To print: Click here or Select File and then Print from your browser's menu

This story was printed from silicon.com, located at http://www.silicon.com/

Story URL: http://comment.silicon.com/weeklyroundup/0,39024756,39124338,00.htm

The Weekly Round-Up: 24.09.04
Gross generalisations and sweeping statements...

By silicon.com

Published: Friday 24 September 2004

"If Harold Shipman had served his sentence and been released would you trust him as a doctor to your ailing and aged mother?"

That'll teach us to raise the question of rehabilitating offenders, in this case the virus writer Sven Jaschan, who has now been offered a job with a German company.

'Criminals are criminals - it will always be thus' is the opinion of many.

The above response came from Ted Woodhouse, IT director at Leeds Teaching Hospitals NHS Trust, so he's closer to the pulse of the NHS than many and it's glad to hear there are still no plans afoot as yet to employ mass murderers in the care of the elderly.... (and dead ones at that).

But Woodhouse wasn't the only one to take offence at the suggestion, though opinions in the whole were mixed when we put the question to our CIO Jury.

Similarly there was little consensus among the wider industry.

But one reader has already taken issue with the Shipman-parallel.

"What a shocking analogy," wrote our astounded reader. "However, if I wanted to study the best ways to prevent a murder of this kind happening again, then Shipman may have been a very good person to turn to - à la Silence of the Lambs."

....which wasn't actually a true story.

In searching for a line from 'Silence of the Lambs' around which to hang a gag (which you'll notice hasn't materialised) the Round-Up found a website which replicated the film's script in its entirety but claimed to have changed the character names "for legal reasons". Yeah, those legal reasons would be called "copyright" and "theft" - the Round-Up is pretty sure that's some legalese we're all familiar with but thanks for sparing us the jargon.

(For the record the name of Dr Lecter had been changed to Dr Quinn... presumably NOT the Medicine Woman of the same name.)

But moving on.

In any other week Woodhouse's slightly contentious words might have qualified for quote of the week but there was a new kid on the block this week and he was shooting out soundbytes like they were going out of fashion (never, not on these pages, the Round-Up assures you.)

Strap yourself in because we're about to enter the witty world of Richard Cross, information management officer at Toyota, and friend to IT journalists looking for sensational quotes for satirical newsletters everywhere.

"There is a temptation to go searching for a panacea but if you find yourself speaking to a vendor and it sounds as though you are being offered a panacea then it's time to change the conversation. Sorry if you are in the market for a panacea or you are a panacea salesman... but there is a lot of bullshitting going on."

(From vendors? Surely not.)

Cross was addressing an audience of analysts, journalists and peers at this week's Gartner IT Security Summit.

The Round-Up presumes he knew there were journalists in attendance but it didn't stop him making some eminently quotable remarks about the industry, his employer and particularly the job which faced him when taking over in charge of IT security.

"When I looked at the task facing me I realised we were well into the realms of pulling rabbits out of hats. And the rabbits and the hats weren't even provided."

We all know that feeling.

Sensing a friendly audience, attuned to his droll take on matters, (either that or they were curious as to just how big a hole this man was about to dig for himself) Cross continued, this time describing how Toyota's systems were so ineffective they were proving to do more harm than good when he joined the company.

"In the end, I just asked them to switch off all the intrusion detection systems," he said. "Because it would at least save us some electricity."

Brilliant.

Also doing "more harm that good" in the whole IT security shake-up are journalists, according to Jay Heiser, research director at Gartner.

Surely Heiser's comments weren't really aimed at silicon.com but, just in case, we penned this defence anyway.

However, Heiser made some excellent points many of which we agree with, though it's worth noting that he does come from a vendor background and has dabbled quite liberally in the world of journalism himself, penning comment and opinion for some niche IT titles.

So from what we know already - and who are we to question what comes out of Gartner's own conference? - that potentially makes him a 'bullshitter' who is "doing more harm than good".

Obviously the Round-Up jests but it does go to show the damage that sweeping statements can make. Certainly there are those in the media who are irresponsible, as there are good and bad in any walk of life, but we're not convinced there is much value in tarring us all with the same brush.

It's not like we'd go around telling people that all analysts are on the make and their opinions can be bought.

(OK, we once came close, but that was three years ago. Lighten up, already.)

More interesting revelations to come out of the Gartner event included a 'you-couldn't-make-this-up' moment which proves irony literally does know no bounds.

The Round-Up has lost track of all the warnings and stories which have come out over the years about laptop security - especially where work computers are concerned.

MPs, physicians, scientists, spies and the police have all been linked with the loss of potentially sensitive information stored on laptops which have gone astray for one reason or another.

You'd have thought we might have learned by now. Or at least, you'd certainly think the IT security industry, of all sectors, would be on top of this... wouldn't you?

Of course you wouldn't - and that cynicism was repaid in full this week with news that a salesman from security vendor Netegrity left his laptop unguarded at the show only to return and discover it had been 'half-inched'.

Well what do you know!? Let's not pretend that's as shocking as returning to find out it had turned into a rabbit. Unattended laptops have a habit of being misappropriated. There is precedent here.

A slightly shocked and dismayed spokesman for Netegrity, who had been handed the thankless task of distancing the company salesman from any blame, said: "You tend to think that people attending an event of that kind would not do something like that," before pointing the finger of blame at "somebody suspicious who didn't look like one of the crowd" and had been hanging around the stand. That'll probably be the one then.

Reports that this individual was wearing a face mask, striped jumper and carrying a bag marked 'swag' have not been confirmed.

Apparently the salesman even saw this individual loitering around looking shifty and "thought he should report it but didn't".

Well that's alright then - it's the thought that counts, after all.

What has been confirmed is that the laptop bag was later discovered with all its contents "except for the laptop". (And there was the Round-Up thinking it might have been one of those nasty bag, strap or even zip thieves who have a wicked habit of leaving just the laptop at the scene of the crime.)

If nothing else, had this salesman not heard of industrial espionage?

Although in a week of division-installing generalisations the Round-Up would be loathe to suggest security vendors are a bunch of thieves (though, perhaps Richard Cross from Toyota might like to level that accusation next year) it seems logical to keep your laptop and its sensitive contents close to your chest. Especially when surrounded by all your rivals.

Police are now investigating the theft from the Hilton Metropole on Edgware Road and presumably muttering things under their breath such as "as if we don't have enough to do".

(On a practical note, can the Round-Up suggest that if you do have to leave laptops unattended, or even have to walk around carrying them, that a sports bag, or even a plastic grocery bag would be far more effective. Nothing says 'laptop inside' more than a laptop bag.)

Whether police investigating this matter have a list of the 'usual suspects' that they can round up we don't know... but that horrifically lame segue does enable the Round-Up to limp shame-facedly into the next story.

Hollywood legend Kevin Spacey, star of... ahem... 'The Usual Suspects' and now artistic director of the Old Vic theatre has hit out at our digital society's inability to perform the simple task of switching off a mobile phone.

Spacey told BBC Radio 4 that anybody who can't perform such a task shouldn't be in the theatre anyway and should probably be down the zoo holding a balloon on a string and throwing peanuts at the alligators.

OK, he didn't say that, quite, but he did say they should stay well away from such highbrow culture if they can't respect the etiquette of the theatre.

"You have to respect the fact there is some degree of behaviour that we expect in the theatre and we're going to demand it at the Old Vic."

Good for you, Kev! The Round-Up couldn't agree more. He also put the boot in to people who eat sweets, adding that wrapper noise can also spoil a performance.

"It's a phone-free zone. We don't want them ringing and we certainly don't want them ringing and people ignoring them pretending that it's not theirs."

Well said, and anybody who has seen 'Seven" will know Spacey is the wrong man to mess with, unless you want to be carrying your head home in a box. (Hey, if you readers can blur reality with the movies, then so can we.)

And finally, there was a gadget announced this week which could not be more at odds with Kevin Spacey's view on responsible theatregoing.

Picture the scene. You're arriving at the theatre for a romantic night out, only to remember as you're taking your seats that you had the onion and garlic mayo on your lunchtime sandwich. Nightmare. Your breath must stink.

Now you can't be sure and you don't want to be so obvious as to do the old breathing-on-the-hand 'nice-touch' passion-killer. Perhaps you should sneak a mint into your mouth... so you start unwrapping the Trebor extra strong... but up comes the Oscar-winning star of 'American Beauty' telling you to put the mints away and show more respect for the theatre.

So you reach for your mobile phone, knowing that the new model from Siemens comes complete with a sensor, attached to the mouthpiece, which tells you how bad your breath smells. (We're not making this up.)

You're not making a call, you're not even checking your voicemails and have got the thing on silent... but what's this? Spacey, star of alien-or-lunatic movie 'K-Pax' has spotted you again and thwarted your efforts once more, running up the stairs to give you a stern look.

There's only one way to find out - so you lean in to chat to your date. So reviled by your hideous halitosis, he/she gets up and walks out. Spacey sits back with a look of smug satisfaction thinking 'that's what happens to people who don't respect the theatre'.

Which is the Round-Up's ridiculously convoluted way of announcing that Siemens now has a mobile phone in development which will warn users when their conversation is only fit for machines and their breath so beastly they should keep it to themselves.

For more information on the webcast, click here.

Until next week.