well whoop-de-do."
"Indeed, sir."

"This is so depressing. What about our big investments in 2007."
"Well, there was our huge investment in Facebook. We pumped almost $250m of our rapidly diminishing cash mountain into the social networking phenomenon of the year."
"What did that buy us? A controlling share?"
"Hardly, sir. It bought us about 1.6 per cent of Facebook's equity. The most recent financing round valued the company at $15bn."
"That's ridiculous."
"That's web 2.0, sir."
"Hold on to your horses. I thought I publicly dismissed Facebook and all those social networking sites as a fad."
"You did sir, but that was also a joke."
"It was?"
"Yes, sir. And it was another brilliant one."
"Yes, I suppose it was. So we've invested a quarter of a billion bucks in a website that doesn't have a long-term sustainable revenue strategy."
"Yes, sir."
"And Facebook's CEO..."
"Mark Zuckerberg?"
"Yes, he has no Wall Street credentials or Silicon Valley experience. Or in fact any sort of experience at all. How old is he again?"
"Twelve, sir."
"So remind me: why did we do it?"
"So Google couldn't."
"Excellent."

"It's been quite a year for Zuckerberg. Facebook is surfing the crest of the web 2.0 wave, it has around 60 million users and its name is now part of the standard English lexicon."
"Lexicon? A new model from Lexus? Has Bill got one?"
"I guess so, sir. Zuckerberg even made the definitive list of top 50 innovators and business leaders shaping the technology landscape today."
"Wow! Or rather Hmm! Where did Bill come?"
"He didn't place, sir."
"Outrageous. Still I suppose it’s hardly surprising considering he spends all his time on his charity work and his Playstation 3. He only comes into the office if he can't get to the next level on some game and needs to release some frustration by wailing at some random coders."
"Indeed, sir. He's an example to us all."
"He is, Atkins. I can’t believe he leaves in July. Can you set up an urgent meeting in Outlook for me and the rest of the management team to discuss Microsoft's post-Bill future?"
"Of course sir, what shall I put in the meeting request's subject line?"
"How about: Now What?"
"Consider it done, sir."

"So, as the leader of the most powerful software company in the world, where did I place on the top 50 list of Agenda Setters?"
"Sir, there are some other..."
"Top three, I expect."

An awkward silence.

"Umm..."

The awkward silence is broken by the sound of a bluebird hitting the smoked plate glass office window and falling to the grass below in a flutter of feathers. A tumbleweed rolls beneath the polished mahogany of Ballmer’s desk and brushes against his computer, which restarts with a beep. The fire vanishes from the screen.

"Would you like me to change the subject, sir?"
"Please."
“Sniff.”
"Are you all right, sir?"
"Uh huh. There was just a little too much cinnamon in my eggnog and it got up my hooter."
"Indeed, sir. Shall we move swiftly on?"
"Please, and yank the heating up. It’s a little cold in here all of a sudden."

"Certainly. On the subject of energy, the green agenda truly came to the fore this year, at least as far as tech companies are concerned."
"Why do I feel as if this is going to hurt my bottom line."
"Greenpeace has been ranting at tech firms..."
"Swines!"
"...and Apple has been the focus of most of their ire."
"Righteous! Righteous!"
"Though perhaps not for the right reasons."
"Who cares?"
"Greenpeace has accused Apple of being the main offender in its ongoing campaign to stamp out non-environmentally friendly manufacturing."
"Justly?"
"Depends on who you talk to. Some say the Greenpeace claims were fully justified. Others claim it's a shameless bit of opportunism by the organisation. Either way it worked. Jobs wrote a missive about what Apple was doing on Green IT and its new products have reflected this."
"In your face, Jobs."
"In all our faces, sir. One might suggest, if one were cynical, that the reason Apple was the target of the campaign was because of its brand and because where it leads with design and manufacturing, others follow."
"Apple is getting a bit too big for its boots."
"Absolutely, sir. In fact, just a few months ago Apple's market cap exceeded IBM's for the first time ever. A seminal moment."
"Seminal for Jobs, I'll bet. More eggnog?"
"I think I'll pass this time, sir."

"So how did our operations in EMEA fare this year?" "Well, as you know we've been having a few problems with Europe, sir."
"Ah, the 51st State."
"Not any more, sir."
"Tell me about it. I'm still stunned they screwed us in the anti-competitive practice appeal. I couldn't believe when our head of legal affairs debriefed me on the ruling. What the heck is wrong with being ebullient in the marketplace?"
"'A bully', sir. 'A bully in the marketplace'."
"Whatever. I thought all that stuff finished years ago."
"So did we. So did everyone else in the market and the press but lawyers have to eat, I guess. Anyway, we got served. Literally. And to make things worse, the EC policy makers are now in a froth over their cappuccinos over another cause célèbre."
"I've told you before: I'm not good with Spanish. What does cause célèbre mean?"
"Basically, they got a new axe to grind. Naked PCs."
"Naked PCs? I like the sound of that. Perhaps that could be our new marketing slogan. Naked power. Naked PCs. Naked ladies. Naked CEOs..."
"Please God let me stop you there, sir. I should explain. A naked PC is a computer sold without a bundled operating system so the buyer pays less and can install any OS he or she wants."
"Nurse! Nurse!"
"It’s OK, sir, calm down. Reader research by silicon.com tells us most people don't want to have to install an operating system on a computer. Having to use Vista is bad enough without having to go to all the trouble of installing it first. It’s like ordering a condemned man to build his own gallows.”
"Our marketing guys said that?"
"No, I'm paraphrasing. Still, the EU is only giving consideration to a think tank recommendation at the moment. But it's a potential risk for our business model."
"You bet it is. Just what the hell is happening over in Europe? The whole place is falling apart - more so than normal."
"Indeed, sir."
"Can we come to an amicable arrangement with Europe?"
"How so, sir"
"Buy it?"
"Tricky. Anyway, the widespread problems in the EU are worst in the UK, sir."
"Really?"
"Yes, sir. Britain's burning."
"Forest fires?"
"Public outrage, sir."
"I love seeing the British riled. What are they doing? Stealing traffic cones? Boycotting post offices? What are they so upset about, pray tell."
"The UK government admitted in November that it had lost the personal data of 25 million citizens, including in some cases, bank details."
"Good grief."
"The government department that lost the data, HMRC, is admitting that a junior official sent out the encrypted disks by unrecorded delivery."
"Let me guess. The post room guy wanted to leave by four and couldn't be bothered to lick enough stamps? Or perhaps he'd have to lick more than his trade union would allow."
"Something like that, no doubt. Anyway, the CDs never reached their destination, meaning that 25 million personal records with an estimated black market value of around $3bn could either be sitting in the back of a post van or be in the hands of criminals right now."
"A cheering thought in the run-up to Christmas."
"Indeed, sir. However, at least the UK government is taking it seriously."
"Good for them."
"Oh wait, my mistake - they've just admitted they’ve lost another three million personal records, this time learner drivers."
"So the UK government has even worse credibility on security than us. I’ll drink to that."
"Indeed, sir, and the public is sick of it. The government's own ministers are suggesting a review of the controversial identity card scheme. After all, if the government can't look after its own data, what allows them to lecture tax payers on a mandated and extremely expensive national scheme that probably won't work anyway."
"So it’s a badly executed and poorly thought out project, with undefined deliverables, sliding delayed timescales and an ever-increasing budget."
"Yes, sir."
"Remind me to call Gordon Brown and offer him some of our Vista project managers as delivery consultants on exorbitant rates."
"Good idea, sir. The stronger ones are already out of therapy and most are now back on solid foods."

"So to summarise 2007. Vista sucks. The iPhone doesn't, unless you were an early adopter. XP sucks a lot less than Vista and a little less than OS X and Linux. Macs are turning into PCs, PCs are turning into empty, soulless boxes that hit our bottom line. The Google guys are busting my balls over Windows Mobile. Facebook and social networking sites are surfing the web 2.0 wave and we're investing heavily despite the prospect of another bubble. We've all gone green and Apple's bigger than Big Blue. Bill's almost gone and nobody recognises my importance in the industry. The Brits are revolting and the UK government has put half its population at risk of identity theft and is now hard at work exposing the other half."

"Pretty much, sir. There is one more bit of bad news."
"What's that?"
"We're out of eggnog sir."
"Godammit, it all makes me so mad. I feel like throwing some chairs around."
"I'll call Ikea and get them to send round a couple of lorries full of furniture, sir."
"Thanks, Atkins. You're a great comfort to me."
"My pleasure, sir. I'll get on it right away."
"Oh."
"Sir?
"Merry Christmas, Atkins."
"Merry Christmas, sir. And God bless us one and all."
"Bill!"
"Sorry, sir. And Bill bless us one and all..."

Atkins leaves the room and closes the door. Ballmer watches his PC start up in Safe Mode. He hits the intercom switch.

"Apart from Jobs, Atkins."
"Jobs excepted, sir..."

Don't forget to check out the End of Year Round-Up podcast here…

And, of course, get your wit at the ready in the last caption competition of 2007.