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The Weekly Round-Up: 16.07.04
Ship of Fools?

By silicon.com

Published: Friday 16 July 2004

"The British public has always had an unerring taste for ungifted amateurs..."

So said John Osborne, English playwright and full-time 'angry young man'. And while Osborne spent much time railing against authority in one form or another it would appear the 'powers that be' seem to agree with him.

Why else would a group of MPs form a rock band?

Worse still, why else would anybody book them?

MP4 (can you guess how many are in the band?) appeared at the Rock the Boat party (it was on a boat, geddit?) this week celebrating the 'end of term' for MPs. However, the event was cunningly hi-jacked by the British Phonographic Industry who claimed it as a platform to trumpet the work being done to fight music piracy.

The BPI even inferred that the "unprecedented" turnout of MPs represented a show of top-level support for its crackdown on music downloading and distribution of illegal digital music.

"Unprecedented" by whose definition? There were only 52 MPs present (The Round-Up believes they do still get more than that for parliamentary debates) - and most of those were only there because it was their party. (Word of advice to the BPI: just because you lay on drinks and nibbles doesn't mean those who attend actually care about your cause...)

So for those MPs who thought they were just present to have a few drinks and enjoy the canapes, here's BPI chairman Peter Jamieson to tell them what they were really there for.

"The BPI is particularly grateful to government at this critical time for the interest and understanding it is increasingly showing in the industry's challenge to embrace new technology and new business models."

But those MPs who still crazily thought they were only there to hear their peers murder some popular rock classics (murder, boats, piracy? There's a theme here...m' hearties!) were treated to a set of six songs, comprising four cover versions (very copyright friendly!) and two original songs by the band - including the curious 'Look back in anger' (sic) which the BPI press release attributed to mono-browed Beatles tribute band Oasis, despite the fact it is actually the title of the aforementioned Osborne's best-known play.

Nice to see that the BPI can't even get right the name of one of the UK's best-selling band's most famous songs. And these people think they are equipped to look after the best interests of the British record industry.

Other songs on the setlist included 'Keep on Runnin' (there's probably an intentional electioneering pun in there) by the Spencer Davis Group and 'In the Midnight Hour' by Wilson Picket.

The latter choice there is interesting, given many MPs' tendency over the years for getting themselves into trouble in the midnight hour. Ron Davies' adventures on Clapham Common spring most obviously to mind.

The fact the band also chose to perform the Travis hit 'Why does it always rain on me?' also raises more intrigue if you consider the lyrics.

"I can't stand myself, I'm being held up by an invisible man"

The Round-Up seems to remember that lyric bears a striking resemblance to Davies' original story following his costly liaison with a stranger in SW4.

So who were the performers in question, I hear you ask?

"Ladies and gentlemen, on drums... the Right Honourable Greg Knight MP, Conservative Yorkshire East and on bass and lead vocals... Ian Cawsey MP, Labour Brigg and Goole and on guitar.... Kevin Brennan MP, Labour Cardiff West and on Keyboards... Pete Wishart MP, SNP, North Tayside..."

It's really not very rock 'n roll at all, is it? But we'd still like to hear your appropriate additions to the set list. Email them to editorial@silicon.com.

To start the ball rolling, the best the silicon.com editorial team managed to come up with at closing time in the pub last night is 'Telling Lies' by David Bowie.

We look forward to seeing your (doubtlessly more inventive) suggestions.

Reader feedback has certainly been reaching unprecedented levels this week, partly because of some impassioned debate about the BBC, which the Round-Up is almost loathe to stir up again... but what the hell!

The issue is that the BBC has been ordered to close sections of its website because it couldn't reasonably justify them as being in the interests of public service. In fact you could go so far as to say the BBC was brought to task for anti-competitive practices - see here.

One silicon.com writer even had the cheek to agree with that assertion, here.

The most alarming reader comment we got on this subject criticised our apparent disdain for a great British institution (see here for more)

"For once, could UK reporters please stop picking on easy prey with their personal opinions," wrote one angry reader.

He even had some advice for what we could do instead.

"Pick on some foreign companies!"

There we go. silicon.com should replace informed opinion with scattergun racism. That's one for the next editorial strategy meeting.

Other feedback which stood out this week has been on the subject of RFID tracking technologies being applied to children in Japan to help parents keep track of the little mites: see here.

Sounds like a good idea? Not at all, according to one reader who submitted perhaps the most far-fetched reader comment to date (there's a challenge for you):

"I heard in 1997 that it would not be long before every child had a chip implanted at birth. Well here it is. Of course this now means we can be controlled from a distance."

Of course he doesn't mean controlled as in 'radio controlled', like toy cars or robots... oh - hang on - that's exactly what he means.

"We are allowing ourselves to be made into robots," he continued.

So there will be somebody actually controlling us - physically moving us against our will? What practical use will this control be put to, we wonder. Fortunately our reader explains.

"I think some or all of those suicide bombers could be used in this way already?"

"Some or all of those suicide bombers". It's not really a phrase which betrays a great deal of knowledge on the matter, is it?

So, some of them may be doing it out of religious belief, but in the main suicide bombers are being moved against their will. You'd think they'd maybe say something like: "Help, I've no idea why, but I've just strapped a load of explosive to my chest and now it looks as though I'm off to catch a bus... whether I like it or not. I think this can only be a bad thing."

Also on the subject of RFID (and religion co-incidentally) - can the Round-Up make a plea on behalf of everybody on the silicon.com editorial team?

Please, please, please - no more reader comments like this:

"How long before the chip is placed into the skin - just as the Bible prophesised...?"

We know there is a passage in the Book of Revelations which read in a certain context sounds slightly appropriate to the application of tracking technologies, but it's very unlikely that RFID chips are the work of the Devil and the Bible didn't really ever predict their invention.

For the record here is that passage: "And he causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand or in their forehead. And that no man might buy or sell except he that had the mark or the name of the beast or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that has understanding count the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man and his number is 666."

OK. If the Devil really did exist (and let's not have THAT discussion) it's very unlikely that he'd be thinking of ways for Gillette to keep track of razor blades or for Japanese parents to keep track of their kids.

He'd far more likely be up to all sorts of mischief!

Also up to no good this week was a 17-year-old lad who was so outraged to lose his job with insurance firm Domestic & General that he sent them a few emails expressing his displeasure.

Of course, when the Round-Up says 'a few' it actually means 'five million'.

So outraged was the troublesome teen to lose his £120-per-week job that he downloaded a spam engine from the internet and emailed his former bosses five million times - see here.

And presumably those emails didn't read, 'Are you sure now, is there really no way you'd take me back?'

In fact they were just "classic lines" from several movies, according to the boy, who denied they were anything malicious. (That's as maybe, but there were FIVE MILLION of them. Being prodded on the end of the nose may not hurt, but if it happened five million times in quick succession you'd be pretty peeved - same difference.)

These 'prods' weren't just annoying but also extremely costly for his one-time employers. The company had to close down its website and claimed it missed out on £18,000 in revenues during the 'blackout'.

And what was the youngster in question sacked for? Failing to fill out a time-sheet. In hindsight it sounds pretty innocuous really, given all the trouble it caused.

And finally, everybody's favourite incumbent telco has signed up everybody's favourite jacket-and-jeans wearing braggart for its latest advertising campaign.

That's right: BT and Jeremy Clarkson. It's a match made in heaven.

One is overblown, often rude and has offended pretty much everybody in the UK at one time or another (wait for it... you'll never guess what's coming next) and the other one used to present Top Gear.

Gavin Patterson, BT group managing director, consumer and ventures, said: “We felt that Jeremy Clarkson was an ideal choice for the whole area of customer service. He’s famous as somebody who doesn’t suffer fools gladly and embodies the straightforward principles we aim to follow in our business."

Great, so we can expect BT customer service modelled on the presenting style of Clarkson.

"I'm sorry your phone's not working love, have you ever stopped to think it could be because...........[cue long dramatic pause, raise eyebrow to camera and lower tone] .......... you’re a woman."

"Is your husband there?..................................Or are you too ugly to have one?"

"Aha! Now this really is the Ferrari of phones! Whereas, your current model is very much....................................................... the Skoda"

You get the idea.

Patterson added: "If these adverts are anywhere near as successful as the famous Bob Hoskins ones then we won’t be doing badly at all.”

So Jeremy has his work cut out trying to fill the shoes of Bob Hoskins? That's quite a challenge, not least of all, the Round-Up assumes because Sir Bob (come on, he should be!) probably has pretty small feet.

Until next week, here's some news:

Windows XP Service Pack 2 to be distributed on one million CDs

Revealed: The biggest threat to workplace productivity

Sacked teen launches spam attack on bosses

Microsoft's Ballmer hits out at "cloned" open source

Security prompts users to flee IE for Mozilla